Counselling

[Oneeyedvic]

My wife (60) has some issues with her daughter.(29)

To cut a long story short, they have had a patchy relationship for the last few years which came to a head in February of last year where my step daughter asked her not to contact her again. There has been very limited contact (a few text messages, birthday cards, presents for the grandkids etc) but no 'proper' relationship.

My wife found out last month that my stepdaughter has searched for and found her birth mother (obviously my stepdaughter is adopted). Both my stepdaughter and stepson have know that they have been adopted since they have been kids and my wife has always said that she has some details about their birth parents and if either child ever wanted to know anything, she would of course support them and furnish them with the details.

She is, however really hurt as my step daughter has not even had the courtesy of telling my wife what she has done (in fact she has not even spoken to her brother about it).

Anyway, my wife is feeling very mixed up and we have talked about her talking to a counsellor - but I don't know how or where to start or the cost implications (as unfortunately we are not to well off financially).

Any advice would be gratefully appreciated.

[sara3]

most GP surgeries have a counsellor "attached" and can offer up to 6 sessions free, so that's a possible avenue.

I think the step-daughter has been in a lot of turmoil, and perhaps didn't want to upset/offend your wife by involving her with her search for her birth mother, but I agree that it's a shame that their relationship has suffered for it.

is there any possibility of your wife and her daughter talking this through?

[boxtops]

Sorry to hear of the rift in the family, OEV. We had a similar situation in my family - but no rift - where a family member learned in their mid-thirties that they were adopted, for whatever reason the adoptive feather had wanted it kept it quiet.

What does your wife want the outcome to be? How did she find out about her daughter's research? Is it too late for your wife to grasp the nettle and write to her daughter, giving her all the information she has, which might be helpful?
I'm not sure what you wife feels she should have been told this was being done, she is an adult woman looking for her roots, and perhaps felt (wrongly) that due to the rift your wife would not help, or that it would in some way be disloyal to you who brought her up. People's motives are not always clear at times like this.

Counselling can help if your wife needs someone to talk to - but rather than going privately and having to pay, would she consider ringing someone like the Samaritans? They cover a great deal more than suicidal people these days, they have skilled telephone counsellors and they don't expect payment - they are there for people in distress from all sorts of reasons. Would this be worth considering?

[Oneeyedvic]

Thanks guys for your speedy responses.

I won't bother going into the ins and outs of it - it will take far too long to explain, suffice to say that their relationship has been 'rocky' for the last 20 years, but I think that my wife talking to someone may well help her.

I will talk to our family doctor and see if they can help, if not the Samaritans may well be a good avenue to pursue.

[boxtops]

OEV - just a gentle alert - a lot of non-urgent functions in the NHS are being discouraged before April as the NHS tries to save money, I hope you don't but you may find that your family doctor can't refer (or there is a long waiting list) for the next few weeks, as there is no money for additional services in some areas. The counselling there may be free to patients but it has to be paid for somehow - it'll be an NHS contract. I hope this won't apply to you but this is to let you know just in case - the decision to refer may depend on where you live. I wish you well, and it is good to see how you are caring for your wife's well-being in this sad situation. If you feel like it, do let us know how she gets on.

[Sarjasunita]

I think counselling would be a good idea, as she is bound to turn to you for help and advice but you are part of the family and will find it very difficult to be objective. Part of you may be resentful that your wife is being affected by all this, and in turn this affects your relationship. Maybe Relate could help, I think they just ask for a donation, someone else might advise about this. I think that in the end this may all be resolved, it sounds as if the daughter suddenly had a meltdown and wanted to find her birth mother and is going through a lot of turmoil. Eventually, if your wife has been a loving mother, I think the daughter will realise this, but if not, then if she has done her best to raise this adopted child then there is nothing more she can do except leave her door open and not harbour resentment. None of us can know the hidden pain that being given up for adoption may cause, and if she can work through some of that by meeting her birth mother, it may sort a lot of that out. There is always the chance that meeting the birth mother will be a massive disappointment and she may even feel more rejected, and then she will need your wife all the more.

[bednobs]

in the area i live there is an NHS counselling service you can refer yourself to under the improving access to psychological therapies (IAPT) scheme - where abouts do you live?
Does your wife work? I am currently getting counselling through my employee assisstance program, so prehaps that might be possible for her?

[Oneeyedvic]

Thanks for the answers - we live in Great Yarmouth area so will explore all the options. Really didnt know where to start, but now got some places to try.

Really, really appreciate it