Another regrets question

[RainbowBrite]

A lot of people say that you shouldn't regret things, and so far I haven't because I always think I wouldn't have wanted things to go differently. But if you never regret does that mean you can never learn from your mistakes? Is it bad not to regret some things? So as an example, what if you slept with someone in a relationship, and you didn't regret it but knew you shouldn't do it again because you could get hurt (or hurt other people). If you don't regret doing it does that mean that when given the opportunity you WILL do it again?? sorry for writing so much but it's hard to explain! What do you think?

[natty23]

i don't believe you need to regret something to learn from it. in your example, perhaps you wouldn't regret the act of sleeping with someone else, but fearing the consequences means that you see it as a bad thing, and probably wouldn't do it again. i think if you were caught, it would turn into regret, because you would have lost something.

nto sure if i'm making sense!?!?!

[Englishbird]

The reason you shouldn't regret things is because it's a futile emotion, you cannot physically go back and change it, so beating yourself up about it does no good at all, as with guilt.

I agree with natty in that I don't think you have to regret something in order to learn from it, to use a cliche "a wise man learns from other peoples mistakes"

But, if you're asking if, because someone doesn't feel guilty about something they've done, are they more likely to do it again, then i'd probably say yes.  People generally will do what they want to do in any given situation. 

When weighing up what we want, the chance of regret will be a factor along with who could be hurt and what we would get out of it.  But regret or guilt won't be the deciding factor in that.  I know people who have done that, felt very very guilty and carried on doing it anyway.

[hinge1967]

In response to Englishbird, I'm not sure that any emotions are futile, and I worry that suggesting they are makes people feel bad because they are experiencing them. I agree that beating yourself up about regrets does little good, but its a very effective way of making sure you don't make the same mistake again. Rather than reject it as futile, why not listen to it and learn from it, in exactly the same way that you can learn from others' mistakes. My experience tell me that the more you reject a feeling the more it wants to be heard.

Rainbowbrite - of course, you can learn without feeling regret. We learn from good experiences as well as bad ones. But we are masters of our own destiny to a large extent and often it helps to be clear about what we are trying to acheive with our lives.

[vicars]

If I were in a relationship with someone and knew thay had done something bad in the past I may well ask them if they regretted doing something, I may well be put off them if they said they did not regret doing it because regret mean wishing you did not do something. If they felt no regret then that may mean they could easily do it again. In fact, regretting something may help us with a similar situation in the future - to block the feeling of regret to perhaps make ourselves feel that we can do no wrong, can give you a mentality that nothing matters but you. To regret ding it is a way of finding forgivesness, even just from yourself, and by doing this become a better person.

[Englishbird]

Hinge1967, I take your point, and maybe i used the wrong word.  I was just trying to say that i don't feel that anything necessarily constructive can come out of regret or guilt.  I'm not sure that it does stop people making the same mistake again, maybe it does for some, but personally i find it quite posionous.

Having said that, I'm now going to contradict myself, as the only things i regret are things i haven't done. Which does now push me to do things i want to do (so i won't regret not doing it afterwards) but if i sit and mope over the regret of not having done something then that would be futile.  So maybe it's more how regret is handled than the regret itself.  Sorry rainbowbrite, getting off topic.

[RainbowBrite]

No its fine, your answers are really making me think! Now I'm just wondering whether giult is the same as regret? But I think maybe not as you can feel guilty about something but not regret doing it can't you? And do you think people can ever really change? If you do something wrong, don't regret it, but knowing that you shouldn't do it, do it again, and again, can there ever be a point where you learn and finally start doing what you know you should and not what you want to? I guess it takes you back to the old saying a leopard can't change its spots! or can it?!!

[hinge1967]

If there is one thing I've learnt in my work its that people can and do change all the time. We are forever adapting to change around us, we start and end relationships, we take risks in the hope that they make us a better people, we become parents, we become adults, we make choices - this is all change.

Its impossible not to! Because everything is changing around us. If someone behaves badly towards us we change then, either becoming passive or doing something to escape. Starting to regret stuff is also change, since before you did or didn't do it you had no regret!

The problem is that we delude ourselvess into believing that nothing can be different, and then we stop noticing the choices AND CHANGES we make and become victims of circumstances or regret.

So why not stop being victims, just like Englishbird does when she uses regret to motivate her! I know both personally and from my work that its not easy to consciously change, and that being a victim of circumstance is very seductive beciause it means taking few risks, but if you don't take a risk its impossible to succeed.

Emotions (even uncomfortable ones) are just like kids who want your attention. Some of them always make you smile, some of them hang around a bit too long, some of them get a bit obsessed with themselves, some of them encourage you to do things you couldn't have dreamt of doing. Sometimes you really love them and then they get on your nerves, but two thing are certain, they don't go away for good if you ignore them and they love to be played with. And if you are really lucky and make all the right choices, they grow up and become your friends.

I do ramble, don't I?!

[hinge1967]

I'm rapidly approaching 40 and keep noticing how many more spots I have than I used to, al sorts of weird marks and blemishes and (ugh!) growths that didn't used to be there - but then again I guess I'm not a leopard!