True love? or love lost.

[merdok]

my question is too long for a single post, the first half is here, the second half is under the question " true love part two"

Until recently, I've been with my girlfriend for six years, I love her very much and she loves me equally, the problem is, we argue - a lot - about things which seem trivial to most but to us they represent a fundamental difference in our character which is the cause of our grief.

Simply put, she has a short fuse and I am mr apathy, It is something we both want to change in ourselves but we are products of our past, she was raised by unaffectionate parents who virtually treat her like a slave and I was pretty much coddled, add that to the fact I'm a recovering depressive and you can imagine how lazy I've actually become. 

Now, the fact is, I would love to grow old with sarah, I'm sure she'd like that as well, but we've been in a 6 year cycle where we split up and then get back together, we almost survived 18 months without splitting up, we even moved in together and at first it was wonderful (although her parents lack of love has given her a little bit of crazy, for the first 4 months of living together we had seperate bedrooms!) after a while, we started to settle but after a while we starrted to return to our old ways, we'd be happy and smiling and watching tv on the couch and then she'd suddenly get up and start tidying, then within minutes she'd be complaining at me for being lazy (even though the house wasnt particularly messy) and within minutes she'd be calling me all the names under the sun and eventually when she'd had enough of me trying to defend myself or even sometimes apologise (because sometimes I do deserve it) she'd storm off, after about 20 mins she'd be fine and act like nothing had happenend.

[milfman]

i gather your both young.....first love can often be turbulent.......look at it as though ts practice for the real thing, which you haven't met yet....once you move on (which you should)....it may take several relationships until you find miss right...but you will...you sound like a decent chap....and she a nice girl....but not meant for each other in the long term.....you wouldn't want to spend the next 50 years...in the relationnship that you describe above...do you?....best of luck

[tigerthecat]

mmm .. did you say (intimate) she had a difficult child hood, if it's yes I will respond in much greater depth.

[merdok]

yes, it was not difficult in terms of abuse or anything like that, but her parents are not in love, they dont sleep together and they never show any form of affection, I also get the impression that they had children so that they'd do all their housework for them. Her mother is 10 times lazier than me and her father is either at work or in bed... he never spends time with them.

[tigerthecat]

I thought it sounded very familiar. Although not physically or sexually abused I would decribe myself as emotionally abused and as a result behaved very like your girlfriend. I really didn't know how to show love , didn't know what good relationship looked like and most importantly thought I wasn't good enough to be loved. I spent many years testing the resolve of a number of different partners. Childhood really does set the foundations for the rest of your life and when they are flimsy or bits are missing whatever goes on top has the ability to fall down at any time.

The answer isn't easy, in my early 20's my partner said I either got professional help or it was over. I went to my GP and went through a very difficult time having psychotherapy. This did help and I faced up to some difficult things. Probably talking to someone who isn't a friend but who says that wasn't right, in fact that was neglectful, made me understand my own behaviour better. I suspect your GF knows she has a problem - it's what to do about it thats the hard bit.

I did go back for more therapy when I turned 30. The therapist had warned me that although I felt like Mrs Strong Person after the first lot there was a strong possibility that during difficult times I would revert to my previous behaviour - I did.

I was very much helped by my partners understanding. He learnt just how my childhood continued to affect me in adulthood the hard way. He remained as calm  and loving as he possibly could have and I wouldn't be the person I am today without him.

I stayed with my partner and am still with him (from 22 to 42) we have a child and I am a fanatstic mother. Our relationship has survived. Your postings really struck a chord. 3 year old prevents further thoughts. Ask her to get help it will change her life.

[merdok]

Thank you, that post was really helpful, I did mention to her recently that she should see a university counsellor because apart from our relationship issues she also has problems with nerves and nearly failed her degree because of them, fortunately she managed to pass and is now doing a pgce, however she is still very nervous about it. Hopefully the counsellor will touch on her emotional problems and help her through.

Unfortunately it is virtually impossible for me to talk to her about our relationship problems as she always gets defensive and angry. With any luck the counsellor will help. Thank you so much for your comments.

[tigerthecat]

Oh my even more familiar - I've been teaching for the last 10 years. My priority for the kids I teach is happiness forget achievement. It's the kids that don't stand out that concerned me. When I was a kid I just wanted to keep control of an unfathomable stuation. As far as that aspect of the job has gone I have done a good job. Although being kind to your pupils I discovered was frowned upon by management and collegues. I couldn't do it any other way though.

I also ended the relatioship with my parents and 2 of my sibilings and that has been liberating for me.

I have also been fortunate as an adult to find to best friends (this eluded me as a child) who have been contributers to the person I am today.

I still get angry and cannot walk on the other side of the street when I percieve injustice and this can make my life hard.

I don't envy you and if I'd got the courage I ought to ask my partner to post here as his point of view would I'm sure help you. However he might just say get out now - see it never goes away really I just deal with it better.