breakups...just curious...

[joko]

chatting to a mate and she said that many years ago, a guy she was seeing split up with her, and it was so final she was devastated...

the finality of it...

however later on he hinted that it may not be final after all and she was suddenly fine...even though it never happened.

she also said at other times when shes spilt with someone, if they have given her a hint that its not final, she has taken it much better and even when thye havent got back together, she got over it quicker...

so just wondering - although its more 'correct' to be honest with someone when breaking up with them, and not give them false hope...is it kinder and actually helpful in some ways to pretend there is a chance to get back together...? just to soften the blow and allow them time to get over the shock etc and get used to the idea...and even let them get back into their old life a bit, ' while they wait'...

at least at first i mean...obviously when they have got used to the idea and have had time away from you you must eventually be honest, but by then will they cope better surely

is this where the idea of pretending you are 'on a break' comes from...?

[karenmac60]

I don't know about that Joko. When I split with my ex-husband, I was leaving for good but he decided it was just a trial separation (even though I had no intention of getting back with him). He deluded himself for 3 months and told everyone else it was just a break, but it meant that after the 3 months we had to go through the whole breakup again and it was just as hard 2nd time around. It had also meant that during those 3 months he had kept pestering me, turning up at my home or where he knew I'd be all the time because he couldn't get it into his head that it was over. It only delayed the inevitable and made us both feel really cr@p for longer.

[lilacben]

My daughters marrage was like that. They had lived together happily for seven years but within 6 months he said he didnt love her anymore and left her. Then went back, stayed another few months, which by then they had sold there flat and bought a house. Then told her he didnt really want to go back in the first place and was now leaving her again.! Which he did and they got a divorce. That made it twice as bad in the end.

[lilacben]

What I left out in the above post was . they lived together for 7 years and within six months of being married he left her.

[Marijn]

Yes, I agree with you Joko, it does soften the blow.

[joeluke]

From experience being straight to the point when dumping someone is always the best way, it doesn't give the other person false hope

[rowanwitch]

Just be kind when you do it was my rule, and no contact afterwards if it can be avoided as that can feed the flame of false hope or if it has to happen keep everything as cool and neutral as possible