A Bit Confused (2)

[Otrere]

OK - following on from my previous post and your advice, I have tried communicating with my husband, but because I know he finds it really difficult to talk about these things, I emailed him and this is what was said:

I asked him:

Is there another reason that we don't do the deed?
Are you depressed, something else on your mind?
Something that you are nervous to talk about?
Do you think we should see a doctor or Relate or something?

He said:

Certainly not.

I asked:

Is there someone else?

He said:

Definitley not!!

I told him:

Its eating away at me and doing my head in babe. I'm only human at the end of the day.

He said:

Im not exactly sure...
For some reason, I seem to be really shy about it all, I can't explain it and I don't really know what more to say. It might have something to do with you being so "up front" about it, I'm not used to that.

..... But if he is so embarrassed about me talking to him about it, I'm never gonna get anywhere!!! ....

I said:

Well the reason I'm being upfront about it is simply because I'm worried and you are my husband after all and I thought husbands and wives are supposed to talk about everything? I don't understand why you are shy with me?

His reply?:

That's just me all over.

[Englishbird]

Really constructive answer!!!

How about saying something like, 'well it's really getting me down and I don't know what to do about it, but I know i can't carry on like this.  Do you have any suggestions?'  Ask him direct short questions, men tend to respond better to them.  Problem is if he feels like he's being backed into a corner, it could make it worse.

He has to admit there's a problem before you can find a solution.

I do feel for you though x x

[georgit79]

Or how about:

"We can have the lights off, you can keep your clothes on, we can be in bed, under the covers, just do it now or go without roast dinners until 2027!"

[Otrere]

He admitted this afternoon that there is a problem but I think I scare him a bit. He hates talking abou it and would rather just do it - and I think I scare him how upfront I am about it.

Am going to try dropping the subject altogether and see if me backing off a bit will help.

Thanks folks.

[lady_p_gold]

Well that really is not satisfactory is it ??  I think the time has come to be a bit more graphic and to say to him 'I do not believe that you have not had some sort of sexual outlet for the last god knows how many months, and so .. what outlet are you having.  I agree with Englishbird 'I can't carry on like this' is a good phrase.  It seems unless something happens to bring him up sharply then he will just go on with this ostrich method - and if he really does love you as he says, would he want you to carry on being distressed and hurt ??

[Otrere]

Well to be pefectly honest I really don't want to know he if is having another outlet. I'd sooner not know. He doesn't have time to have an affair, so there is only one other way to off some steam.

[missmooncat]

Has it always been like this,or did you used to do "The deed"? If its the second he may be depressed

[Otrere]

Hi MISSMOONCAT - things were quite passionate at the beginning - till about 8 mths into the relationship (as I said in my previous post that I often wonder how I managed to get pregnant with our daughter (now nearly 3) in the first place!).

But he says he isn't depressed. Unfortunately I do suffer with a bit of depression and can recognise it and he doesn't seem to be showing any signs?

He just finds me a bit forward and him being a bit shy he finds this quite overwhelming and offputting - that is what he said anyway. I wondered if he thought he was "rude" enough for me but really that isn't a probably - our sex life was fab before (as far as I was concerned anyway!).

[the>one]

in the nicest way otrere......back off!!!!!.....give the guy a break......try not mentioning it for a while....i feel a bit sorry for him being pushed so much.

[Otrere]

Thanks THE ONE - I understand what you're saying - I did say this myself, i.e.

"Am going to try dropping the subject altogether and see if me backing off a bit will help. "

Its only been 18 months eh?!!!!!!!!!!!

[Dark Angel]

Otrere - you are not alone, it is a more common problem than you think. It doesn't have to be another women. It maybe (I say maybe) depression. And sometimes the reason for depression is not obvious. If you don't mind me asking is he (your husband) from a broken home, or does he have a svengali parent who emotionally controls him? Has he achieved what he wants to with his life?Does he have siblings who have achieved more than he has? -You don't need to answer these questions just things to consider.    

Men are complex. They don't say what's on their minds, unlike women. Its difficult to give a constructive answer. Men also don't like showing weakness so the suggestion of going to Relate is a non starter.

All I can say is that I feel for you and wish you the best.