Adopted at birth (well just after) - should I meet up with my birth mother?

[Halifaxmum]

Hello my AB friends

I've been emailing with my birth mother for a couple of months now - it's been polite, especially careful on my part, as I don't want to do anything to put her off!

She's now asking if I'm ready to meet, as she would like to. She talks in her emails in a matter of fact way, little emotion, just very factual. She seems quite strong and hard hearted and has had a very successful life in business.

I would like to, but I'm so nervous that I'll be a disappointment to her that I'm struggling to decide. I'm a very emotional person (probably a bit of a flump-up tbh!), unfortunately am unemployed at the mo and I have 2 kids who I love more than anything. I'm overweight, not a blob, but well insulated! I have alopecia and other health issues that make me shy and quite insular.

Should I bite the bullet and meet her? Or do I wait til I feel ready and confident? That could never happen!

Thanks in advance - please be gentle with me! x

[sandyRoe]

I think you should meet with her. Try to keep the first meeting fairly short, maybe an hour or less.
About this time last year I met a sister I never knew I had. She was the second of 4 children and the only one to be given up for adoption.

[anneasquith]

im sure as your mother she will be more interested in YOU rather than the fact you feel overweight, but only do it if and when it suits you. good luck

[PurpleParis]

Hi Halifaxmum, you already know the answer to that.....you are already admitting that you won't ever feel confident enough.....I would not possibly tell you what to do, you must make that decision yourself. I can only speak from experience....I am not adopted (although my Dad keeps saying I was, but I look too much like him!) but I helped my sister in law find her birth mother, I went with her to meet up for the first time, they were OK for a while but the truth of it is, they just didn't get on....now the good thing is that the birth mum went on to marry the father and have two more children, she still gets on very well with her dad and brothers though.....you are good enough Halifax.........and to be honest it does not matter what you look like, have etc....if she has aked then she must want to see you.....good luck xx

[pusskin]

Hiya Halifaxmum, pluck up courage and make a date to meet her, because tomorrow may be too late!!! good luck --let us know how it goes. (you'll be fine on the day)

[wolf63]

No matter how hard and unemotional your mother seems I am sure that she will still be nervous and the prospect of meeting you.

You might find that you have much in common - and you might find that you like each other. If you don't meet up with her you will never know what could have been.

[boxtops]

Have you exchanged photos. halifaxmum? so you'll know what you both look like?
Don't forget she's probably just as nervous at meeting you....!

[dotty.]

You breathe the same air and walk under the same sun, you can't know hoq she will be until you meet her, and you have to meet her, you'll never lose that doubt until you do

[boxtops]

..and possibly, nor will she....

[cathfromsaron]

why not explain to here that you have these issues, and she might say she has similar/other worries. obv there are many things that can go right and wrong, but i feel (if it were me) it would be better to bite the bullet and discover what role she may play in your future sooner, rather than later. xx

[Halifaxmum]

Thank you all for your lovely replies - I think I may have to stop hiding behind my own insecurities and be brave.

Boxy - we agreed to swap pictures - I sent her 2 - one of my & my son (her grandson) and one of me & my daughter (her g-daughter). She has not sent one back, even though I have suggested it a couple of times. What does this mean? When she saw mine, she said the kids looked happy but no comment on me.

[chrissa1]

My late husband was adopted in 1950. In the 80's we found her. He met her and she came to stay with us in Northern Ireland where lived at that time. We found out that she later married his natural father and they had 2 daughters, his natural sisters.
She was a lovely lady and told him that there had never been a day that she hadn't thought about him.
Sadly, his natural father didn't want to get to know my husband and so when we moved back to England, she ceased all contact with him and us and we never heard from her again.
When he died in February of this year, I managed to contact his sister who told me that they had moved to Spain and because her husband ruled her life completely she couldn't be contacted by e mail as he controlled the computer and also collected the post every day. Again, I've not had a condolence card even.

That said, he never regretted finding her but he did feel deep down that he had been abandoned again.

I do think you should meet her though and I think our experience is very unusual. Good luck and Do It.

[dotty.]

Bet she wept when she saw those pics, bet she has regretted every day she's not been apart of your life, give her the chance to be a part of it now

[sherrardk]

Hi - have you considered that she may turn out to be a disappointment to you? You have a loving family and are obviously very proud of your kids. She might feel that she has lost out on that part of life and even be jealous of that bond that you have. Hope it all goes the way you would like, x.

[lindapinda]

Hali mum...i've been around all this personally and professionally,in various ways. You sound like such a lovely person who is trying to put everyone else's needs above her own. However..you are "the child" here now!...I presume you" met "your mum through either an agency or social services,please use them for help in trying to mediate what comes next,or if you are having problems. i think you need to have a chat with someone who could help you with what to expect from your meeting maybe.

[divegirl]

Hi, I have no experience here but wanted to add....you are not un-employed you are a Mum....the most important job there is for you and your kids.
Arrange a meeting, put on the out fit that makes you feel the best about your self, have a friend help with your hair and go for it.
IMO she is the one with something to prove...not you. Good luck

Lisa x

[chrissy847]

yes,go..................and good luck

[Sir Alec]

I would want to meet her. If it doesn't work out at least you tried and you will be no worse off for not having her in yours and your childrens' lives.

[Halifaxmum]

Thank you all.

I've replied to her today saying I will meet her...just waiting to hear now...*chewing nails down to the skin*