help, one liners needed

[saintpeter48]

i'm doing a 'this is your life' spoof on a friend and need some one liners please, things like, i wouldn't say that it was a rough estate but ..... or i would say that she was fat but ....... good old one liners, thanks in advance.

[vulcan]

As a child he didn't have many toys, when he had the measles his mother gave him a pen to join the dots

[stocksman]

All his clothes were 'hand-me-downs', but they looked better on his sister.

[bookbinder]

I wouldn't say that he was fat, but you need a road map to find your way from one side of him to the other.

[chelseaosgood]

When i was born, i was so ugly the midwife slapped my dad.
I was brought up in a rough estate, my dad was a rear gunner on a milk float.
I dont think my parents liked me, they made me play out the back with our pit bulls with a pork chop tied round my neck and they told me never to take a lift off a stranger unless they offered me sweeties.

[weecalf]

The house was so cold my granny used suck victory vs and we sat round he tongue warming our hands