Step Families - Advice Needed Please

[kat2206]

My OH youngest daughter hates me (with a passion). She doesnt live with us but is going to my OH brothers house at the weekend to spend a few days with him, she has asked if my OH can go up for the day and see her, he has asked me to take the day off and go with him as he would like me to be there too, knwoing full well what she thinks of but (in his words) she's got to get over it that we are together, have been for 6 years and she isnt going to split us up no matter how hard she tries (and boy howdy has she tried!!).. shes 16.

I have taken the day off work and he has told her.... all hell has broken loose... she has gone off her rocker. So I have said, so that he can see her I will back down and not go but he is adamant that she is not going to get her own way by throwing a paddy and he wants me to be there, which is lovely of him, but she is now saying/threatening that she wont even go to her uncles for those few days as SHE (i.e me) will be there.

What to do?

[ummmm]

I thought the same Lady....my kids consider my OH as their stepdad.

[NOX]

Likewise, I always actually refer to Harry as my son not even step son, but if I'm asked to clarify then I say step son- his father is still alive. My ex does the same with all her step kids, I've no idea what noraq is talking about.

[ladybirder]

Ah good, I'm glad it's not just me.

[RATTER15]

Noraq, you are suggesting that you cant be a step parent whilst the corresponding parent is still alive? Is that fact or assumption, I was a step father for 14 years and that was never suggested or implied, I have never heard of that before.

[RATTER15]

^^^^ lol I didn't realise everybody else was jumping on this point as well.

[BAKERS DOZEN]

Surely if the couple are not married yet then she is not her stepmother just her dad's girlfriend or have I missed something?

[ummmm]

I wonder what they should be referred as. My Dads wife....Or my mums husband.

[Barmaid]

I don't think getting into semantics really helps. I'm not married to my partner (yet!) but i consider myself a step mother to the kids - irrespective of the legal definition.

s4A Children Act 1989 seems to accept that the new spouse of a person with parental responsibility is a step parent.

http://www.legislatio...ga/1989/41/section/4A

My view is that one day, this young lady will become an adult. She may never have a close relationship with the OP but she may start acting like a human being.

[ummmm]

No BD. If they are playing the role of parent then they are a step parent.

[Noraq]

Sorry, I was not here..I have just seen the questions regarding my point.

It living in the U.K. and I have no knowledge of the Law on this matter here or indeed there.I hope I did not give that impression.

I was speaking from personal experience, the point was made to me in a similar situation and it made a huge difference to my way of thinking and my attitude to my father's partner.
That lady (who I believed was trying to usurp my Mother's role) saw the problem and dealt with it in a manner that I was able to relate to as a teenager.

I saw the similarities and though I would post my experiences.

[BAKERS DOZEN]

Sorry didn't mean to be picky. My thoughts are that Kat should stand back and let her OH build up his relationship with his daughter. If she does not go to the wedding next year then never mind. If Kat and the girl eventually get to be on speaking terms then the girl has missed out on a wedding. So what? Let OH get him and his daughter back on track before trying anything else. One thing that has not been said is whether Kat is responsible for her parents break up which can have an effect on children. I suggest Kat just stands back and ignores the tantrums and the child will get fed up when she sees it is getting her nowhere.

[Noraq]

*not living in the U.K.

[Prudie]

Although it shows his commitment to you by sticking by you I think this is adding massive fuel to the fire. Brat she may but she feels rejected by her Dad and is directing her hurt and anger towards the 'outsider' rather than her father. I think you should tell your OH to make the effort to see her without you. She'll probably be a lovely young adult one day. As the mother of a now grown up girl I can tell you at that age mine was equally foul.

[cc1]

Bakers Dozen, it sounds like you're saying let the little madam call all the shots, her time, her place etc. In reality, if she is 16, she is old enough to accept a situation, she doesn't have to like the step mother but she does have to be civil. I would play her at her own game, not even give her the option of coming to the wedding and her Father sees her in the most mundane circumstances, not a treat situation, maybe lunch at Tescos, until she can be civilised. At the moment it sounds like she is quite aware of her power and loves it! I feel a lot of sympathy for your OH, he seems to be damned whatever he does.

[BAKERS DOZEN]

Perhaps I'm a bit harder than you but I would not be at all bothered by the daughter. I'd just keep out of the way and if she wanted to think that she had 'won' then so be it. No skin off my nose. As long as my relatioinship with my OH was OK then there's no problem. May be when she sees she is not getting any reaction she might accept the situation. May be that they would never be bosom buddies but so what. Life is too short to be held ransom by family squabbles.

[RATTER15]

Noraq, I forgive :-)

[Noraq]

whew!!...thank you Ratter. =)

[lcg]

i actually sympathise with kat. the girl is 16 - old enough to know better and has had her own way for the last 6 years until recently. the dad has a right to a life, home and relationship and the daughter should respect that. it's time for her to grow up and being civil costs nothing - no-one has said she has to like kat, just be polite. i'd be livid if that were my son! i wouldn't force her to be a bridesmaid (as she could either play up or ruin photos with a sulky face), but i'd certainly insist that she remember herself and relationships are two way things - not consisting of someone running after her. kat, i commend your partner for sticking up for you and actually making a stand. it must be difficult for him, but at least he's got a spine x

[kat2206]

Thank you cc1 and lcg.. I appreciate that you can see it from a different view rather than being blinkered... If I may clarify, my OH and his ex wife had been split for approx 9 years before I met him, his ex wife goes through men like hot dinners and I have been the only stable person in their fathers life. As I have said before, if some posters would actually care to my posts thoroughly that i have actively suggested to my OH that he does need to see his daughter without me being present howver its his decision to uphold this as she will not dictate to him what he can and cannot do which I absolutely uphold and applaud rather than letting a rather spoilt child stamp her feet.

As some of you have said, I'm sure she will grow up and realise the error of her ways but while she is living under her mothers influence of hating on us nothing will change in the near future.

[kat2206]

Sorry, may I just clarify also,, that I am not OH's girlfriend... this time next year we will be married.

If I may also add, I have 2 teenage sons that live with us both and they are incredibly mature about our relationship and have welcomed my OH with opened arms, giving him birthday, xmas and even fathers day cards and gifts... not for one moment am I suggesting that she do this to me, far from it as I am not her mother, never want to replace her mother.. however civility would be nice!