teenage son hates school, help!

[Kelly3400]

Hi. I'll make this short as possible. My 13 year old son has ALWAYS hated school.  We have always struggled with homework & studying.  We've had him tested by the school psychologist twice for learning disabilies and although "some" of his teacher see problems with his reading, all tests have come back fine.  We've also had him tested for ADD and ADHD.  It just seems that he only wants to do things that interest him. And school is NOT one of them!  He is a hands on kid and loves to tear apart bicyles and motorcyles, loves to fish & hunt, and only likes to read things that pertain to the outdoors.  If it weren't for my husband and I spending countless hours with him EVERY night, I know that he would fail school. Does anyone have any advice on what we can do to make this easier on all of us.  At least until he enters the 10th grade.  That's when he can enter VO-TECH and take up a "hands on" trade.  He is looking forward to that!  I appreciate any advice I can get on this.

[Otrere]

I personally would want to know exactly WHY he hates school? You don't think he's being bullied do you?

[Kelly3400]

Thanks for asking that question.  No, he is not being bullied.  He actually does like three things about school and that is gym class, lunch, and his friends.  He walks home from school every day and I am a stay at home mom and I frequently check up on him on his walks home from school.  He is a very popular & likeable kid.  ?????

[FP]

This is such a common problem for teenage boys.  I have acted as a mentor in a Secondary School and have seen how miserable school makes them.  I have come to believe that the school leaving age is far too high for a lot of these lads and they would be far better off employed at 14 in an apprenticeship that they are interested in.  They need to have a fundamental education, I agree but too much time is spent at school on silly stuff that doesn't interest them.  I remember my own son's glee at having to design a brochure for Danish Pizza in Home Economics - not!

This is a very emotive subject for me.  My son did well at school (he is bright) but hated it after age 14 and never worked.  School is designed for girls.  Girls like to study and produce neat work and care what the teachers think about them. Boys want hands on experience in general and like to see the results of their work in action.

I read an interesting article about boys saying that years ago when the testosterone kicked in at about 14m most boys were about to leave school and all the energy was put into their new jobs or apprenticeships, ie. their energy was channelled.  These days boys of 15 and 16 are not having this energy channelled (except perhaps in sports studies) and are rebelling and becoming disruptive.  had more thought put into it.  Perhaps even the old system of separate schools for boys and girls might be better.

Sorry for the rant and I know a lot of people will totally disagree with me, but it is a subject I feel strongly about.

Your son sounds lovely and normal - just bear with it until he reaches that 10th grade, you won't be the only parent tearing your hair out.

[Kelly3400]

THANK YOU FP!!!  So many people tell me that I need to keep pulling my hair out.  When my husband read your response he said RIGHT ON!  Sounds so much like our son.  And although a lot might disagree with you, I am one who agrees.  I feel like I've FINALLY got some insight on this. If you know of any articles or books you've read that you've found helpful, please share!  Thanks!!!!!!!!

[FP]

I really can't remember where I read that article, but it was just so true.  If I come across it again I will let you know.  Please don't despair and don't ruin your family's evenings by constantly spending hours doing school work.  Have some fun together it will do you all a lot of good.  Give your son a big cuddle (even if it embarrasses him). 

[simont]

I have a five children, one of whom is a boy and boy is he different from the other 4.  My wife and I home school our children out of preference, but when it came to our son we just knew we had to.  We knew that if he went to school he would have had a tag put on him suggesting all sorts of learning 'problems'.  In fact the only problem he really has is sitting down.  My wife does all his numeracy and literacy and everything else with him standing at a table.  He learns fine.  This at school would not have been possible.  She felt that she would teach him at home and focus in on his real strenghts.  Like your son, subjects that he is keen on he excels in, subjects that he hates he behaves like he has never seen the written word before in his life.  His 'subject' is music and he begs to practice several hours a day.  He is quite good at it!  This would not have been poss at school and he possibly would have resented the hours at school when he could be playing piano.

People in the past have mentioned autistic spectrum disorder, but I think again, this is just another example of trying to label a child that isn't fitting into 'school'. I think this desire to subject specialise is not only typical of boys, but I see it in us men generally; men who don't remember to take out the rubbish for their wives, but could tell you that days football results for all the teams in their league??? This is just one simple example.  Autistic, I don't think so.  men excel in subject specialism because they don't understand why you would waste time learning about something you will never use in your life.

.

[FP]

Brilliant answer SimonT.  Funnily enough my son is brilliant at music, electronics, computer science, etc.and has for the most part self taught because of his extreme interest.  He did learn to count from 1 - 10 (only just) in French in about 4 years - prime example of what boys and men are like.

[Kelly3400]

Wow...everyone has just been so helpful.  I guess I just needed to hear something positive before school starts.  I never expected to get this much feedback!  Thanks everyone. 

[Peri]

I have a 15 year old in school because he has to be but is good with his hands Kelly.  I would say your son has a lot of interests and has something to aim at - a lot of kids these days are bored and just dont know what they want to do. 

[jodie1404]

hi, ive just left school this year and i hated school so much! and i have a feeling im goin 2 fail wen i collect my results on thursday!  i hated school because i was having a bad time out of school, could it be possible that your son is having a bad experience in or out of school that you are not aware of? as mine affected my behaviour in and out of school also! my sister had al the symptons of adhd also and was tested for this, she hated school, and she failed her behaviour was this way because of a situation outside of school! she found that my mum nagging her and trying to force her into work pushed her away from it, when i was in school i would get behind and not really pay attention. i'd sometimes attend after school classes which helped and tryed to get an active and healthier lifestyle and the food i ate also changed my attitude to school i could concentrate better and also felt alot happier! by having an active lifestyle and thinking into what i would like to do when im older and my future plans this helped me attempt more at work because i found that school could help me ( and i thought of it in a more positive way) i stopped thinking it was boring and pointless and dreading it and began to think on a more positive side! perhaps discussing school and life on the positive side with your son could help! ask him about his dreams and future plans and without nagging let him know about how he could acheive those using school!, i hope this helps! ( sorry its like an essay)!!

[curiosity]

We know exactly where you are coming from, Our 14 year old daughter got 8's in recent SATS gets glowing reports, and seems to glide through. Our 13 year old son in same school, equally as bright & popular & skilled "isn't switched on" "doesn't apply himself" and "must do better". It's been hard to balance the praise of the daughter, and encourage and support him, and increase discipline!, without making him feel worse. We didn't want to just accept that he is a boy who doesn't like academic work and things will turn out OK in the end, cos we know that in these days he will need some results (he talks about it being a natural thing that he will go to college & uni) But equally we didn't want to come on too strong, cos he genuinely seems not motivated by a lot of his lessons. I believe this is boys and remember how disgruntled he was when the sandpit disappeared in year one of primary school, replaced by a pen! We basically have had a little pep talk about how "we" can make it better, I've bought some fish oil which he is taking, and this has helped in this whole thing being us together fighting the problem of him not being energised as opposed to us nagging as the teachers do. He's a great kid, loves music skating, and got top marks in Science & IT. I love what his last primary school teacher put on his report, it brought tears to my eyes. She wrote "I do hope that formal education doesn't interfere with Max's wonderful enjoyment of life" Hope this helps

[princessfun]

I have had the same problem with my son. He had two IEP meetings and they told me nothing was wrong. I went to a psycologist who found he has ADD the inatentive type and auditory processing problems. The school is not qualified to test for these things, but they don't tell you that. My neighbor fought with her school, which is in a different district than my sons, they even had the nerve to tell her to take parenting classes. Her other son is on honor role. Come to find out, she was right her son has auditory processing problems. He is now doing much better and is in special ed after many years of fighting with the school. I finally got a 504 plan in place for my son after hiring an advocate, and getting a diagnosis on paper, that the school psycologist is not qualified to dispute. Don't listen to the school, they just don't want to pay for any special needs, and will fight you even after you get proof there is a problem. There are psycologist that specialize in this sort of testing and you can make the school pay for the test. Find an advocate. I used his IEP results and that saved me half on the doctors fees. I only paid $700.00 for the tests. If I had done things right I could have gotten the school to pay. Good luck.