How can we locate my husband's mother?

[Big Jenny]

My husband's mother is 99 years old, and seems to have disappeared off the face of the earth. We live 150 miles away from her, and don't have a car, so we don't visit her very often. However, we have always kept in regular touch by 'phone and letters, cards etc. We didn't get a Christmas card last year, so tried to 'phone her repeatedly. In the end, we got a very brief call back from her - she had been in hospital for three weeks (without letting us know), but had just come home and was very tired, so she said she would 'phone back when she felt a bit better. That was the last we heard from her. We have written and 'phoned loads of times, but her 'phone isn't answered and no reply to the letters. Her daughter lives near her, but my husband and his sister hate one another and wont communicate. He has written to his sister, asking for an update of his Mum's whereabouts and health, but she hasn't answered. I 'phoned Social Services for that area on Monday, and they said they would look into it and ring me back. They rang back today to say that they could give us no information under the Data Protection Act. They wouldn't even tell us whether she was alive or dead!

Does anyone have any suggestions as to what our next move should be? Surely my husband is entitled to know where his mother is, or if she is still alive. There would be little point in making the trip to her area if she is no longer living at home, and a trawl around every nursing home in the district would take forever. They may be bound by this Data Protection business too, and probably wouldn't tell us anything even if we happened upon the right nursing home or hospital. We are at a complete loss what to do next.

BJ

[welshlibranr]

shame that your husband is so against using the police, they would certainly try to help, but all you can do really is leave it to him, it's his mum after all!............hope you can find out where she is!.............she may have some dementia at that age, which will affect her thinking, and the way in which her daughter can affect her decisions, this is always a big factor with folk of this age!.........hope you can find her!...............

[DaisyNonna]

Why not just get on a train yourself?

[Big Jenny]

Maidup, I just tried your suggestion and googled her full name, but I got no results. Perhaps that tells us that she is still alive.

The Salvation Army sounds a very good idea, and I will follow that up tomorrow.

Grasscarp, I couldn't agree more. Nothing on earth would stop me from going to see my mother, but sadly my husband hasn't got the same close relationship with his mum as I have with mine. There have been a few ups and downs between them over the years, and there have been many times when he has said he is not going to see her any more. However, they had started to build bridges during the last year, and he is now feeling that, at her age, it is not worth arguing and falling-out any more. He feels that his sister, who is on the spot and almost certainly knows mum-in-law's present circumstances, should have let him know if she has been taken ill, gone into a home, or died. I think a lot of his stubbornness about going down there is due to his anger with his sister, and they way she is keeping information from him and ignoring his letters.

BJ

[grasscarp]

I had not got on with my father for a few years - long story - but once he was bed ridden I was one about the only one of my many brothers and sisters who visited him anything like regularly in the last few years of his life. I wasnt seeking anything and it was feeling sorry for him in the beginning but as I sat there cutting his nails and chatting with him every week I got to know him better than any time in the previous 90 years. No regrets and he finally went somewhere better at the beginning of last year.

[Big Jenny]

Glad things worked out in the end with you and your father, Grasscarp. I think this sometimes happens when parents and children have been estranged for a number of years. When the "child" realises that their mother/father isn't going to be around much longer, they come round to thinking that it would be better to try and rescue the relationship a bit, before it's too late. I think this is how my husband has felt over the last year or so, and progress was being made (as long as his sister wasn't discussed) up to December of last year. Sadly, I fear that mum-in-law has become ill, or is perhaps suffering some kind of dementia, and this has given sister-in-law an ideal opportunity to influence her against her son. He hasn't been the perfect son, 'tis true, but his mother must have some feelings for him and I find it hard to believe that she would willingly cut him off.

I will continue to explore all the suggestions for finding her. If I succeed, it might turn out that she really doesn't want to be found, but I'll have made the effort.

BJ

[welshlibranr]

Yes BJ, keep trying!..................mothers rarely shut out their sons willingly!......