ChatterBank3 mins ago
Anyone on here fostered?
8 Answers
I've started a blog just about my experiences and thought others who had been fostered might find it useful/be able to identify with it etc. Might make an interesting read for anyone else too!
Here's the link for anyone interested:
http://fosteredandfor...view_nonce=6d5257f937
Here's the link for anyone interested:
http://fosteredandfor...view_nonce=6d5257f937
Answers
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Hi CAJ1, is this your life - its very sad. I foster children, some long term, they all have a sad stories to tell.
Can I just say one thing and I am trying to be positive here - the younger a child is when they suffer neglect, emotional and physical abuse, the deeper the scars are. The fact that you had a happy life in a loving family until you were 11 years old will in fact give you a stablity that some children will never have.
They say the personality of the child is formed by the time a child is 7 years old, the effect of trauma, abuse, emotional pain, however painful will not be so great or permanent.
Have you read the books by Dave Pelzer. He too had a normal "happy" family life till about the age of 7/8 and then his life changed dramatically. He was abused, beaten and tortured by his mother, his whole family turned against him. He has written many books about his experiences. And today he is happily married, has a son, and continues to work with disadvantaged children, abused children and adults, he lectures and gives speeches around America. Look at his website.
I really believe the reason he has had such a successful life, after such a terrible ordeal as a child is because his early life (first 7 years) was OK.
I am so sorry for you - I hope that you were able to make contact with your brother again. How is your life now ? Can you forgive your mother for not protecting you children ? I dont know what else to say.
Can I just say one thing and I am trying to be positive here - the younger a child is when they suffer neglect, emotional and physical abuse, the deeper the scars are. The fact that you had a happy life in a loving family until you were 11 years old will in fact give you a stablity that some children will never have.
They say the personality of the child is formed by the time a child is 7 years old, the effect of trauma, abuse, emotional pain, however painful will not be so great or permanent.
Have you read the books by Dave Pelzer. He too had a normal "happy" family life till about the age of 7/8 and then his life changed dramatically. He was abused, beaten and tortured by his mother, his whole family turned against him. He has written many books about his experiences. And today he is happily married, has a son, and continues to work with disadvantaged children, abused children and adults, he lectures and gives speeches around America. Look at his website.
I really believe the reason he has had such a successful life, after such a terrible ordeal as a child is because his early life (first 7 years) was OK.
I am so sorry for you - I hope that you were able to make contact with your brother again. How is your life now ? Can you forgive your mother for not protecting you children ? I dont know what else to say.
hi CAJ1, what a fantastic idea. My family used to foster when I was younger and I have some great memories of foster siblings. I'm sure the site will benefit many people.
I have seen some of your posts before and hope things are improving for you, and you have been able to move on, I'm sure the blog is a help with that too. Best wishes x
I have seen some of your posts before and hope things are improving for you, and you have been able to move on, I'm sure the blog is a help with that too. Best wishes x
Hi Kassee, yes it is my life that I am writing about, there is so much more to be added to the blog.
I've read that the younger you are, the greater the effect on your life. I have also read the books by Dave Pelzer, they are the sort of books that you pick up and can't put down. I'd love to write a book but wouldn't know where to start so maybe this is a good starting point, making a blog about it and then perhaps I can forward it to a publisher who might be able to help me. I have the most lovely boyfriend who tries to understand but I find it hard to put into words what happened so if he and my half sister who I discovered a year or so ago want to know about my past theycan also read it. It is sad (and I do not mean this in a rude way) but I've not done it for people to feel sorry for me, its just to get it out there, to help me sort through it, to help others understand and give other fostered kids/adults hope that you can work through it.
I've just found that once you are out of the system thats it. There is no support in adult life from anyone and I am still struggling with what has happened and is still happening within my family and even trying to get counselling via the NHS is a huge struggle.
I believe now that what happened to me has made me the person I am today and I am strong, nice and want to succeed. I can't forgive my mother, I contacted her but she has never replied and its so hard to work through. Its almost like she has died because she's not part of my life anymore but I can't grieve because she's not dead (if that makes sense), I don't know how to deal with it. I do however understand that at the time she was scared of my Dad but I don't understand why she doesn't want to know now. I have never been able to find my brother, I am currently trying to trace him with the help of an agency.
Hi tenrec, I know there are children who are much much worse off than me. It gets to me that anyone can have children but some people just don't think it through and when the going gets tough they jack it in instead of standing tall and protecting their children.
Hi chelle7272, it would be interesting to hear the side of a child who's family fostered other children, I'm sure it was different for you too!
Things haven't improved greatly and I'm at a stage where I feel a bit crappy about it all but the good thing is I'm aware of that and I'm doing my best to work through it. x
I've read that the younger you are, the greater the effect on your life. I have also read the books by Dave Pelzer, they are the sort of books that you pick up and can't put down. I'd love to write a book but wouldn't know where to start so maybe this is a good starting point, making a blog about it and then perhaps I can forward it to a publisher who might be able to help me. I have the most lovely boyfriend who tries to understand but I find it hard to put into words what happened so if he and my half sister who I discovered a year or so ago want to know about my past theycan also read it. It is sad (and I do not mean this in a rude way) but I've not done it for people to feel sorry for me, its just to get it out there, to help me sort through it, to help others understand and give other fostered kids/adults hope that you can work through it.
I've just found that once you are out of the system thats it. There is no support in adult life from anyone and I am still struggling with what has happened and is still happening within my family and even trying to get counselling via the NHS is a huge struggle.
I believe now that what happened to me has made me the person I am today and I am strong, nice and want to succeed. I can't forgive my mother, I contacted her but she has never replied and its so hard to work through. Its almost like she has died because she's not part of my life anymore but I can't grieve because she's not dead (if that makes sense), I don't know how to deal with it. I do however understand that at the time she was scared of my Dad but I don't understand why she doesn't want to know now. I have never been able to find my brother, I am currently trying to trace him with the help of an agency.
Hi tenrec, I know there are children who are much much worse off than me. It gets to me that anyone can have children but some people just don't think it through and when the going gets tough they jack it in instead of standing tall and protecting their children.
Hi chelle7272, it would be interesting to hear the side of a child who's family fostered other children, I'm sure it was different for you too!
Things haven't improved greatly and I'm at a stage where I feel a bit crappy about it all but the good thing is I'm aware of that and I'm doing my best to work through it. x
Hi CAJ1, you sound as if you are a lovely person and your experiences have made you strong. Councilling is really, really helpful. Go to your doctor and tell them you want councilling, (demand it) tell them what you have been through and that you need help in dealing with it (because you do) and they will put you on a waiting list. You need to work through all your pain and inner most feelings, otherwise it can lead to depression. It is too much to keep to yourself and I expect your blog will help you too. But an experienced councillor will be the best help you can get.
I hope that you manage to contact your siblings. You mention your mother and how hard it is to think about this - a councillor will help you with this - and you will be able to put it to rest with their help.
Another thing that has helped me (as I have been through some pain too - and did have councilling) is working with people that are less fortunate. Somehow this helps, either working for charity, disabled people/children, mental health problems, people that are dying, working abroad in the shanty towns or slums in India.
I dont know if this would help you or not. But the very best of luck xx
I hope that you manage to contact your siblings. You mention your mother and how hard it is to think about this - a councillor will help you with this - and you will be able to put it to rest with their help.
Another thing that has helped me (as I have been through some pain too - and did have councilling) is working with people that are less fortunate. Somehow this helps, either working for charity, disabled people/children, mental health problems, people that are dying, working abroad in the shanty towns or slums in India.
I dont know if this would help you or not. But the very best of luck xx
My mother watched, never said a word or helped me in any way when my father beat me repeatedly, to the point where I have a brain injury. The local priest who I told because I thought he was on God's side and God would surely look after me, took me home and told my father what I'd told him and said somthing along the lines of ' I thought you ought to know what he's been saying'- so I fully appreciate why you feel as you do about your mother and other people who didn't stick up for you.
However in order to be fair, in my experience, you can't judge people too black and whitely. My mother was a weak woman, who was besotted by my father and would do anything to please him, hence she only thought of him and not of me. Whilst that is a monumental fault in a parent, it's very human to have failings and I spent a good deal of my adult life, bitterly resenting what happened to me as a child and blaming it for the way my life at that point turned out. My turning point came when I simply let it go. I would never have believed it was possible to do, but with the help of someone who loved me I finally found the strength to let go of the past, not dwell on it and to forgive my mother and the others who had turned a blind eye. My mother is in acute denial about the whole thing, but I hunted her down, persued contact with her no matter how many times I was rebuffed and although we are not close, I don't blame her for what happened- there is no point.
I think the fact that you are writing it down is a very good thing- I wrote my whole story down as well and it's very purging- once it's out there it's no longer festering inside you.
You will be absolutely fine CAJ, you sound like a grand girl and you are doing all the right things to see yourself through this:)
However in order to be fair, in my experience, you can't judge people too black and whitely. My mother was a weak woman, who was besotted by my father and would do anything to please him, hence she only thought of him and not of me. Whilst that is a monumental fault in a parent, it's very human to have failings and I spent a good deal of my adult life, bitterly resenting what happened to me as a child and blaming it for the way my life at that point turned out. My turning point came when I simply let it go. I would never have believed it was possible to do, but with the help of someone who loved me I finally found the strength to let go of the past, not dwell on it and to forgive my mother and the others who had turned a blind eye. My mother is in acute denial about the whole thing, but I hunted her down, persued contact with her no matter how many times I was rebuffed and although we are not close, I don't blame her for what happened- there is no point.
I think the fact that you are writing it down is a very good thing- I wrote my whole story down as well and it's very purging- once it's out there it's no longer festering inside you.
You will be absolutely fine CAJ, you sound like a grand girl and you are doing all the right things to see yourself through this:)
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