Abuse victim

[bagpuss63]

what can I tell a friend with an out of control just turned14 year old daughter, who since court case has been skipping school, staying out til at least midight, drinking, poss drugs and has 18 year old boyfriend? court case copper says case closed and social services told her she can't put her in care-it doesn't work like that-she's a nervous wreck-waiting up or phoning police most nights, but has 2 younger children who are upset also.She is single parent-the dad only lets the younger ones stay at his weekends-to give them a break -he isn't ignoring oldest.

[bednobs]

what can you tell her? "sucks to be you"?
on a serious note, ss don't JUST put people in care you know - they can help work on behaviour. Perhaps the local youth offending team can help?

[NOX]

If she is an abuse victim then she is following a very familiar pattern that's common with lots of abuse victims, which is to create a situation where she can take out her anger, pain and hurt on society in general and on those closest to her who she will subconsciously feel should have protected her. This will include things which can blot out pain, so drink and drugs are very common. The first thing your friend needs to do is understand that given the situaiton this is all very normal ( fraught though it may be) and that with careful help it can be addressed. Social services are quite right she can't just 'put her in care' and whyever would she want to this is her child, who is suffering and needs support? Social services can however arrange other things to help, therapy, counselling etc.
The first thing that needs to happen is that dialogue needs to be opened up and the talking needs to be honest, it's no good glossing over what happened and thinking that it's better buried befause this is rarely the case. There are I believe family counselling sessions and it's vital this is addressed as not addressing it cna lead to a lifetime of trouble hurt and dysfunction. I'm speaking form first hand experience, I screwed my life up because no-one helped me to deal with the way I was feeling after my father physically abused me and my mother turned a blind eye and it took me into my 30's to regain anything of myself ( thanks to my then wife). I would hate to see this happen to this young girl, so please advise your friend to help her and not to simply try to find a way of normalizing her straight away because that really won't happen and she'sll just feel more and more isolated.

[bagpuss63]

Thanks nox-I'll tell her, I hope she doesn;t read this as very touchy due to lack of sleep, but she can't go on like this with younger ones, and your answer would help, so might show her this further down the line.