Memories of a loved one

[MTbowels]

My mother-in-law died of pancreatic cancer last weekend in hospital. She was loved dearly by all the family including me and we're missing her immensely.

The problem I have is that I'm having great difficulties remembering lots of the good times we had together and I feel as if I'm insulting her memory by remembering only part of the time I knew her. I just can't fathom out why I can't remember more of the good, funny times we had together in the 20 years I knew her.

Is this normal during grieving.

Thank you.

[ummmm]

Yes, very normal. As time passes the good times will come back to you. When someone you love dies I don't think your heart wants you to think happy thoughts straight away. It's wrapped up in grief..

So sorry for your loss xx

[milly143]

I'm not sure if it's the same but after my Grandad died I couldn't remember what he looked like. If I tried to think of him I could picture his white hair but not his face and I felt terrible. It was short lived though. Hope you're ok.

[chrissa1]

I think you will find that happy memories wll gradually be remembered as time goes on. It will take just some little thing that will trigger a memory and make you smile. I have just lost my husband so I know what you're going through. Condolences from me.

[jd_1984]

Anger and confusion are the stronger emotions when hit with greif, initially. It is a cliche, but greiving is a process, and the good memories will come to you, good luck.

[Mamyalynne]

You will in time MT, allow yourself the time to grieve and be sad for that is normal. As others have said one day you will find a smile creeps back as you recall the happy times spent.

[scotgal]

I'm so sorry for your loss but what you say is completely normal and nothing to feel guilty about whatsoever! The answer is don't try so hard............when my brothers and I lost our beloved father it was only after the funeral when we were all together that we relaxed and not only remembered things long in the past but could actually have a laugh about things and that's a release in itself. There were no recriminations just plenty of laughs, honestly, he had a good life.

[BettyNoir]

I'm sorry for you loss too. Yes it is very normal. I lost my mum to cancer, and for a long time I couldn't remember any of the happy times we shared, as my memories of her being sick and dying kept coming to the fore. Your brain is sort of in shock at the moment, and as that wears off, you will be able to think more clearly and you'll find your happy memories of her will come back by themselves.

Take Care

Betty. x

[coccinelle]

Sorry for your loss I remember your thread when she was ill in hospital. I think the first part of grieving is hindered by shock, the 'I can't believe it' and the emptiness your loved one has left behind. I've put lots of photos of my husband about the house so I won't forget his face but now 6 months on I find I can remember his face more clearly.
They say time is a healer and that's so true.

[Ankou]

all very normal part of mourning and regret. initally you focus on the bad / missed things because you are feeling remorseful. good times and memories will follow in time.

[wolf63]

Every person deals with bereavements differently - your mind is just sorting memories and emotions out just now. Don't force yourself to conform to other people's expectations of how you should feel.

My dad died about 6 years ago and my brother and I started to sort out his paperwork the day after - it kept us busy and finding all the junk that my dad had stashed away left us laughing our head off. For me and my brother that is normal - that is how we dealt with it. Just take one step at a time, baby steps if need be.

[boxtops]

You will, MT - it's part of the process, part of the shock as it were - you will remember the good times. It's very early days as yet - don't beat yourself up about it, it will get better in time. Thinking of you ♥

[what..the?]

have you and photos or home movies you could look at, if you can, it's could upset you seeing them, but it might help remind you of the good times

[paddywak]

My parents died 30 & 35 years ago and it's surprising how often something triggers a memory and brings a smile back, a song, a chance comment, a quick glimpse of something so don't worry MT you'll remember it all in time

[Dris]

Sorry for your loss -it speaks volumes that you care enough to even post.It'll all come back when you can handle it -grief affects everyone differently -go with the flow at the moment..

[whiskeryron]

All Is Well
Death is nothing at all,
I have only slipped into the next room
I am I and you are you
Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.
Call me by my old familiar name,
Speak to me in the easy way which you always used
Put no difference in your tone,
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.

[whiskeryron]

Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household world that it always was,
Let it be spoken without effect, without the trace of shadow on it.
Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same as it ever was, there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near,
Just around the corner.
All is well
.
Henry Scott Holland
1847-1918
Canon of St Paul 's Cathedral

[MTbowels]

Thank you all so much for your kind words. Sharing these feelings with you all is helping me immensely right now and I'm grateful beyond words.

This afternoon my wife and I went with our grown-up children to view the body in the undertakers Chapel Of Rest. My mother in law looked so serene lying in the coffin with no trace of the pain or anguish in her face that have plagued her since the suffering from the cancer began. She just looked asleep.

[anneasquith]

well mt. seeing her today was a good memory, never to be forgotten. take care