Smart arse Answers!

[Jemisa]

1 A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'

2 A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at Tesco but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a young lad filling the freezers, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The lad replied, 'No madam, they're dead...'

3 The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the copper said.
The kid replied, Is that right? well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the copper finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.


4 A lorry driver was driving along on the motorway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his lorry gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The copper gets out of his car and walks to the lorry driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, mate?'
The lorry driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of petrol..

'
5 A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-arse student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and sniggering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other hand then.'

[heathfield]

Good to see these, again, Jem!

[marval]

lol

[Jemisa]

Ok Ok! hf, I know they're last years list but haven't seen this years yet.
There may be some who haven't seen 'em yet.

jem

[starone]

The last one was the best. I wish I could think fast enough to make remarks like that.

[zebo]

I too always have a wonderful retort, half and hour later. A voluptuous young colleague of mine gave a 14 year old a detention and he wasn't happy. "I'll get you done, I'll tell everybody you locked me in the cupboard and made me have sex with you". She used all the dignity she could muster from 5 feet tall and said "You should be so bl@@dy lucky!" She was also told by another youth to "F@@k off", her reply was "Off where?", his little forehead furrowed as he slunk away. This was a long time ago, I doubt she'd get away with it in these more PC times.