Teenage Angst

[Meg888]

Sorry it's a bit of a long one! I've been checking my 14 yr old daughter's facebook a/c and was shocked at some of the conversations she has with 'friends'. Don't get me wrong I don't spy on her as such, but when she first set up on FB I told her I'd like to know her password so I can monitor who she is friends with & who she talks to. (she has dyspraxia, so is quite guillable and easily confused). I don't look very often, but this week when I did I got a shock. She and a some of her friends seem to discuss killing themselves/self-harming a lot. She claims to be ill when she's not. She's also started claiming to be upset about her grandparents, telling people they are dying - which they are not (they have alzheimers). I've had a chat with her about it, she said she is going to change her password so I can no longer look - but I assured her, that I do not spy on her I just like to keep a check. She said that the 'suicide' conversations are just a bit of fun as is the claiming to be ill. It seems to me that they are all just wanting a bit of sympathy from people. I don't know all of the kids in question, but I know she is well taken care of and loved and she has (and still can) always been able to discuss anything with me. I told her when she's feeling like she needs attention not to turn to FB but to me. As she gets older I don't feel comfortable about looking at it, but in the past there have been times when she has befriended strangers or 'inappropriate' people and I have acted accordingly. I'm very strict about the friends she has on there - some of her friends have like 500+ FB friends whereas she only has about 70 (mostly family & school). I don't believe for 1 min these kids know all of them. Plus I'm wary of the so called 'celebrity' pages etc and like to keep an eye on them. I just feel if I don't look then she could be getting bullied (which has happened in the past) or being exploited, but I'm worried about invading her privacy?? She's my only child and I have mollycoddled her a bit due to her condition, but she is quite immature and I don't think she should be left entirely to her own devices as far as FB is concerned. But if I demand she comes off it, then I feel I'm being over the top as all her friends are on there. Any advice on it will be appreciated.

[andy-hughes]

I sympathise - having escaped the cyber-'friends' scecnario because my girls are all too old for it. Although my eldest grand-daughter who is fifteen is right in the middle of the whole thing, and is glued to her phone and computer.

If you honestly have concerns about your daughter's well-being, given her condition, then i would consider removing her access to the PC for using contact sites. Yes it will make you a villain in her eyes, but peer pressure is never a good reason to go against your parental instincts.

I recall a serious row with my oldest daughter when she was fifteen (history does repeat itself!) about walking home from the local 'teen night' at the night club. I confirmed she was either collected by me, or she didn't go. Cue massive rows - I'm 'old fashioned', 'hate her having fun' etc. ad nauseum, but I stuck out, and she didn't go. The next evening, front page news of the local paper was a fifteen year old girl who had been walking the same route as would have been taken by my daugher, and was dragged into a car, driven around while being raped by the four occupants, and then dumped at the bottom of our cul-de-sac. I was shocked, but so glad i stuck with my decision.

This is an extreme example I know - but better to be thought of as a fuddy-duddy than back down and see your child get into harm's way.

I would insist that she either shares her pass-word for you to check occasionally, or her access is terminated - no compromises.

God, who'd be a parent!!!!!

[joko]

be aware that if you allow her no privacy she may just set up another account...that you know nothing about...

you cannot totally control her...she will rebel so tread carefully

there is a goth/emo fashion at the moment so she may just be joining in

[ummmm]

She sounds like she's attention seeking.

[Meg888]

Yes I think it's attention seeking too - she wants everyone to feel sorry for her, and it's almost like they are all competing to see who's suffering the worst ! The boys are just as bad. All complaining that they are fat, ugly, no-one loves them so they're all going to kill themselves as everyone will be better off without them - which then leads to a barrage of 'NO, don't - I luv u hun etc etc ! Is this the norm for teens at the mo, will she grow out of it?

[ummmm]

It's not normal for my teenagers....

I would say she'll grow out of it. What is normal for teenagers though. My oldest son and his mates (both sexes) are all kisses and cuddles and love. My youngest son only hangs out with girls.

Neither was what was 'normal' when I was at school...

I wouldn't take Facebook off her though. Just keep an eye it.

[Ankou]

there most certainly is a genre of this type of need for servility and fawning, and it is prevalent on facebook. even amongst adults. there are so many who feel lonely and isolated and post such things as their "status", merely to get the fawning and obsequious attention of people who pretend they care.

i am not a great fan of fb, but understand its place in youthful society.

i would suggest you treat her like a grown up and explain the futility and nonsense of saying such things, pretend you understand this phase of monitor for a few more weeks and if it continues then get harsh but fair.

i think for now you just have to make her aware of what this really is and hope (trust) she has the wherewithal to understand. but be aware 40 year old women have been known to do this too, so its not just a youth issue.

[ummmm]

Very true Ankou. I've actually seen more nonsense from adults than kids...

[gerrywoods39]

Well this is why, sometimes too much of leniency from the parents and society is bad for children. I would say, government should make a law for the sake of next generations. The teens must know what are their limits and if they ever wish to cross those limits, they would get no legal support. Govt. gives too much independence to an 18 year old youngster. Often this freedom is exploited. An 18 year old can be given the right to vote but they must be kept under the strict care of their parents until the age of 21 at least. Yesterday, I came to know that a 16 year old had quarreled with her mother and now she was living with a mature lady. The mother was not sure what kind of relationship her daughter was having with that lady.

The only solution to that would be more legal rights for the parents to take care of their children. We can't destroy our children, the future of the nation simply at the name of independence and privacy. My assessment is fear factor is also necessary to keep the children on right path.

[Meg888]

Thank you all for your replies, some very interesting stuff.

I sneaked on her account today to see if she'd took on board anything I had said, and it does seem to have calmed down. Her 'friends' are still pretty much talking the same nonsense, but she's now 'trying' to talk them out of it??

I told her to just be herself, write the truth about what she's doing, etc. If she's up to baring her feelings to talk to me or someone she can trust - but face to face.

I agree Ankou, that it is a trend among adults as well as kids, which is ironic. In vain attempts to combat lonliness, they hide behind a computer instead of socialising with real people in real places. At a risk of sounding like a right old f*rt, I dread to think what the future holds for our grandkids - being raised by a generation whose understanding of socialising and communications is all done through a phone or a computer - and I'm raising one of them!

[Ankou]

yes, adults who go on websites and drone about the inconsequential things in life and moan daily about the perceived trials and tribulations of living....

hang on, i'm on answerbank doing just that!

its everybody else, honestly.