Feeling a bit lost

[climber_chick]

I am 25 and my o/h is 13 years older. He already has a 10 year old daughter, which still after 2 years I struggle with at times. More than anything I would love to get married and have our own child and he's said he definitely wants more children and may come around to the idea of marriage, but not yet. I feel at a loss as to what to do.
I guess I feel a little bitter that his ex pestered him for a child and eventually he gave in, only to be left a few months later. It seems that she may have scared him off having children which is why he's putting it off. I don't know, I may be wrong. And perhaps I will never accept the fact he has a child? I love him so much but then every now and then I think about leaving just because i can't deal with the whole step daughter scenario.
I just don't seem to be able to get my head round my feelings about any of it. Anyone been in a similar situation or can anyone offer me any advice?

[wiggal]

Hey climber,

I am 23, my OH is 40 and has 2 children of 14 and 10.
posted a while ago regarding discipline/relationship with his kids and had some fantastic advise from ABers.

My OH wants me to be seen as being as much in charge and respected by his kids as he is when they are with us and says that when they are in our home, I am to tell them what to do if needed because I am their 'mother figure'.

We also plan to have children of our own at some point down the line, and get married.

You say you have an issue with his daughter and accepting the fact he already has a child, but being older I guess I would think that is expected in away.

I have a weird think of disliking the fact that my ex was with his kids mum for 15 years, but then I think of him not being with anyone and I would hate it, cant stand the thought of him not being happy! I also look at him with hiskids and see how happy he is when we have them, and for me that makes everything worthwhile.

[wiggal]

jaydah, sorry, I have to disagree with your last comment!

My OHs oldest was born when I was 9.. and? I would never expect him not to see his kids or have them round which seems to be what your saying! After all, his kids were there long before me!

I love my OH very much, his kids are part of his life that I choose to take on when I got with him.

I dont see it as not being fair that although I want children I have to put up with his whilst waiting!

[Rodge2]

Maybe if you concentrate on building a good relationship with his little girl, that might really help you with your feelings. When I was a kid I can remember really well the grown ups outside our immediate family who took an interest in me and were kind to me. I remember them with great affection. Maybe if you could think how the child is seeing things - her dad and mum splitup - maybe she feels insecure - trying to be a friend to her could pay didvidends later, especially when you have your own child.

[climber_chick]

Thank you all for taking the time to reply to this and for youradvice, I am going to keep trying and put it into practice! I think we need to look into our relationship too, see if that can help improve things.

Thanks again!

[NoMercy]

If you form a good relationship with his daughter, he will be more inclined to have a child with you. Start exhibiting some maternal behaviour and it may work wonders. Also, his daughter would probably love to have a good relationship with you, whether she knows it right now or not. She probably fears that you want to take her Dad away from her, so be patient with her.

[society]

"I find it harder because when she's with us she doesn't sleep til the early hours and she's nearly always got an upset stomach."

Perhaps the child senses your 'feelings' and get nervous around you, and is unable to sleep and gets upset tummy.

"She probably fears that you want to take her Dad away from her, so be patient with her. "

NoMwercy, I think you've hit the nail on the head.