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Am I a bad person?
19 Answers
Hi. I really could do with some advice please.
I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend who I love dearly for over 12 years now. I really do love him so much and would do anything for him, I could not imagine life without him. When we first started seeing each other it was a bit rocky as we both had some issues to work through due to previous bad relationships we were both in. We got through this and everything was great until I had to work away for 7 months. This meant I only really saw my boyfriend on weekends. I was so stressed as my work was very demanding and this cused me to be bad tempered and very arguementative. My boyfriend thought I was seeing somebody else which I honestly was not, I was simply working very hard. This caused us to drift away from each other and my bofriend became involved with somebody else. Eventually he realised that he still loved me and wanted to be with me and not her. We have worked through this (with the odd 'up and down' on the way but nothing too serious) and have been planning to get married. However, this weekend was terrible. We had a friend over and had had quite a bit to drink. While our friend was in the bathroom we ended up having a heated discussion and my boyfriend said he did not trust me. I flew off the handle and shouted at him. However, I was so wound up I did not let it go and I kept on shouting and brought up everything that had happened in the past while our friend waws there. I realise that this was a very bad thing to do but I was so upset and angry I could not stop myself. I was even telling my boyfriend to get out.
He now says he cannot trust me. I totaly understand that he would be angry and upset with me and I really want to make amends for this. I am so disappointed with myself, I feel really terrible.
Do you think I need help? I would do anything to make amends and any advice would be really appreciated.
Thank you.
I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend who I love dearly for over 12 years now. I really do love him so much and would do anything for him, I could not imagine life without him. When we first started seeing each other it was a bit rocky as we both had some issues to work through due to previous bad relationships we were both in. We got through this and everything was great until I had to work away for 7 months. This meant I only really saw my boyfriend on weekends. I was so stressed as my work was very demanding and this cused me to be bad tempered and very arguementative. My boyfriend thought I was seeing somebody else which I honestly was not, I was simply working very hard. This caused us to drift away from each other and my bofriend became involved with somebody else. Eventually he realised that he still loved me and wanted to be with me and not her. We have worked through this (with the odd 'up and down' on the way but nothing too serious) and have been planning to get married. However, this weekend was terrible. We had a friend over and had had quite a bit to drink. While our friend was in the bathroom we ended up having a heated discussion and my boyfriend said he did not trust me. I flew off the handle and shouted at him. However, I was so wound up I did not let it go and I kept on shouting and brought up everything that had happened in the past while our friend waws there. I realise that this was a very bad thing to do but I was so upset and angry I could not stop myself. I was even telling my boyfriend to get out.
He now says he cannot trust me. I totaly understand that he would be angry and upset with me and I really want to make amends for this. I am so disappointed with myself, I feel really terrible.
Do you think I need help? I would do anything to make amends and any advice would be really appreciated.
Thank you.
Answers
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Well other than being a bit of a knob while drunk (which most of us have done) and flying off the handle I don't really see what the problem is. You didn't leave him for anyone else (rather the other way round) and unless you've had an affair or something you're not telling us about I'd say that particular problem is his. There's no reason for him not to trust you on that front.
Only thing I can suggest is that you seem to have a bit of a temper as you mentioned you were argumentative when you were stressed at work and he apparently has trust issues, you can either work through them together or you can go to somewhere like RELATE which will help you. I'd say you both need to have a word with yourselves rather than one or the other but it still doesn't sound that terrible to me.
And try not to give yourself too hard a time over your outburst, it was stupid, wrong and you might want to watch your vino intake in the future if it makes you prone to getting more emotional than usual but it takes two and sounds like he's not guilt free either. Just apologise and move on from that.
Only thing I can suggest is that you seem to have a bit of a temper as you mentioned you were argumentative when you were stressed at work and he apparently has trust issues, you can either work through them together or you can go to somewhere like RELATE which will help you. I'd say you both need to have a word with yourselves rather than one or the other but it still doesn't sound that terrible to me.
And try not to give yourself too hard a time over your outburst, it was stupid, wrong and you might want to watch your vino intake in the future if it makes you prone to getting more emotional than usual but it takes two and sounds like he's not guilt free either. Just apologise and move on from that.
Whooaahh, hot head !!
But listen ... when people are passionate about each other, they sometimes do EVERYTHING passionately.
They love with a passion, and they row with a passion.
Hopefully the 2 of you can just realise ... you had a big dust up, it's a bummer that someone else was there at the time but hey, what's done is done.
Do you need help? No.
Would he swap you for some dull girl with no spirit? No.
So now ... get on with loving each other.
But listen ... when people are passionate about each other, they sometimes do EVERYTHING passionately.
They love with a passion, and they row with a passion.
Hopefully the 2 of you can just realise ... you had a big dust up, it's a bummer that someone else was there at the time but hey, what's done is done.
Do you need help? No.
Would he swap you for some dull girl with no spirit? No.
So now ... get on with loving each other.
bf knew you had company when he raised the issue of trust - he wrongly thought the visitor would be cover to stop a fracas. You were right to deny his lies; he was looking for a way out of the relationship or frightened of commitment.
Let him go, he's taken up too much of your time without commitment. The split leaves you free to meet another, more worthwhile. Good luck ;)
Let him go, he's taken up too much of your time without commitment. The split leaves you free to meet another, more worthwhile. Good luck ;)
Hi neesy,
If you dont have trust in a relationship, what's the point?.....and if you get married, will it continue and get worse.
He does'nt seem to trust you and that's not good.
12 years is a long time in a relationship.....and appreciate that you love him so very much.
Can you ever get out of your mind what happened?
He did have a relationship with someone else when you say you drifted apart.....so....
It's either a good long heart to heart, about what ways you can stay together and whether you REALLY want to try to make your relationship work.......or just move on....and decide to end as for the best, before you get married, have children etc
Wish you luck and all the best x
If you dont have trust in a relationship, what's the point?.....and if you get married, will it continue and get worse.
He does'nt seem to trust you and that's not good.
12 years is a long time in a relationship.....and appreciate that you love him so very much.
Can you ever get out of your mind what happened?
He did have a relationship with someone else when you say you drifted apart.....so....
It's either a good long heart to heart, about what ways you can stay together and whether you REALLY want to try to make your relationship work.......or just move on....and decide to end as for the best, before you get married, have children etc
Wish you luck and all the best x
Hi.
Thank you all so much for your kind words.
The reason why he does not trust me is because of what I mentioned previously ie. the fact that I was arguementative in the past. I was working away a lot and was very stressed. I was also wrongly told by a nurse (after going for some tests) that I could not have children. I was really devastated and wrongly took this out on my boyfriend as I thought he would be better off without me and finding somebody else (better than me who could have kids - he loves children) I have since been told by a specialist that what this nurse told me was very wrong and I would most likely just find it harder than the average person to have children but by no means rule it out. I did promise him it would never happen again. Unfortunately it has. I am not happy at all with myself about that and I realise I do have a temper (I also know that the vino only makes matters worse!). I do usually try to control my temper and have done for some time now. I'm just disappointed and feel really bad about it. I just need to know that I'm not going mad and I'm not a bad person (I don't mean to be!)
Thanks again :-).
Thank you all so much for your kind words.
The reason why he does not trust me is because of what I mentioned previously ie. the fact that I was arguementative in the past. I was working away a lot and was very stressed. I was also wrongly told by a nurse (after going for some tests) that I could not have children. I was really devastated and wrongly took this out on my boyfriend as I thought he would be better off without me and finding somebody else (better than me who could have kids - he loves children) I have since been told by a specialist that what this nurse told me was very wrong and I would most likely just find it harder than the average person to have children but by no means rule it out. I did promise him it would never happen again. Unfortunately it has. I am not happy at all with myself about that and I realise I do have a temper (I also know that the vino only makes matters worse!). I do usually try to control my temper and have done for some time now. I'm just disappointed and feel really bad about it. I just need to know that I'm not going mad and I'm not a bad person (I don't mean to be!)
Thanks again :-).
I think you are being too hard on yourself.
OK, maybe you were a little hot-headed, but people make mistakes - that's why they put rubbers on the end of pencils!
I think you should do two things - stop beating yourself up over a row, which takes two, and which you have not provoked, and let time take its course, and keep talking.
As Cina suggests, some Relationship counselling may well help you both to explore your feelings and move forward from this.
Hope things work out - please let us know.
OK, maybe you were a little hot-headed, but people make mistakes - that's why they put rubbers on the end of pencils!
I think you should do two things - stop beating yourself up over a row, which takes two, and which you have not provoked, and let time take its course, and keep talking.
As Cina suggests, some Relationship counselling may well help you both to explore your feelings and move forward from this.
Hope things work out - please let us know.
People who have affairs often have trouble trusting their partners because they know how easily it can happen. Cheaters are terrible hypocrites.
They can also feel the need to demean their partner because of the guilt they feel themselves. If they can convince themselves that their partner was always unworthy it helps them justify having the affair. This is toxic to a relationship which can rapidly spiral to its demise.
Feeling that breakdown is somehow inevitable, the guilty partner can anticipate such a sense of relief for it to be over that they will sometimes provoke the showdown. This way it is ostensibly not their decision to end it.
It appears from that the OP's boyfriend has already convinced her his affair was all her fault so making her tell him to keave would have been easy. Of course there is a good chance he has decided to go for the other woman and he took the easy way out.
What he really doesn't trust is that the woman he cheated on will ever love him again. Without that trust a person cannot really fully love anyone.
They can also feel the need to demean their partner because of the guilt they feel themselves. If they can convince themselves that their partner was always unworthy it helps them justify having the affair. This is toxic to a relationship which can rapidly spiral to its demise.
Feeling that breakdown is somehow inevitable, the guilty partner can anticipate such a sense of relief for it to be over that they will sometimes provoke the showdown. This way it is ostensibly not their decision to end it.
It appears from that the OP's boyfriend has already convinced her his affair was all her fault so making her tell him to keave would have been easy. Of course there is a good chance he has decided to go for the other woman and he took the easy way out.
What he really doesn't trust is that the woman he cheated on will ever love him again. Without that trust a person cannot really fully love anyone.
Hello again.
There has been a further development.
My partner has now found that our friend has mentioned the fracas from the other night to another friend.
I confronted our friend about this as believe it or not I would never ever put up with anybody saying a bad word against my partner. Our friend has told me he only mentioned that we had had an arguement and I was fiery. He said he did not go into detail at all and I do believe him as he is an honest person. He says it is not a big deal and we should try to forget about it as all couples argue (that's what the other friend said too). This has now made my partner furious. He wants to 'cut his friends off' and not bother with them any more as he thinks they are interfereing. I have tried to reassure him that they do not think badly of him (in fact VERY much the opposite - they have told me on many occassions how they feel about him). However, my partner says that all I have done is cause trouble, made matters worse and I am a bully hiding behind other people whilst picking on him. He also says it is going to take a long time (if ever) before he can trust me again. Oh how I wish I could turn back time and have somehow avoided this!
There has been a further development.
My partner has now found that our friend has mentioned the fracas from the other night to another friend.
I confronted our friend about this as believe it or not I would never ever put up with anybody saying a bad word against my partner. Our friend has told me he only mentioned that we had had an arguement and I was fiery. He said he did not go into detail at all and I do believe him as he is an honest person. He says it is not a big deal and we should try to forget about it as all couples argue (that's what the other friend said too). This has now made my partner furious. He wants to 'cut his friends off' and not bother with them any more as he thinks they are interfereing. I have tried to reassure him that they do not think badly of him (in fact VERY much the opposite - they have told me on many occassions how they feel about him). However, my partner says that all I have done is cause trouble, made matters worse and I am a bully hiding behind other people whilst picking on him. He also says it is going to take a long time (if ever) before he can trust me again. Oh how I wish I could turn back time and have somehow avoided this!
just read your blog. and it sounds alot like myself.iam the same! not so bad now! but we are working through it! and alot happy now,you have had alot of trouble when you was growing up it sounds, say from age 15?and bein hurt.and you caant help with the anger!? plus sounds like you boyfreinds on the wrong not you! you only flirted. just to really feel better in ur self. and to get him back!in the back of your mind you felt good at that point! but no feel bad! but dont! hes done the same or worse? so stop this aregeing and try to get on! let him talk, listen to eachother! b4 shouted, lol thats wot iam like, hehe. no good, i end up hitting him! just silly things.not worth the it!
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