ChatterBank7 mins ago
Is it him or cannabis?
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hello, i've been dumped for the 3rd time very abruptly by my partner (intelligent 42yrs) The 1st time he just stopped contacting me for 2 months, the 2nd he decided he needed time for his kids (13,16yrs) (totally understandable)and now. I've gained strength each time and turned my life around. I've gone through a divorce, got a place at university and moved house all whilst caring for my little girl to the best of my ability. He seemed to be supportive and helped me tremendously fitting curtain rails etc. He was always sending me loving messages until the day i moved. my ex husband let me down because he turned up late to pick my daughter up. When i went to my new house(late) my partner said i'd lied to him the previous night (all i did was look after my sick daughter and have a chinese takeaway with him and my brother!)i'm a very genuine person and i 100% did not lie.he stormed off and left me in the middle of moving! 3 days later he text to say our relationship was over! sad to say i'm used to it now. i asked to talk, he said no. he wouldn't tell me the lie but said it amounted to when his ex wife deceived him by having an affair! i'm gobsmacked but i refuse to be walked all over again. he got angry with me when i returned photos of us but wished me well. I told him i wanted nothing more to do with him(i do really but recognise this cycle is destroying me)he sent me an angry text back.Its been 3 weeks since we had contact. i know that he smoked cannabis regularly,(never around me or my girl) could this be the reason hes so paranoid and keeps dumping me out of the blue? i've achieved so much recently i wonder if he secretly resents me and my independence(he's a controlling man who sadly has nothing much in his life)can cannabis make people act so oddly? i'm trying to make sense of it all. Has anyone had any cannabis experiences? i guess im just looking for reassurance that its not me, it's him. please be gentle with any advice as i'm still hurting. thankyou.
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I have no idea whether it's him or cannabis (but if he chooses to smoke it, what difference does it make which it is?).
But why would you stay with someone who'd dumped you even once? To be honest, I'd say that it IS you because you keep taking him back. Please - don't do it again. People treat others badly because they can. Don't let yourself be a victim.
Sorry, that probably isn't as gentle as you want. But you can't change someone else's behaviour, only your own.
But why would you stay with someone who'd dumped you even once? To be honest, I'd say that it IS you because you keep taking him back. Please - don't do it again. People treat others badly because they can. Don't let yourself be a victim.
Sorry, that probably isn't as gentle as you want. But you can't change someone else's behaviour, only your own.
-- answer removed --
sadly I have to agree with jno, Im guessing this was the guy you used to post about?
from what I have witnessed cannabis has had a destructive affect on family life of people I have known, however this guy may already be like that without cannabis, especially if its the guy you used to write about :/
from what I have witnessed cannabis has had a destructive affect on family life of people I have known, however this guy may already be like that without cannabis, especially if its the guy you used to write about :/
As jno said, it doesn't really matter whether it's him or the cannabis, as long as he's still choosing to smoke it.
You've already acknowledged what really matters, that this cycle is destroying you, and you have already made big steps toward being stringer and independent. You already know that edning this relationship is the best thing to do.
So, don't take him back this time and stay strong. I'd also say to continue not having contact but I know it's not always that easy. At least if he's coming out with ridiculous accusations, refuse to listen to him when he is, if you know you have done nothing wrong don't pander to him.
You know you are doing the right thing, moving on without him. Best wishes to you.
You've already acknowledged what really matters, that this cycle is destroying you, and you have already made big steps toward being stringer and independent. You already know that edning this relationship is the best thing to do.
So, don't take him back this time and stay strong. I'd also say to continue not having contact but I know it's not always that easy. At least if he's coming out with ridiculous accusations, refuse to listen to him when he is, if you know you have done nothing wrong don't pander to him.
You know you are doing the right thing, moving on without him. Best wishes to you.
thankyou so very much for your answers, i genuinely appreciate them.
yes it is the guy i used to post about. Very very foolishly i fell for his 'i want you and only you' lines. i feel like punishing myself for each time i took him back. What an idiot i've been.
Although i suffer from low self esteem i'm strong enough now to realise i deserve better. My friends think he'll make contact again, but i'm not so sure. Its the first time i've said i want nothing more to do with him.
I'm not a vindictive person but i secretly do hope he realises what he's lost and suffers (that sounds horrible, im sorry)
He's put me through so much, perhaps its my time to heal and his time to hurt.
I was stupid to love him but he was the first guy after my husband left me so i guess i just craved attention.
Sometimes i think his cruel behaviour has done me a favour.
Cannabis and his controlling behaviour is destroying him and yet he cant see it. Thats sad.
I know i'm doing the right thing i guess i just wanted advice and encouragement and any insight into cannabis use from you guys and gals. thankyou so much x
yes it is the guy i used to post about. Very very foolishly i fell for his 'i want you and only you' lines. i feel like punishing myself for each time i took him back. What an idiot i've been.
Although i suffer from low self esteem i'm strong enough now to realise i deserve better. My friends think he'll make contact again, but i'm not so sure. Its the first time i've said i want nothing more to do with him.
I'm not a vindictive person but i secretly do hope he realises what he's lost and suffers (that sounds horrible, im sorry)
He's put me through so much, perhaps its my time to heal and his time to hurt.
I was stupid to love him but he was the first guy after my husband left me so i guess i just craved attention.
Sometimes i think his cruel behaviour has done me a favour.
Cannabis and his controlling behaviour is destroying him and yet he cant see it. Thats sad.
I know i'm doing the right thing i guess i just wanted advice and encouragement and any insight into cannabis use from you guys and gals. thankyou so much x
About asking 'is it the cannabis'...
I wonder if you're not secretly hoping people will say 'Oh, it's just the cannabis, he'll be all right if he stops smoking'...
so then if he promised to give up, you'd feel better about taking him back again.
I'd really advise against this. It doesn't matter whether his behaviour derives from drugs, any more than it would if he only beat you up when he was drunk. The responsibility for taking the drugs is all his, and so is the responsibility for dumping you. For the sake of your own self-esteem, just let him go. I know it won't be easy to forget him, but at least you've had a learning experience - if you learn from it.
I wonder if you're not secretly hoping people will say 'Oh, it's just the cannabis, he'll be all right if he stops smoking'...
so then if he promised to give up, you'd feel better about taking him back again.
I'd really advise against this. It doesn't matter whether his behaviour derives from drugs, any more than it would if he only beat you up when he was drunk. The responsibility for taking the drugs is all his, and so is the responsibility for dumping you. For the sake of your own self-esteem, just let him go. I know it won't be easy to forget him, but at least you've had a learning experience - if you learn from it.
Actually strangely enough i don't think i would take him back if he stopped taking it (he doesnt smoke it or eat it, i don't know what he does with it actually. I don't really understand drugs!) sad as it may sound i think he'd become massively depressed and i dont need or want that. I think the cannabis takes away the true reality of his situation in life. i.e unemployed and living in a flat with his 17yr old daughter (although he loves her he feels 'trapped' by the parent thing i think)so when he's taken it, he's actually ok (i hate to admit that) it just seems that he flips so easily. I genuinely never lied about one thing and yet somehow in his head i have! he won't tell me the story i supposedly 'spun' but admits he would have let it pass had he not worked so hard on my new house! i haven't a clue why he finished it with me because he was extremely loving just hours before.
i don't think i'll ever make sense of why i was binned.I won't take him back. i've never said quote 'i want nothing more to do with you anymore' to him,so that should get the message across. No contact is best.
its interesting for me because understanding drug abuse is part of a module i will be doing for uni. Perhaps i've had first hand experience.I'm still very grateful for all your comments xx
i don't think i'll ever make sense of why i was binned.I won't take him back. i've never said quote 'i want nothing more to do with you anymore' to him,so that should get the message across. No contact is best.
its interesting for me because understanding drug abuse is part of a module i will be doing for uni. Perhaps i've had first hand experience.I'm still very grateful for all your comments xx
People who take cannabis or other drugs always like to kid themselves that the drugs are harmless, but over time they all cause dangerous changes in personality and behaviour. You're obviously a personal who has worked very hard to make the most of your life and you can be proud of your achievements. It's hard to lose somebody you love but in such cases you need to step back and ask yourself how this person will be affecting you in one, two or five years time in terms of where you what to be, and whether this person is nurturing and supporting you or trying (unconsciously or not) to destroy everything you have worked for, and negating all your achievements.
Yes, you do deserve better. Perhaps after your marriage breakup you were more vulnerable than you realised and perhaps were subconsciously not looking for all the faults your new boyfriend had, which have now become apparent.
Be grateful that you are now sufficiently recovered and are feeling more more self confident to recognise that you were being used and being hurt and try to move on. More importantly, give yourself some personal space before embarking on another new relationship. Work out in your own mind what kind of person you want and need and feel compatible with. And until that person turns up, don't allow yourself to get too deeply dragged into another relationship., You can be strong enough to go it alone until that happens, and by doing so, you will start to feel more confident being a single person rather than just being with somebody else, no matter how terrible their faults, just because you don't have the confidence to be alone.
Yes, you do deserve better. Perhaps after your marriage breakup you were more vulnerable than you realised and perhaps were subconsciously not looking for all the faults your new boyfriend had, which have now become apparent.
Be grateful that you are now sufficiently recovered and are feeling more more self confident to recognise that you were being used and being hurt and try to move on. More importantly, give yourself some personal space before embarking on another new relationship. Work out in your own mind what kind of person you want and need and feel compatible with. And until that person turns up, don't allow yourself to get too deeply dragged into another relationship., You can be strong enough to go it alone until that happens, and by doing so, you will start to feel more confident being a single person rather than just being with somebody else, no matter how terrible their faults, just because you don't have the confidence to be alone.
gosh, i really needed to read your posts today. For some reason, hormones? whatever, i've had a a day full of sad thoughts. Jealous thoughts, bitter thoughts etc. I know it shouldn't matter but my stomach churns at the thought of him with someone else. I want to shake that feeling off! I am moving on but today i'm ashamed to say i got a little 'stuck'. I relented from contacting him though. I AM that strong. I realise i need to stop wondering what he's thinking but how can you? it's almost like a reflex sometimes. I really hope this is just a blip. i'll continue to read your posts over and over to keep me going ;)
it's natural to think of him a lot - he's been a big part of your recent life, after all. You can't stop thinking of him any more than you cans top thinking of your family or your job; these are just the things that loom largest in our lives.
What you do have to do is not act on your thoughts - that means not calling him up or contacting him. I know all this is easier said than done. In some ways it's like being an alcoholic; you just have to start afresh each day, not touching something you know does you harm. The difference though is that an alcoholic is always an alcoholic - but you will get over a bad relationship. Every day you're a little bit further away from him and nearer your own future. You just have to stick with it.
Incidentally, this is likely to feel worst around Christmas when everyone is heading for their nearest and dearest. Do you have soimething or someone lined up to keep your mind off him over the next week or two?
What you do have to do is not act on your thoughts - that means not calling him up or contacting him. I know all this is easier said than done. In some ways it's like being an alcoholic; you just have to start afresh each day, not touching something you know does you harm. The difference though is that an alcoholic is always an alcoholic - but you will get over a bad relationship. Every day you're a little bit further away from him and nearer your own future. You just have to stick with it.
Incidentally, this is likely to feel worst around Christmas when everyone is heading for their nearest and dearest. Do you have soimething or someone lined up to keep your mind off him over the next week or two?
hi, yes jno, i am very fortunate enough to have a lovely network of friends and family. I'm aware i'm without one certain person who i loved and still do. I'm smiling for everyone and by no means am i a party poop but there is sadness behind my eyes. I am intelligent enough to recognise the situation and his controlling behaviour and realise i'm far better off without him.Like whoever said, he didn't see that his cannabis habit was affecting his personality. I have a lovely little 3 year old girl who i'm determined to enjoy over Christmas. I only have to see the news to know how very lucky i am. He's no party animal, infact he only has 3 friends, but he knows i like to see my friends, and i'm pretty sure he'll know i'm out with my friends at New Year partying, he knows there will be plenty of harmless flirting and fun with men so i am apprehensive that he will know this and text me to throw a spanner in the works, if you see what i mean? You're all so great on here jno and whoever you are great. Thankyou.I hope it doesn't bug you if i post because i need support.
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