Broken Trust - Update

[Ankou]

Hello all. It’s been some time. I wanted to update you but I haven’t really felt like writing (I also forgot my password for RF!) and so today I thought feck it, who cares if it’s me anyway. So we chatted long and hard, made some plans and spent a lot of time together over the weekend and all of last week. Unfortunately I didn’t manage to get away. Things were wonderful, we were honest open and things were looking good. We booked a weekend away for the 2 of us, and a family holiday for December. I bought her flowers, something nice to wear, a little card with a made up love poem and we held hands talking openly every night.

At the weekend I had a bit of a relapse, a downer, come Sunday I think the shock had caught up with me again and I withdrew into myself and began looking for more answers. I questioned and challenged, perhaps quite aggressively, but something was nagging at me. I don’t know why what or how, but just something. I went on and on. She told me that she hadn’t seen him for years. That it was nothing, just a stupid attention seeking mistake that she regrets completely. I called her a liar. There was lots of shouting, crying and anger (it had caught up with me by then). And eventually I heard more.

[NoMercy]

I should imagine Ankou probably fears being away right now, as he doesn't know whether his wife will re-establish contact with the other guy in his absence. Perfectly reasonable fear, given what has occurred recently.

[jno]

okay, I've read the earlier post. My guess is that you are in fact the jealous type - not inordinately, no more than me or millions of others, but enough that some instinct would make you check her mobile. It's part of the same self-preservation instinct that makes us check for sabre-tooth tigers behind the next rock, so it's not a bad thing to have.

Given the time scale, it occurs to me that what you have here is the seven-year itch. People do get restless that far into a relationship, when it's no longer new and exciting and they figure there's still time to start a better one. This is also not necessarily a bad thing; people do change partners, and often for the better.

But she isn't doing that. She could leave but she isn't. I think that's a fairly sound basis for working to keep your relationship going (better for the kids as well.) There'll be plenty of work to do. My own verdict would be that everyone is entitled to one stupid mistake, that it often happens around the seven-year mark, and that you'll probably be able to overcome it.

[missnemesis]

Hi ankou I'm really sorry that this has happened to you. It's a really sh!tty place to be and it's going to take a long, long time (if ever) for you to get over what she has done and because you have kiddies it is obviously a much more complicated situation ~ you are having to think about the bigger picture and not just your own hurt.

However this isn't just a bit of flirty texting, it's meet ups, it's hotel bookings. For christ's sake she took your child along, what the hell was she thinking? Unless of course the baby was a shield, an excuse why she couldn't take things further. But then again why should she need an excuse she's married and that should be all the reason she needs to stay the hell away from other men via facebook, texting or in person.

Were it my OH that would be it.....Game Over!

[Ankou]

missnem, that it might all be over has crossed my mind. Quite regularly.

umm, the relationship counselling was her idea. In my mind I think she feels I need it to help me get over this, as though she is thinking I am heading for a psychological breakdown - she has never seen me like this (funnily enough!). I have said I think she needs it to understand why she felt the need to stray in the 1st place, as she sure as hell hasn't convinced me. I think thats why I did all those things in the 1st week, as though I was making up for something I had done wrong or neglected.

The last time I felt like this was when my dad died and my previous partner of several years left me suddenly to follow her career. There one day, gone the next. Like you said ummm, its car crash stuff.

jno, you may well be right, I am jealous when she gives attention to other people (read: men), just not when she is getting it herself I suppose as we would all find that flattering. I always thought it might be me that got the 7 year itch, but nothing, nada, not even a little rash.

[ummmm]

I just wonder if the councelling is to try and take the emphasis off her and put it onto the relationship.

You done the lovey dovey stuff in case it was your fault. But it's not....while we have the ability to speak there is no excuse.

[Ankou]

ummm, that did occurr to me why she jumped so quickly to book the session. But also partly I think (maybe vain hope) she has realised her mstake, that she has broken something and is really not sure how to mend it. Nomercy is quite right about my fears in going away.

I genuinely believe she is terrified I will leave, because (perhaps rather naively, no self bravado intended) she had the best of me, and I provided for everything I thought she would ever need or want.

I have to go out now, but thanks for chatting.

[ummmm]

I wouldn't go away either. Not worth the extra stress...

I think it's pretty clear that she regrets what she's done. It's now down to you in whether you believe she's sorry because of the damage she's done, the hurt she's caused you, the trust she's shattered. Or if she doesn't want to lose the person who provides everything...

[rowanwitch]

Ankou...from your posts elsewhere on AB it is obvious you are a sensitive intelligent man and at least you had the sense not to get involved in any knee-jerk its all over stuff.... take time...and remember you won't be able to be rational about this all the time...... It may be eventually you will decide the relationship is too broken but if you have tried everything to make things work you may find it easier to start again ...and you may also find things like arrangements for children are easier to sort out... hope you can work things out though you obviously still love her even if you don't like her very much right now,
Also...so what if she is really attractive....and other people find her appealling....that's not an excuse...You seem a really lovely man and just maybe she is the lucky one here...

[beso]

Ankou, I can relate so much to where you are at as I have been through a similar experience. Sixteen years on I am still with her but the relationship was never the same again. But then what relationship would be the same after so long even without tragedies like this?

There were times when a full recovery has been within in reach (and maybe there is yet) but unfortunately her failure to fully disclose during the original revelation got in the way. Even though I told her that it would be OK if she told me absolutely everything no matter how bad, she couldn't bring herself to do it, leaving me to grapple with something that didn't make sense for years until I worked it out for myself.

She dug the hole deeper by claiming she was only trying to do what was best for me by protecting me from the worst. It took more years to convince her otherwise. This was all particularly hard when I had originally clung to the fact that she had told me everything as a big piece of rebuilding trust.

Your wife has already made a huge mistake in this regard. There is a good chance she had still not divulged the worst of it because she can barely admit it to herself. She has probably also clung to the "nothing actually happened" line far too much. Fact is she planned and began the execution of an affair and there is no reason to think she would not have gone through with it had you not uncovered it.

She needs to stop pretending it was a misdemeanor and that she would have stopped before it went too far. Unless she can do this I don't think you are going to be able to heal. She is talking counselling to "help her understand why she did it". She will be looking for reasons to externalise and justify what she did so she can avoid looking internally for the real cause.

Fact is, like many affairs, it was very probably motivated entirely by her own self indugent vanity. It takes a lot for most people to admit