Question Author
Right then, answers to the problems i've seen so far.
Sara - Trampoline: Read the instructions, if that still doesn't work then flutter your eyelids at the bloke next door. He'll be so keen to impress that he'll try to put it together, fail miserably, then (instead of admitting his failure at manly prowess) will go and buy you a pre-made one. Problem solved
Sara - Daughter: Ask her, if she refuses to answer the threaten to get drunk and cut her hair whilst she sleeps. She'll be so petrified she'll tell you every little secret in her life. On the off chance she's always desired a skinhead then tell her instead that your getting your nipples pierced and will show every lad she ever brings back to house, from now until your 80!
Chuck - Car: Pay a local kid a fiver to do it, then when he's finished tell him he did a crap job and refuse to pay. Job's a good 'un.
Lard - Bin: Not a chance, sorry.
Lard - Splashback: Just apply clingfilm to your wall. When dirty you can just peel it off and start again.
Pasta - Curtains: Why bother with expensive curtains. Instead buy a whiteboard marker and just colour your windows in every night. Next morning, just wipe clean.