Am I being unreasonable

[puddle-duck]

I've been with my fiancee for nearly 5 years. We don't live together.
The problem is that his house needs a lot of work done. I've offered to help as has his mum but he won't take anyone up on their offer of help.
He keeps me at arms length, I've been in his house once in our time together. Anytime he has a hol from work he shuts himself away in his house & it's a battle to get him to spend any time with me.
We can't set a date to get wed or make plans to move in together as his house is an obstacle in the way.
Over the years my frustration has turned to anger & we argue a lot. He says the reason as to why he doesn't tidy his house is my moods get him down, but his house was like this for 6 years before we met. 6 weeks ago I ended the relationship, he says it's all my fault.
Am I in the wrong, should I sit patiently & wait or have I done the right thing?

[ladyalex]

I think you have done the right thing. But I don't think you should be sitting and waiting for anything. I think you should be getting out and about , finding a new man who will treat you as you deserve...ie a lot better.

[ljdksa]

You've obviously had enough and have let him know the reasons. He seems to be stringing you along and I wonder whether he's using it as an excuse? Doesn't sound as if you're being unreasonable to me.

[Count-A-Strong]

Sounds as though he needs some
Expert medical help. That's not your job. Well done for making the break

[woofgang]

I wonder why you waited 5 years.....

[boxtops]

Is there something in his house that he doesn't want you to see? It doesn't add up to me. It really doesn't - could he have been spending his hols in his house with someone else?
On the other hand, I know what it's like to have a house with too much stuff in it, and all sorts of problems - you don't know where to start, and you don't want anyone to help either. He sounds - sadly - like he's his own worst enemy in this.
I think you have done right to finish it - get on with your life, hard though it will be at first.

[welshlibranr]

Although it's very sad that you have parted, I don't think he would have ever changed!....you did the right thing, you need to move on with your life!.......he doesn't want to move on with his!........his problem!...................

[ummmm]

Could you imagine how bad things would be if you did live with him..? You would have split years ago...

[puddle-duck]

Thanks for the answers guys guess I just needed to hear it from others.
Boxtops his house is messy & he's embarrassed by it, he won't even let any of his family in, he's been known to keep his own mum standing at the door.
I don't think he is seeing someone else but agree that he is his own worst enemy.

[DTCwordfan]

Sounds like you are best out of there - what is he hiding? I hate to think.

There are plenty of drakes out there so go forth and quack to them vociferously and strut your plumage!

[karenmac60]

I know a guy who is a 'hoarder'. His house is a complete mess and he won't let anyone in. Twice the council have had to 'decant' him to other properties (because of building work) and twice they have cleared the house, but it is back to the same state again. He is also a bit of a recluse and has never had a relationship in all the years I've known him. He appears to have emotional problems - I don't know if he has ever been diagnosed with anything or is getting any sort of treatment, but it seems to be a mental health issue. Your ex sounds exactly like him. I don't think there is anything you could've done. He sounds like he needs help.

[ladyalex]

Having read your last post, I think the Count has it right. He needs professional help.
He sounds like one of those compulsive hoarders who fill entire houses with stuff they cannot bear to throw out.

I think you've had a narrow escape.
Good luck with the rest of your life. After 5 years of this, you deserve it.

[askyourgran]

You've done the right thing, he's a slob. Can you imagine what it would be like if you married him. He wouldn't get around to do anything for you. He's a loser.
Norman Bates springs to mind boxy.

[DaisyNonna]

Had a relation like this. He eventually retreated to live in one room, his bedroom.
Eventually it became apparent that he was seriously ill but was too proud to ask for help. I lived 200 miles away. When I visited he refused to let me help. His girl friend treated him very badly. You have a battle on your hands. He knows that the house is his responsibility but cannot cope. Good Luck.

[hy-mabel]

His time is up! Try and think about what YOU want.

[joko]

its not fair to just dismiss him as a slob etc until you know the situation and his reasons.
is he merely untidy or does he hoard garbage or pile newpaers up etc?
is the place dirty?
is the mess made up of pizza boxes and wrappers or of clothes, books, etc?

i am pretty untidy - no to this guys extent by the sounds of it, my house is not dirty, there is just a lot of stuff in it, and its not garbage or papers or stuff like that

my house is full of stuff because of my job - props, sets, costumes etc and lots of fabric, paints etc and i have just kept a lot of it

personally i would like it all gone and have no emotional attachment to it at all - id love it all to be stored in a shed or something.
i just use a lot of it for work and it saves me a lot of time and money by keeping it.
i keep things because i know i can make something out of it or it can be tranformed etc
the amount of times i have binned something only to get a script which feature exactly that and have to waste numerous hours searching for stuff again.
its been described as a grotto or alladins cave
there is method in my madness i suppose haha

the problem lies in the organisation...keeping it out of the living areas etc, is quite hard....and i know how you can feel a bit like you are fighting a bit of an uphil struggle - in my downstairs 'prop rooms' and the attic room have become a dumping ground and is beginning to spill into the halls etc.

it is easy to kind of ignore it and give up a bit...but you can't or it will take over

what is his situation puddle duck?

[puddle-duck]

Thanks everyone for your answers
Joko the one time I was in his house it wasn't dirty just a lot of clutter ie..books, clothes, magazines, computer parts etc. It certainly wasn't like you see on "a life of grime". I think his problem is laziness, lack of motivation that sort of thing. He needs new windows & a new boiler, central heating but before he can get anyone in to do the work he needs to tidy up & this was what the hold up was.
I think Ljdksa has hit the nail on the head saying he was using it as an excuse. I got to the stage where I was starting to think the same.

[scotman]

From what you have posted it seems to me that you have done the right thing.

[Brinjal]

Thats not a relationship. Thats plain weird. He definitley sounds as if he has some mental issue. You can only do so much. Move on and have a proper relationship.

[puddle-duck]

Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply. We have had some contact over the past few weeks, but sadly he is still seeing me as the one at fault. My daughters father who I haven't been with for years has recently been in contact saying that he realises that i'm a good woman and that he regrets letting me go. It's true what they say one door closes and another one opens. I'm just going to take time out and get myself together, who knows what'll happen, but the world is my oyster. Thanks everyone, I appreciate it. xx