I feel like shutting my mother out of my life - but it feels wrong too!

[Bluebird2]

My mother just did a horrible thing to me and I can't get beyond it. A relative died, she didn't tell me but went to the funeral with my other family members (that no longer speak to me). When I asked her why she didn't inform me about the death she said she 'forgot'.
She hardly ever calls me. If I call her she clearly isn't listening (I can hear her flicking through the pages of a magazine or paper she is reading). She clearly isn't interested in me as a daughter, my daughter (her first granddaughter) or her great granddaughter. Anyone been in this/similar situation?

[milly143]

If you feel you've made the effort and it's got you nowhere then I would just stop contacting her. Leave it up to her. I'm very much of the opinion that just because someone gave birth to you, it doesn't mean you will automatically get along.

[Old_Geezer]

You obviously would prefer a closer relationship, but it takes two, and I don't advise doing all the running. Why not ease off ? She'll be in touch when she wants to strengthen the relationship, and if she doesn't, well you are unlikely to change that.

[Ratty2E]

Has she always been like this or is it a rescent thing? Does she have any other children and is she the same with them? Personally I agree with milly that just because people are family it does'nt mean you have to bend over backwards to accomodate their behavour. In my book you only get the respect you have earnt.
If she has always been this way and it is upsetting you so much, I would back off and let her make the contact if she wants it. Firstly though I would maybe write to her (less emotional) and explain how she's making you feel. Tell her that the funeral business was the final straw and you don't feel it is beneficial to your own well being to continue contact with her unless she makes more of an effort. Then leave it up to her, if she doesn't contact you then it's her loss. As has been said you won't change how she behaves if she doesn't want to change.
Just one last thing, as you mention a great granddaughter I assume she is getting on in years. If this apathy towards you and forgetting things is a recent thing then it might be an early sign of dementia, and needsto be handled in a totally different way altogether.
If you think this could be the case then it might be an idea to talk to your doctor about what you should do next.

[ummmm]

Yep....don't make contact with my Mother at all. I see her if we happen to be in the same place...like visiting my grand parents. There's no tension when we see each other....but that's because she doesn't know what she's done wrong, and I'm not into making people feel awkward.

To me now...she's just my mother...someone who did a pretty good job bringing me up for the first 10 years of my life. My Nan and Dad can have the credit for the rest...

Family is important to me but when it comes to the crunch...they are just people...they can be replaced with people who care.

[what..the?]

i've been in a similar situation after growing up with parents that had no time for me and also got abusive mainly mentally but sometimes physically too. I know I had a disablied brother growing up and he required alot of attention but some of the things they put on me was def not needed, even when my dad hurt me on two occasions I didn't tell anyone about it and when the school asked where the bruses were from I said my other brother, this was all the help my family stay together because my parents lived for my other disabled brother and he was better at home with my parents than in care, they didn't abuse him. Into adult life I went to uni and tried never to go back home if ever it was to see my disabled brother who didn't understand where I was. When my disbaled brother died after a year of hospital treatment I rushed to my family home upset about my loss and in the back of my mind thinking I might be excepted now into the family that I might get the love I never had , wrong, when I got there alone and without transport my mother decided to tell me I never loved him and didnt care ( I had been up every weekend to the hospital 6 hours drive each way) is said I might as well leave, so I did, my mother then told the whole family some story about me being in the wrong and saying bad things. At that point I left the nest for good, couldn't even go to my own brothers funeral because of what people were told by my mother. I have vowed to myself to never contact my parents, my mother wrote a couple of letter saying hurtful things and getting my other brother to post it so it looked like his words as well. My life is quite empty now I have my bf and his family and a some people a know, but my parents made my life develop so I didn't have friends, and the abuse caused lack of confidence as I was warn down daily. It has now been a good few years since any contact with my parents and my life is improving along with my confidence. If I had stayed in contact my life wo

[what..the?]

would be in the gutter. My parents were strongly religious and regular church attendees there was no easy way to get people to believe my side of the story, so it was best to move on and end the relationship that never really was anything but a nightmare. I'm just starting to breath the fresh air life has to offer.

[Bluebird2]

Hi all, Thanks for your responses.

Rattyratgirl - My mother started behaving like this when I hit my late teens (I'm 50). We were always extremely close before that and I have no idea what happened to make her change.
I do have siblings 2 bros, 1 sis, she doesn't treat them this way - at all! She is very close to my sister and sees her several times a week. I have to wait weeks before she can fit me in. She has never shown interest in my daughter since she was a baby but my sisters daughter can do no wrong. My brothers have boys and they are doted on.
I just feel that she is not treating us all fairly and I just wish I knew what I had done that was so wrong! I think that's what bothers me the most. I have asked what I did that was so wrong and she just says 'nothing' and that there's isn't anything wrong but that she simply 'doesn't have the time'. She is retired now and could spare more time but doesn't she is always with my sister and brothers. We all live within a mile of each other so distance isn't the problem.
This isn't Dementia, she remembers to fill me in on the smallest details of what is happening in the family, events, parties etc.

[Ratty2E]

If it's been going on that long and you have tried to get her to talk about it, then I think you need to make the break. The situation is clearly making you unhappy and has gone on for far too long already. If you treat her with the same coldness that she's shown you then maybe it might make her reconsider her behaviour. Mother or not you don't need to be treated this way, it's a form of bullying and if you avoid contact with her unless it's absolutely necessary then she can't do it.

[puzzled54]

I think I would tell her that if she can't treat you and your family in the same way as she treats your siblings and their families, then you would like to know why. If she hasn't got time for you, then that is her problem.
Does it have anything to do with why the rest of the family don't speak to you?

[sara3]

weigh this up.. if she died, would you feel that you'd done your best/the right thing?

I'm not judging you. I have a very fragile relationship with my mother and I know how painful it can be.

[joko]

so she hardly ever calls or speaks to you - yet she fills you in on every little detail of parties etc...?

sounds like you may never get on...but just be careful of your own actions and your own 'version' of the situation

i have spoken to many people with a very biased view of their situation and seemingly oblivious that the problem lies more with their own behaviour and unreasonable expectations...

i am not saying thats you...but just to check youself realistically too...

[Bluebird2]

Thank you all for your responses. My mother heard that she had upset me and came to see me and we talked. I explained how she has made me feel for years and how it seems that she 'just isn't interested' in me and my family and the fact that she makes me feel like a layabout/underachiever. I work full time, have several qualifications and a lovely home and know that's not the case, but it doesn't stop her comments hurting.
Puzzled54 - The rest of my family cut me off just over a year ago. It's a long story but the problem began when my daughter entered into a relationship with a laybout who we later discovered was a 'suspected' child abuser. Right or wrong I didn't like him or the way my daughter behaved with him in front of my granddaughter. She became openly vulgar and down right graphic about her 'sexual exploits', with this man. At one family gathering (at my house) I suggested she leave because she was so embarrasing. It caused an almight row and spoilt the night. A few weeks after this my sister and niece started feeding me information about my daughter's partner (from his ex-wife) which increased my concerns. He was a 'suspected' child abuser! My granddaughter, who was a vibrant, happy loving girl, had become very withdrawn within months of him moving in with my daughter. Several members of the family noticed the change in her and as I worked for Social Care I spoke to a colleague who recommended 'I make that call'. My sister agreed it was the right thing to do too! I agonised over it for weeks but eventually went ahead when my granddaughter indicated she was being left alone a with this man. Naturally my daughter was livid and didn't speak to me for weeks, which was very painful but I didn't expect any less - I had to protect my granddaughter! It's taken time but my daughter and I are now close again. Her relationship ended over a year ago and he moved on to another women with 5 children. I recently heard that he is being investigated again.
Be

[Bluebird2]

Because I made that call the family changed. At the last gathering I went to my daughter was 'excluded'. They gave a pathetic excuse and I was hurt. I then overheard her talking to my sister-in-law at that family gathering about me and what I had done etc I was gobsmacked by her two-faced attitude - but I said nothing to her. I kept quiet. I went outside for a cigarette and my brother came out and had a go. I just told him that I was 'hurt' by my daughter's exclusion. I finished my cigarette and left the gathering. It was clear that there would be another row if I didn't. I tend to speak my mind and despise injustice. My brother and sister have not spoken to me and won't have anything to do with me, since that night just over a year ago.
On the rare ocassions that she has called mum tells me about the 'gatherings, outings, etc (It can't be easy for her to just hide these things) and it all hurts because we are excluded. I feel that my sister has 'stirred' a lot of the trouble and not taken her share of the responsibility for it.
However, I explained to mum that a family members death is a totally different thing. I had the right to go to the funeral ceremony and that because of my brother and sister's attitude towards me I would't have gone on the the wake - if indeed invited. She agreed that it was wrong and that she should have told me. We talked further about how she has made me feel over the years and I honestly believe that she finally 'understands'.
I told her that I didn't want to hurt her by telling these things and I think she understood that and we had the best conversation that we have had in years. The next day she phoned me and asked me if I would like to go for a walk. She brought me flowers to apologise, saying that she felt really bad about how she had behaved towards me and my daughter and granddaughter. I don't want her to telephone every day or visit several times a week. I just want to 'feel' that she cares.

[Bluebird2]

All we can do is build on what we have achieved. Talking has helped and I am grateful that she actually listened this time. I hope any other daughter out there who has read this tries to 'talk' to their mother's before just giving up. It really helps to get it of your chest - with the person it involves'.
That said, if I am exluded 'by my mother' again - I won't go back for more!

[marian]

any