Crosswords6 mins ago
Edinburgh Fringe jokes
// 1. Nick Helm: 'I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.'
2. Tim Vine: 'Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.'
3. Hannibal Buress: 'People say 'I'm taking it one day at a time.' You know what? So is everybody. That's how time works.'
4. Tim Key: 'Drive-Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought ... once you've hired the car...'
5. Matt Kirshen: 'I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess.'
6. Sarah Millican: 'My mother told me, you don't have to put anything in your mouth you don't want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards.'
7. Alan Sharp: 'I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure.'
8. Mark Watson: 'Someone asked me recently - what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife.'
9. Andrew Lawrence: 'I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can't even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails.'
10. DeAnne Smith: 'My friend died doing what he loved ... heroin.' //
I like 3 & 4.
You?
2. Tim Vine: 'Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.'
3. Hannibal Buress: 'People say 'I'm taking it one day at a time.' You know what? So is everybody. That's how time works.'
4. Tim Key: 'Drive-Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought ... once you've hired the car...'
5. Matt Kirshen: 'I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess.'
6. Sarah Millican: 'My mother told me, you don't have to put anything in your mouth you don't want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards.'
7. Alan Sharp: 'I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure.'
8. Mark Watson: 'Someone asked me recently - what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife.'
9. Andrew Lawrence: 'I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can't even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails.'
10. DeAnne Smith: 'My friend died doing what he loved ... heroin.' //
I like 3 & 4.
You?
Answers
1 to 18 of 18
-- answer removed --
I think 3 is nonsense. Time doesn't proceed a day at a time, it proceeds unceasingly, so people are deliberately being more specific by stating what unit they're currently basing their lives on. Mr Buress seems to be under the misapprehension that nobody knows this and he has to point it out.
Sorry if my analysis spoils the joke, but it was past spoiling anyway.
I thought 2 was the best, but he won last year.
Sorry if my analysis spoils the joke, but it was past spoiling anyway.
I thought 2 was the best, but he won last year.
Heard 1,5 & 8 many years ago although in slightly different forms
Also Paul Daniels wooden spoon joke - the worst one is a re-hash of a TV joke from a couple of months ago
"I said to a fella 'Is there a B&Q in Henley?' He said 'No, there's an H, an E, an N an L and a Y'."
Original
"I said to a fella 'Is there a B&Q in Eastbourne?'
He said 'No'
Then after a few seconds he said 'But there is 2 'E's'."
Also Paul Daniels wooden spoon joke - the worst one is a re-hash of a TV joke from a couple of months ago
"I said to a fella 'Is there a B&Q in Henley?' He said 'No, there's an H, an E, an N an L and a Y'."
Original
"I said to a fella 'Is there a B&Q in Eastbourne?'
He said 'No'
Then after a few seconds he said 'But there is 2 'E's'."
1 to 18 of 18
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