troubled soul

[bandearg]

was hoping for some help. Too cut a long story short have suffered with eating disorders for years. Mainly anorexia. I have spent time in and out of hospitals for treatment. My weight is about 48kg at the moment which is heavy for me at 5'4.mThing is these past months i come in from work eat lots and then make myself sick. I dont want to go for help againa as i have been through it all before but am stuck in a vicious cycle. I have a loving partner and a good job, Why cant I just be happy with me. Have spent years at counselling clinics and cant go back there. Please help

[andy-hughes]

I am so sorry to read of your suffering.

You appear to be under the illusion that you 'should' be happy because of your circumstances - good job and loving partner - and you fret because you are so unhappy.

Depressivve illnesses are not linked to personal circumstances - they come and go and are no respecter of people's relationships or occupations, so please don;t feel that you 'should' be happy - that simply adds pressure to your overall feelings of hopelessness.

You are suffering from a psychological illness which has endless complexities, and needs professional help.

Of course, when you feel down, the thought of more therapy feels like an unscalabe mountain, but it is what you need to break this vicious circle.

I would suggest that the conseliing you have recievied has not been what you needed. Please go to your GP and tell him how you feel and that you need some help.

You need to confide in your partner and get some support at home, and remember, there are people on here who understand and empathise, so you can always come on here for some love and attention.

You will get past this, but you do need some more help first - so take that first step today.

Stay in touch.

[bandearg]

Andy thank you very much for your ever so kind sentiments. You know I never thought about the point I was putting myself under pressure luke that. I guess I worry about confiding in my partner as I have put him through so much already what with being in hospital for long periods over the years. I had managed well for a while but have never managed full recovery and wonder if it is even possible.

I have been for so much treatment both in and out patient for many years. Specialist units the lot. My area even funded my treatment in another country .

I do put pressure on myself feeling guilty for falling into the hands of an eating disorder again. I kind of feel I have let all those who cared and helped down.

I just don't know what is the right help for me.

Thanks again andy your sweet words put a well needed light in my soul xx

[albaqwerty]

I agree with Andy. You are putting yourself under so much pressure, worrying about sharing with your partner, "a full recovery" feeling guilty. It would be so easy to say stop putting yourself under that pressure but that is the nature of the illness. Just care, come on here for a bit of comfort now and again and go to your GP please.
take care x

[andy-hughes]

Hello again,

I can perfectly understand your desire not to burden your partner in view of your medical history, but you must always remember, confiding in your partner does not put them in the place where you are - they hear about something which the don;t feel themselves, so don;t imagine you will be dragging him (? you don't advise your gender) down with you. Think of it like this - if your neighbour has a toothache, you will feel sympathy, but not their pain - you are not in there with them - it's an important point.

With regard to the 'pressure' - that is very much a part of your condition, and becomes anb ever-decreasing circle as you try to fight that feeling, as well as the condition that gives rise to it in the first place.

Recovery is possible - it just seems too far away and too hard to reach, and too exhausting to fight for, but getting the right help will start improvement almost straight away and give you the strength and courage to travel the road out of this darkness.

See your GP and be very very honest about how you feel, not only about your condition, but its potentil relief, and see what he can advise you. Please let us know how you get on.

[Eve]

Oh honey, having a good job and loving partner doesn't mean you still can't be ill.

Have you ever tried cognitive therapy? The right kind of counselling can make a big difference.

I have been offered specialist counselling a number of times but never taken it up, would only go into hospital when they couldn't link it etc...

I had some other general counselling which didn't really help much at all and it was me trying to get control back, bit by bit which got me to a certain stage - seeing it for what it was, a controlling illness for which I needed to try and get the control back from.

Learning about blame and choices is also a good start, you always (even though it might not feel about it when it gets going) have a choice of not taking things out on yourself and steps to change your behaviour can make a difference, little steps at a time.

It's hard for other people to understand how far you have come sometimes as they just see harmful behaviour but learn to take pride and pleasure in the steps you do make.

Learning about rationalisation, different ways to express your feeling, getting them out rather then turning them inside, learning about external anger rather then internal torment.

[Eve]

I've come a long long way and yes I still slip up but it's never as bad as it was and I always manage to find the strength to get through it. To the outside world it might not seem like it but I know.

After years of nagging by doctors I finally rang a cognitive therapist recommended by a GP and she is bloody fantastic, I honestly couldn't praise her enough and she has made one hell of a difference.

One simple exercise showed her and me how many issues I still have that I'd just tried to bury and get on with and sweep them under the carpet until the next time. My way of coping but never sorting out the underlying issues which drag me back there again and again and she's really helping me do that.

I so hope you find the right way for you. It can get better and the most powerful person in that is you. It won't happen overnight but you can get there xxx

[tamborine]

eat 'on the trot'! Raisins & nuts are nutritional enuf to keep you fed - eat them continuously till your body stops re-gurgitating.

[bandearg]

Thank you all so very much. I guess I feel people will be fed up trying to help me. What a pun.

My last doctor was great but left and my new one is not so understanding.

Reading your kind answers makes me realize I do put too much pressure on myself. Also I reckon I use my disorder to avoid underlying issues. I guess they won't go away unless I face them. But I am so scared .

Thank you all so much fir your time and advice

[pinktwink]

ban dearg please have enough faith in your partner like you said they have been through so much with you. Andy and Jenna have given some of the best advise possible and i agree totally. Take care and sending you good karma xx

[bandearg]

well i plucked up the courage to make an appointment with my GP but she is off for a month and not back until September :-( any suggestions

[andy-hughes]

Seems like too long to wait - can you ask to see another GP? I know this will be difficult if you have an established relationship with one doctor, but wieghed up against the prospect of a six week wait, I'd be inclined to try it on a 'nothing tlo loose' basis.

Let us know won't you?

[bandearg]

thank youso very much andy your support is very much appreciated. I will give the other doctor in her surgery a ring next week and make an appointment.

I have beeen thinking, perhaps it might be easier to say it to a doctor I dont know but who has my records.

thank you again,