problems with daughter

[llindsey1]

I have a 4 year old daughter who has been the center of my life since the second I saw her face. Ive hardly spent any time away from her since the day she was born. I have a weakness for her and give her anything she wants. I actually have a couple quiestions. First I am having a hard time with the idea of her going to school. I am already panicky about it. What can I do to ease the transition for a nervous mommy? Also for my second question. I had another baby, a boy 2 months ago and since my daughter has been very difficult. Yelling, hitting and being obnoxius. I understand the new baby is hard for her but she is making me emotionally exhausted. Im only 24 and tired by mid-morning becuase when she wants something she wants it now! So how do I make the transition for her easier going from mommy's only girl to big sister? 

[flower90]

hmm, it seems like you gave her alot of attention like most parents do with there first child. But now the new baby has come she probaly feels abit threatened, and the fact you say shes abit demanding and wearing you out, must be her way of getting attention from you. Shes got to no what is right and wrong, dont give her any attention if she is being demanding etc. but give her alot of attention when she is being good also keep your special bond you seem to have with her and make sure that you spend time with her , without the baby there.

[Adi's mom]

I was the samw with my son, as you were with your daughter, and i am having trouble in having him settle down in the school. Thank God I do not have another small child to handle. That said, I can totally empathise with you Lindsey...What you can do to help yourself is: Have your daughter build a bond with the younger sibling, so that she knows that he is not taking mommy away but is increasing the love in the household ( girls love to give love, even she will). Once the bond establishes i am sure she will realise that mommy loves both kids and she is as precious for you as she always has been. You will ahve to be patient. Please do not suddenly be tough on her, that this is how things will be and you have to adjust, cause she will get more insecure. BE as you used to be, just a little less, since you need to let go a little ( for her benefit), she will find security in the fact that mommy hasnt suddenly changed.

[Adi's mom]

On how to help her being a big sis: You can ask her to hold his milk bottle and feed him, play with rattle and then tell her how much the little one is enjoying, she can sing to him, take him in her lap, give you the diaper/towel/cream...whatever you need. If you involve her in your life as a mother for the baby, she may feel involved and loved and closer to you. Talk to her about how tired you get, how much you love your kids, and she came first and is special...she may not "talk" but kids do pick up lot of cues from the environment.

[Haj]

re: letting her go when school comes, there are a few things to do to ease the transition. These days, the intake process means you no longer just leave them at the gates on the first day and wave goodbye crying!! She will go once or twice a week, then only mornings or only afternoons first for a few weeks which breaks you both in gently, also, you're allowed to go in to the class with them and get them settled. In our area we were actually allowed to stay the whole session for the first week.

Re: her behaviour at the mo, follow the tips written by the the other AB'ers and take solice in the fact that she will be going to school in september so you'll have a break from her and when school finishes you'll be refreshed and able to spend some quality time with her. Also while shes away you'll be able to make a special bond with your son.

[Mattk]

when your older child starts school this will be a godsend for you as it will relieve some of your burden for a few hours and maybe even let you have a kip mid-morning ! you should try to involve the older child with your baby,this way she will feel more of the centre of attention again and she will enjoy the responsibility.

one final thing,no matter how much it hurts to send her to school for the 1st time,dont let it show.when you drop her off just say goodbye casually and walk away.your pain will only add to hers but she'll probably disappoint you how easily she can let go ! 

[smee.tracey]

Whatever else you do please learn from this experience. Your daughter has been your universe. Don't let your new baby take her place. Quite simply she's jealous. It will probably help all three of you if the new baby goes to a childminder or daycare for a couple of hours a week. If possible, let your daughter be with you when the baby is away. Let her say the last goodbye to the baby then the two of you do stuff. Go to the park, cook, paint whatever. Gradually she will learn that you still love her, which is afterall, what she fears the most. She feels threatened and bless her, she's only 4 so show her she's still loved and important. Good Luck from a stressed mum

[Worried mum]

Make starting school a positive thing, a treat that only she can do; not her little brother who is too little to go to school. Make sure that your worries about her going dont rub off on to her. Make a special day out when you go to get her uniform, lunch box etc. And when you pass the school make positive comments about "big school" etc.

Its very hard to balance the emotional needs of your 4 year old against the physical needs of the baby and yourself. You are going to be the tiredest now that you ever will be. Is there anyone who can help you? A friend with another 4 year old? Maybe you could take turns to have a morning off so that one morning she has a friend to play with and another you get a morning with just you and the baby whilst she goes to play at the friends house?

Accept any help that comes your way. Keep on showing love to your little girl. She is only reacting instinctively but dont be too indulgent with her. She needs to know that there are boundaries. If you get driven to distraction dont feel guilty about bribary such as a video and lolly or whatever that will keep her quiet for a little while. Maybe have a treat tin and when shes been particularly good for a few hours she gets to choose a little treat from the tin.

Just trying to think of some practical ways to help you survive!

You will make it - none of us does it perfectly. Just look at my online name!! Mine are 17 & 15 and I still worry!

[cascath]

Also look at Nursery places there is a government grant which gives 5 two and a half sessions per week for your child to attend.  If she is due to go to school in September though it's too late to do this now.  But it is a good weaning process for both of you.