My daughter Visiting

[yellownana]

The in-laws moved near us approx 5 months ago. I have asked on a regular basis if they would like to spend some time with my 1 year old daughter and they have always been too busy

Her grandma recently asked me if she could take her out for the day, which i said yes to. As the time got nearer, i backed out a bit, as i didn’t feel that my daughter would be comfortable enough to spend the whole day with her, plus I have recently started a new job and wanted to spend that particular day with her myself. I suggested that i go along with them the first few times to get her used to them and they said no.

They have now kicked up a big stink saying that we don't want them to have her and that it's not fair that they don't see her a lot. My mum has her 2 days a week, whilst I’m at work, but that’s because my mum has always made the effort and knows her well.

It just seems that the in-laws want her when they feel like it, as they're never around when I’m free. My partner keeps saying to just let his mum have her to keep her from moaning, but why should I? I know he just wants a quiet life!! This is what my whole point was in the first place.

Am i being too overprotective with my daughter? I'd rather be that way though. I don't think she'd come to any harm with her grandparents, but i know she just cries when she doesn't know people. I have tried to get her to know the in-laws well, so it's not like I’ve stopped them seeing her. She sees other people all the time and she's fine with them, so it's not like i wrap her in cotton wool.

Also, when we make plans to meet up etc, she always cancels or changes them at the last minute.. Everything is a farce and I’m just sick of it now. Now I’m made to loko like the bad one…

What are your thought and suggestions?

[Androcles]

Sounds to me like they have a point. Your partner is happy for his Mum to have her and you are happy for her to be with other people, so why not the in-laws? You sound like you are finding excuses rather than face up to the issue.

Why not try and make an effort and go out with them with her and see how it goes?

[mollykins]

But thats her point Andro, whenever she tries to, the inlaws say they're busy and its got a stage where the baby won't be able to be left with them for a day at a time because she's not used to them and will cry if she is.

I don't think its making you look bad, its good that you care about your daughter enough to not just dump her with the in-laws, which would deeply upset her, you only have her best intrests in mind, which is good.

[ummmm]

You're not being unreasonable. Most people would be wary of letting their child go with, what sounds like, a relative stranger. I'm sure they'd treat her well....but do you want the worry of her becoming distressed.

Suggest...get your husband to take your daughter round to see them until they know each other.

[redcrx]

my mother in law sees my kids 3 times a year due to how far away she lives. Im still more than happy to let her have them for the afternoon.

Get your hubby to invite his parents over or out with you all for the day and encourage your daughter to spend time with them

[Androcles]

I'm just saying Mollykins, this is a family situation where it is perceptions that matter. They perceive that yellownana is not letting them see the child. From what she says, despite her perception that they never are available when she wants them to be, she is reluctant to let them have her.

This situation will continue as a "he said, she said" situation unless somebody tries to resolve it to everybody's satisfaction.

'm just suggesting she makes the first move......

[mollykins]

Does she cry when you're not around? even if your husband is with her? if she is alright left with him, i think the suggestions of him finding a time that they can meet, if you can't would work.

[Robinia]

I think it's a shame that you backed down the first time. She may have been a little upset at first but it's surprising how quickly babies settle. Besides, I'm sure they have mobile phones don't they? They could have called to say they were bringing her home early if she really was upset.
If you really want them to get to know her you're going to have to take the risk & let them have her for a few hours before it's too late & she's old enough to start throwing tantrums.

[yellownana]

Thanks guys for the answers.. I do want them to see her, but why should it be on their terms afte all this time? I don't want my daughter to suffer or be bitter so i'll rise above it.

I have tried to go with them when they have her and i think they feel like i'm observing (i'm genuinely not)

I will wait for them to contact me thought, otherwise all this messing around will have been for nothing..

Thanks again :-) x

[ummmm]

And what part does your husband/partner play?

[yellownana]

I don't understand the question ummmm..

If you mean in the situation.. He doesn't get on with his mum, but he has said to let our daughter go for an hour.. We have now suggested this to his mum and she is too busy sulking to bother with a reply..

As i said, we have tried in the past and she just maks things very hard.. It's amazing how she can turn something so trivial into a big family arguement.

She should respet our decisions as parents, even if she doesn't agree with them.

He says he didn't want to get invloved, but then just says to let our daughter go, as he wants a quiet life and no tension. Who an blame him? :-)

[k8bailey]

You should never let anyone look after your child if you don't feel totally comfortable about it. Sounds like the MIL needs to make a bit more of an effort on a more regular basis before she can look after your daughter, especially for a whole day.....but, be careful what you wish for, if your partner already doesn't get on with her, having her around more often may be stressful for all involved. If I were in your situation, I'd keep things the way they are!