Friend pushing me out of comfort zone. What do I do?

[Lov3shy]

I have a situation going on with one of my friends who's basically trying to get me out my comfort zone to try to increase my chances of getting a boyfriend. We were both speaking yesterday on Facebook and she said her friend and herself didn't think that I would hold hands or kiss a guy in public because they believe I lack the confidence to do that. Little does she know that I would be fine doing that because, assuming this would be a boyfriend, I would be comfortable with them (I have openly flirted with gay guy friends in public may I add, just not in her presence. NB: I'm not very comfortable around her anyway because she's controlling and very different to me).

This Friday, she plans on going out for a meal and I'm fine with that, it's the part after that I'm not looking forward to — going out to a gay club because she believes I need to get out of my shell more and that this is THE way to meet guys and THE way to get a boyfriend, which I completely disagree with. I've never been to a club before and, as you may imagine, I'm not the clubbing type. I would rather meet guys properly who are more likely to be sober and who are more serious (I envision that the guys there are only up for a one night stand. My friend even said that I could pull and end up sleeping with a guy, making it out to be a good thing). She will be there with some of her friends (most of whom I do not know) but I know one of them and will, apparently, look after me. I said that I would try to communicate with people but she said that I will communicate with people, saying it as if it must happen.

As I've said, this would be out of my comfort zone and I'm sure that she's doing this for two reasons: 1) To try to get me 'out there' more (I'm more of an introverted person) and 2) to try to get me a guy (a drunken one who wants a one night stand most likely?). I don't actually have any ID yet her friend insists that I'll still be able to get in. I'm not so sure. Even though this is a situation out of my comfort zone, I am (sort of) up for it as I imagine that I would only do this once in the near future (assuming I get in), but a part of me says that this is wrong (out of my comfort zone, unlikely to find myself the sort of guy I'm after etc.). Just note that I am quite shy around strangers (sometimes anyway) and that I do want to get out of my shell, but I don't think this is the way for me to do it considering it's putting me right in the deep end.

What do you think of this situation and what do you think I should do? Any help and advice would be appreciated. Thanks in advance.

[starone]

Yes it was, Johnk - great wasn't it! like your description 'wopped the French' - lovely.

[Quassia]

Give it a try. Have a drink before you go. You'll know who's right for you and who isn't .. surprising what body language & coversation with someone can tell us about that person without the other person realising.

[rowanwitch]

Look on line for a group for young gays rather than hitting the club scene it can be a real meat market,, and you don't sound ready and certainly not ready to go with a group of females... I wonder if they just want to use you as an excuse to go and gawp... I'd try meeting a few guys your own age through the small ads in the gay press... not with a view to finding a partner but just to widen your circle and make friends taking the pressure off yourself . friends of the opp sex can be a bit of a problem when you are gay as they very rarely get just how difficult it is even today.. good luck

[starone]

Are the girls lesbians? It may be a mixed gay bar.

[rowanwitch]

Quite often young straight girls like to have a gay male friend its seen as a bit of a social plus....I blame the sitcoms myself

[Quassia]

& who knows Lov3shy ... if 'you' are being pushed out of your comfort zone & thinking.. this isn't the kind of place I envisage meeting my soulmate ... there's may be others in exactly the same scenario being pushed out of theirs & thinking exactly the same thing!

[rowanwitch]

Trigs I know you haven't emerged from your gaming world for a while .... was that what was on last time you looked..?

[Lov3shy]

The friend I'm referring to (the pushy one) is straight and she already likes another guy, but her friend (who is a gay male, not my type boyfriend-wise though) is the one who will be 'looking after' me.

The only places I've found gay/bi guys so far is online, there are a few who live relatively nearby but still too far away if I was to be with them (travel costs, not having enough time seeing each other). I don't know many gay/bi guys in person and I'm assuming she wants me to widen that circle of gay friends by going to this gay club. I'm sure her intentions are good (for the most part) but it's not my ideal place yet I'll give it a try.

[starone]

Let us know how you get on lov3shy - whether you liked it - would you go again - did you make any new friends. You are right about long distance love - you need to have someone near so that you can see them frequently. Even live with them eventually, but take it slowly.

[brenda]

If I were you , and I am not, I would not go. I couldn't bear to spend a second with someone who is set to organise my life. Relationships happen , often when least expected , and engineering them can befraught with failure and disappointment.
Live your life as you want , you only get one chance , it is not a dress rehearsal.
Good luck

[Lov3shy]

We didn't end up going to a club in the end, I didn't think we would but I had a good time regardless. Thank you very much for all of your advice and support, it was very helpful :)

[Bobbisox]

I am pleased you had a good time Lov xxx

[joko]

i would message her on facebook and justr tell her how you feel - in a nice way...that way she cannot shout you down, argue you out of it, make you feel silly, and talk over you...

some people always champion speaking face to face or on phone on issues, and consider any other way a cop out or sneaky and weak - but thats utter nonsense and frankly i htink it depends on the perosn an situation - sometimes you cant get a word in edgeways and it descends into a row with people just being nasty - and solves nothing ...with a well thought out considered letter you say all you need and lets her consider your feelings without losing temper...