a childs funeral

[ethandron]

i'm looking for some guidance from you. we're going to our neighbours grandsons funeral on monday, he's 5. the service will be in a catholic church and then on to a crematorium.
what is the right thing to do, does everyone go to the crematorium as well as the church service? is it considered bad form to just go to the church?
we know there will be a lot of people attending, there is no way we would not go to support the family and show our respects at the church, but as we've never been to a funeral like this we're not quite sure what is considered the right thing to do. as we're not family or close family friends, we don't want to get in the way. but nor do we want to cause any offence.

[bednobs]

they will usually give you some guidance, so for example the priest may well say at the end "you can come to the crem if you want, but otherwise we'll see you at ....."

[mike11111]

It is perfectly acceptable form just to go to the church service. Most people, apart from close family do just that - the service at the crematorium is literally a matter of minutes - merely the committal of the body.

[marval]

If the church service is first, I would suggest going to that. The cremation might be a bit private. But if in doubt you could always ask someone. When my father died everybody came to the church service, at the crematorium just family and very close friends. This might be different though, so do ask if you are not sure.

[4getmenot]

having had many friends die young ive found the church service is to say goodbye but to celebrate his life. And cremetorium is a final fairwell usually just for family. X so sorry to hear, a death is always sad but a tiny little angel has me close to tears. X

[ethandron]

thank you all very much for your replies.
his grandad came round before to tell us the arrangements and it will definitely be a celebration of his little life at the church. we did feel it was right for us to just go to the church but on such a sensitive occasion we really don't want to upset anyone. after what you've all said, that's what we'll do, just go to the church.
thanks for your advice.

[lardhelmet]

When my son died everyone came to the church and then out to the churchyard where he was buried. I appreciated that, even though everyone found it very difficult.

[Clanad]

What the family will remember about the day is that you were there... nothing else really matters. Remember, after a week or two, a kind word, card or phone call will be greatly appreciated as well...

Better yet, go out of your way to take a dish of cookies (your biscuits), pie or cake over to them, if possible and don't avoid the subject if they bring it up. Most families are very vulnerable to the feeling that everyone will just forget them and the child after the tragic loss... follow up means a lot, at least here in the western U.S. and I can't imagine it's not a universally appreciate gesture...

[ethandron]

thank you lardhelmet for your very personal insight, i appreciate it.
also you clanad, for your suggestions. we've lived through many ups and downs with our neighbours over the 25 years we've lived next door and although they're not what we would call friends exactly, we've always been there for them, as they have for us. this however is something completely outside our experience.

[sherrardk]

So sorry to hear your sad news. Recently a little boy in my son's class died (he was also 5) but I did not attend the funeral. I had recently attended both my mother's and grandfather's within 6 weeks of each other and felt that it would not have been appropriate for me to take my grief to the little boy's funeral. However, I understand that the service part was a lovely celebration of his life that was attended by lots of people but that the crematorium part of the day was just for family and close friends.

[NoMercy]

So sorry to hear about your neighbours' son, ethandron. xx