Mother in Law problems - please help

[Leah Reeve]

I need some serious advice.  My MIL is 70 - her husband hung himself five years ago.  He thought he had cancer and was trying to spare us the pain of watching him die.  MIL was always a very strong person but she has become this rather pathetic, needy and sneaky person.  She is very resentful that we have lives and she will not (not cannot) make her own.  She is very attention seeking and self-pitying and it's driving me crazy.  She acts like the matriarch - everyone has to visit/phone/invite her round and she never returns the favours.  Today she threatened to top herself - my husband hadn't phoned her for four days (he's been away but that is seemingly irrelevant!) and I am quite, quite furious with her.

Should I just ignore all this nonsense?  I tried talking to her - she just cries and gives you the woe is me c***.  I hope I don't sound hard-hearted but I have had enough.  Any advice would be welcome - an no she never had councelling.  She refused it.

Ps I am normally a very nice, kind and forgiving person!

[andy hughes]

This must be very difficult for you Leah Reeve and you have my sincere sympathy.

People of this age really do have a second childhood, as you arre finding out - the hard way!

It sounds as though your MIL has not really assimilated her husband's death, and probably feels she is somehow responsibile, which is a common reaction to the suicide of a loved one.

I appreciate that her behaviour seems manipulative, and attention-seeking, which it is, but if you look below the surface, she is trying to get some attention, and is being dramatic if she feels it is not forthcoming. This kind of 'control' - expecting people to call and visit is typical of an insecure personality - as is the utterly OTT reaction she exhibits when she feels her demands for attention may be ignored.

What to do? You have to be polite but firm with her. make sure you establish a regular pattern of contact, either by phone, or in person, and stick to it. This will give your MIL the security she craves. If she 'plays up', ignore her, as you would a child - she'll soon stop!

The other way is to try and get her to talk about her loss, and see if she can learn to express her feelings by talking them through, rather than burying them under this barage of security she hammers you all with.

A combination of sympathy and firmness will yied results, and hopefully prevent your perfectly justified resentment from getting to the blow-up stage.

Good luck!

[Robinia]

Andy & In a Pickle have given you excellent replies but can I just add that your MIL sounds understandably very depressed & might benefit from some help from her GP.  Do you think she would go to see him/ her?  You say that she was a strong person before so you could tell her that you'd like to see her feeling happier. I realise that things are never going to be the same but at 70 she could have many years ahead of her & in order to improve her present way of thinking it will probably mean seeking professional help. 

 All the best.

[Leah Reeve]

Guys, thank you SO VERY MUCH.  I will try talking to her and hubby again.  in fact, I may show him this site.  He'll be furious with me, (they are a family that most definitely DONT talk) but at least I care enough to try and do something about it.  I wish she would see her GP but unfortunately, it was the medical system that failed my FIL which is why he felt he had to do what he did so, quite understandably,she doesn't trust them.  My hub has suggested to his brother and sister that they get together and TALK to her.  Do you think I should push this.  I've been saying it for years but do you agree???

[Robinia]

Leah I do feel for you, my own mum was a very stubborn woman & I used to get exasperated trying to get help or encourage her to help herself.

It's so hard to advise you to go ahead with a family gathering as she may well look on it as ganging up on her.  Is there one of you that she listens to better than the others? It's often the way in families that one person is better at the practical & another is better at talking.  You might be better having a get together without MIL to decide who is going to be the 'spokesperson'.  I'm sorry that she doesn't trust the medics, again I have experience of being let down, but there are some excellent ones out there.

It's a nightmare trying to deal with someone who's unable to see their own problems & continually battle any offers of support.  I'm so sorry I don't feel I've been much help but I can sympathise & wish you all well.

[34ponytail]

I can greatly sympathise with you.  I have a demanding attention seeking mother-in-law .  She has a very kind nature,presents,nice meals but I feel she forgets that I am her son's wife.  My husband is obliged to e-mail daily, one letter per week, 1 hourly phonecall - must be on the weekend as all hell breaks loose- tried not doing it once.  When I go out 1-2 times a week he has usually phoned her.  It really gets me down - I do try to not let it get to me but it is hard.  His mother has always been used to getting her own way in life.  His sister has to conform to the mother - regular  trips to her and the same contact to that of my husband.  Maybe one day things will improve.  Take my advice and try to ignore this else you get eaten away with frustration anger and eventually very bittered.