cutting ties with my mother

[sliver]

In a nutshell, my step-father abused my sister and I when we were young. My mother knows as my sister told her about 20 years ago. He broke down and apologised to her, but denied having touched me. That's not really the issue. I don't care about him, but my mother chose to stay with him and they are still together. I don't think she disbelieves me. She makes lots of excuses for chosing to stay with him, which are all a bit pathetic.

For many years I have managed to brush this under the carpet. He doesn't see me or my sister at all, or our children. For the last 6 or 8 months I have felt really angry with her, and every time we spoke on the phone I brought this up and we ended up rowing. I haven't seen her or spoken to her for about 4 months. I don't miss her, but I don't know what to tell my children. Am I wrong to cut her out of my life now? She is in her 70's and he is in his 80's. I'm angry, but this all feels wrong.

[nohorn]

I will try to say some words of wisdom here, at least kind words. There are no right answers to your dillema. There are probably lots of wrong things you could do. I suppose professional counselors might have good solutions. This is a problem that a lot of people have had to deal with, more so years ago, when it was swept under the rug. After my mother died, her sister, my aunt confided in me that my father had molested her when she was nine years, more than once. And exposed himself at least a couple of times. I know the feeling of disgust you must have had. You have to do what is right for you, years have past, but the knowlege is still there. If I were in your position, I would never have anything to do with your father, but could you possibly arrange to meet with your mom, and occasionaly so your children could meet your mother. Years ago, no one had any social support for such situations, which could be one reason why your mom didn't do anything at the time. If your children ask why for such a strange situation, say there are adult reasons that the situation exists. Someday they should be told the truth and they will understand. I think in the long run, you will be glad that you spent time with your mother. She did nothing wrong other than staying with him, for whatever reason. I am sure she did not condone his behavior. I always struggled with the question of whether to tell my brothers about my father, I decided not to. It all happened 60 y.o. Who knows what he has been up to other times that we did not find out about. It definitely is a sickness. I hope in some way what I say could be of some help to you. We can never choose our relatives, if we could we would never choose such sickoes.

[sliver]

nohorn, thank you for such an open response. I don't think your aunt should have told you about your father, but it's done now. I am sad for you, having your memories trampled on. I could still meet my mother but I honestly don't think she cares that much, and I am still so angry with her. She has never really been there for me or my children. I have had counselling, but it hasn't made me feel any different than when I started. She is very selfish and she hasn't bothered contacting me for months, although she knows how angry I am with her.

Thanks again for sharing this. It's all very sad x

[Whoever]

I think that for any reconciliation to take place between you and your mother there has to be a desire from both of you to heal the breach and try to understand the other's point of view, even if you don't agree with it. From what you say, it doesn't appear that your mother is at this point yet and she may never be. She and your father have been married a long time and she will have very conflicting loyalties, even if she knows what happened and doesn't condone it. It may be that she has reached a point in her life now that she cannot make the emotional effort to face up to the inevitable conflict which would arise if everything was brought out into the open, and for people like this, the "ostrich with head in the sand" is the other comfotable way they can find of dealing with difficult problems.
You don't say how old your children are so it's difficult to know what you tell them, apart from saying that Granny doesn't feel up to having visitors at the moment. If grandparents are still alive on your husband's side I would concentrate on trying to ensure you children have good relationships with them so that they are not disenfranchised from a grandparent relationship. If one exists here, they may not question too much why your parents no longer appear in their lives one link may be enough for them.

[lorla]

Nohorn is right, it's totally your call and you should do what's right for you. Personally for me, I wouldn't be able to forgive her and would see it as a betrayal but that's just me. I'm a firm believer in counselling and know that you have to find the right counsellor who uses a theory/method that suits you so Im thinking maybe you should give it another go with someone different? I too was annoyed about something/someone and I couldn't get passed it - I went to a counsellor because I didn't know if I should learn to forgive and keep in touch with them OR cut ties and learn to move on. I decided to do the latter and learnt some techniques to deal with the anger and the hurt and I feel soooooo much better.

Good luck in whatever you chose to do.

[sliver]

Thank you to both Whoever and lorla. Firstly, he is my step-father, not my father. Sadly my father died before he came on the scene. My children are teenagers, so there's not much opportunity for fobbing off. They have both grandparents on their father's side, but they're not great role models and are not close. Whoever, you're spot on. My mother isn't in a place to face up to this, and I doubt she ever will be. lorla, good on you. Moving on is sometimes the best thing to do. Thank you both, very insightful x

I spoke to my brother today and it seems my mother is waiting for me to make the next move, so I feel she is treating it like some kind of competition, and I'm just not interested.

[sacha.86]

short answer, if you cope better with her out of your life leave it that way. If not as hard as it is try 2 understand your mum must have her own issues and fears eg. Self assteam problems or been scared of being alone, and that is y she stays with him

[daymurphy]

Someone very close to me had to deal with an almost identical issue.
She tried to put things behind her and get on with her mother for many years, but her mother's persistant refusal to aknowledge all the things that happened (and her responsibilty for them) eventually was too much.

She has now not seen or spoken to her Mother for 4 years and is much happier that way.

The issue that my friend struggled with mainly was that her mother had lied to protect her husband, and failed to protect her children from him. With this in mind, how could she ever trust her mother again?

[sliver]

sacha.68, thank you. I know she has her reasons for staying with him, but none of them are acceptable to me.
daymurphy, thanks. It sounds like your friend did the right thing for her, I just worry about this from my chidren's angle. I suppose there are no easy options.

[daymurphy]

When you come down to it the children's angle is the most important one of all.

If he could not be trusted with you, how can he be trusted with your children?

[sliver]

That's not an issue because he's never seen my children and never will. It's just my mother I need to make decisions about.

[Tups]

A dreadful situation Sliver. Personally, I cannot understand how a mother can stay with a man who has abused her children! I would want to kill him!! I can only think she is a weak person who couldn't cope on her own so would rather pretend it didn't happen. In her eyes, you are grown up and have your own life whereas she needs this man to keep the life she knows.

If you can live without your mum, then walk away. If you still have burning issues that just won't go away, write to her about them. Of course, you could do the ultimate thing and report him to the police! It's never too late for that! Though I don't think you could do that to your mother, otherwise you'd have done it before now!

Go with your heart and your gut feeling Sliver. They never lie! You know what the alternatives are. Good luck

[tamborine]

Keep away as even if you do take your children to see your parents, you wont be able to relax.

Best way to resolve this situation is to meet in a public place where your children cannot be compromised ie shopping, activity park school functions etc.

[sliver]

Tups, thank you. That was a thoughtful response x
Tamborine, he isn't my parent. my children have never been, and will never be compromised as they've never met him, but I take your point about other children in similar situations, thanks x