Cutting family off...

[tequilamock]

We are a 44 year old couple, not youngsters. My husband's family (father, sister and brother in law) are emotional abusers. They are toxic to us and we feel worse after being in their company. So... we want to withdraw from them... but how..? The issue is we have a young daughter, and, whilst I don't want to keep her from her family, I also want her to be brought up to be honest with her feelings and not accepting of people who hurt her, or us.

Any opinions?

[chokkie]

I'd just steer clear of them full stop. If you feel that you don't want to deprive your daughter of her kin, and you think she's old enough to understand the situation, then explain it to her and say she's free to make her own mind up about whether or not she wants to see them. But I would definitely keep away from them, you don't want them messing up your lives - they seem to have already messed up their own!

[boxtops]

I would say, cut the ties, distance yourselves. Families do do that, for whatever reason. Life is too short to spend time and be influenced by those who make you unhappy. As long as your husband agrees, and has so guilt about distancing himself from his father, go for it. It's a hard one but I have cut free from friends who dragged me down, in recent years. Family is more difficult as there should be loyalities, but if it's not working, don't feel bad about cutting loose. Good luck to you.

[4getmenot]

at end of day I feel you will do what you please anyway. You have 2 choices, ignore them and rise above it, you dont have to see them all the time that way your daughter can still see them or cut off all ties including your daughters with them.

[boxtops]

^^ that should be "no guilt"

[saxy_jag]

We had this to a degree with my mother. I could not be in her company for more than an hour without her reducing me to tears and/or turning me into a shouting, raving wreck.

I had a lot of support from my hubby, who said I wasn't to think of myself as the guilty party and wasn't to allow my mother to make me out to be. A conversation with my sister also revealed how mum has been playing us against one another for years.

Now we have a rule that we only visit once a fortnight, and my sister goes once a week with the groceries. We all seem to get on a lot better now, although Mum doesn't like it when I defend my sister sometimes. We know Mum's OK - she has carers every day and can phone us if anything's wrong.

It's not been easy, and I do sometimes feel a little guilty at not seeing Mum so often as she's on her own and housebound, but then I see no reason why I should give myself a nervous breakdown over her.

[tequilamock]

Thanks everyone! Appreciate hearing all those comments. It's a tough one, but I know you're right... I can feel the repercussions already, but we do need to stand strong on this. We don't have to be nasty, just firm.