longterm partner unsure about children

[marylouise12]

My longterm partner has been.from the start unsure about children but thought he had come round recently we have been together for 9years and are truely in love we want to stay together.I am ready for children.I want to give my partner time as I think he has been under alot if pressure recently.I would like some advice.

[daffy654]

If he hasn't changed his mind in 9 years then he probably never will.

[marylouise12]

Well it was actually a def no no at the start and the last couple of years he had come round to the idea and actually brought up the subject a number of times himself.The past few nonths have been difficult with various stresses of life and everything is getting on top of him.

[joko]

maybe you could do a bit of babysitting for little ones...let him get used to the idea an start to imagone his own?

dont go for naughty toddlers or 4-5 year olds though unless theyre very good..it may put him off

[bednobs]

well if you want to give your partner time, then my advice is give him time!

[sue11]

Although I understand that you do not want to put him under any more pressure, you do both need to have a serious talk about your expectations. You say that he has bought up the subject himself in the past? I am presuming that although you may have had a discussion it did not result in you both agreeing that yes you both want children?
This is too important to cross your fingers and hope that he may be coming round to the idea and you do need to at least agree that your feelings about children are at least both headed in the right direction i.e that you both agree yes you want them but perhaps in another 2 or 3 years.
Also are you sure that you yourself really want children or is it a bit of wishful thinking? You seriously need to be 110% sure that you have changed your mind, especially if your strong relationship could break up on the basis of your desire for kids.
I have been with my partner for over 22 years and right from the beginning we both were very definite that we did not want children, we discussed it and over the years have been sure about each others feelings.
I think that for the moment, you both need to understand that you are both in agreement about your feelings. Have a talk with him. If he tells you he is still unsure, you need to ask him to give you a deadline for his final decision, it would not be fair of him to keep you hanging on and hoping.
Finally this is my opinion only! Children are not the be all and end all! I am sure you know that! Not having children has ensured that we actually have some money to spend on ourselves and enjoy nice holidays abroad without having to save money to afford them. I have watched my sister have a very difficult time bringing up two boys, she has made a good job, but she would be the first person to tell you that it is not all plain sailing (I am sure that there are plenty of others with a different experience though that they can tell you about!)
Hope my thoughts have helped somewhat.
Best wishes
Sue

[Andyvon]

If you aren't prepared to commit yourselves to each other after 9 years by getting married then you obviously feel the same lack of commitment about children. Children are a commitment for life! If you even have to ask this question after 9 years Marylouise then doesn't that lead you towards an answer?

[ludwig]

Ask him if he wants children or not. If he says he's not sure tell him you do so he needs to make his mind up because neither of you are getting any younger. If he says he definately doesn't then it's up to you to decide which you want more - him or children.

[marylouise12]

I wish to thank you all for taking the time in responding i appreciate most of the responses....Especially thank you to billandhiscat there are alot of reasons behind his worries and scares he really didn't have an easy upbringing at all. His father left when he was young and only seen him a couple of times after. It hasnt been easy for him and is the opposite to what i had in my family life. We completely love each other and dont feel the need for a piece if paper to make it real.... We know it is.. We have been through many problems together and although this is huge i realky hope and believe we will get through it.I also want to thank jojo sue11,bednobs and ludwig.

[marylouise12]

Is answer to sue i.do.feel very committed and although children aren't everything i dont think i would feel.complete without them in my life.I also want to thank ludwig again.