When should i feel over an ex?

[peason77]

i realise this is a difficult question, as everyone is different but bear with me. I've been dumped over and over again by the same man. First time was horrid, next time, a little less so etc etc. We split again 3 weeks ago. I've not contacted him since. I've busied my life as much as poss. Infact, sometimes i've felt bad not because i've thought of him but because i haven't! yet, sometimes a moment catches me, i think what if i NEVER hear from him again? and a lump forms in my throat and i desperately want to cry but can't because i don't want my young child to see me. My life feels like i'm wading through treacle and i want to catch a break. I keep thinking when will the pain completely disappear? I do like to think he's thinking about me, but i think thats my problem. Its hindering my progress. Should i just let time do its stuff and keep busy? but think i'm in danger of burning out because i'm up at 5am work full time, look after my child and frequently have a broken nights sleep. Am i normal?

[ummmm]

Yes, that's normal after 3 weeks.

I've noticed that you don't actually realise that you've moved on. When you've moved on you stop thinking about them but it's not a decision to do so. It's not until you see them, or they are brought up in conversation that you know that the old emotions are not there.

Time...

[Sqad]

////Am i normal?////

Yes...that is a normal emotional response to that type of situation and is more common in the female sex than the male sex.

[andy-hughes]

You are absolutely normal.

What is happening is that you are locked in a cycle of dependence.

When you are in a relationship and it breaks up, the natural feelings are of isolation and abandonment, and the fear that you will neveer have a happy relationship again. Suddenly the relationship you left starts to look very attractive, because subconciously, your mind will accept an unsuitable relationship if ithe alternative is no relationship.

That's why it is so easy to pine for your ex, and to slip back into a relationship with him again, so the whole cycle can go around again.

What you need to do is not to wear yourself out so you don;t think of thim, it's to reach a point where you think of him, but only in terms of the damage your relationship does to you, and that going back is not a good idea.

When you get to that stage, the cycle is broken, and you can start to build your life with a feeling of self-reliance, and not a life where you need this man to make you feel complete, and you are bereft without him.

If you learn to be on your own, when you do find another relationship, you will not be as dependent, which will make the relationship more balanced - you won;t be needy and insecure, and the next guy will not be tempted to mess you around because you will put up with it.

So take some 'me time' and know that you don;t need a man - especially this one - to fulfil you and make you happy. You are an individual, worth loving properly, and not because an unsuitable man is better than nothing.

When you have goe some self-belief and confidence in your ability to survive on your own, you will start to get over this man, and eventually to be ready for a new relationship.

Avoid the temptation to fall back into your old routine, it is destructive and it is holding you back - as you say. break this circle, and you will feel a lot better.

It's not easy, but it can - and it needs to be done.

[Old_Geezer]

I don't believe "should" should come into it. You feel what you feel.

Time is a great healer. It helps if you can avoid running into your ex and triggering yourself off again. Otherwise you just have to keep your head down and get through it. You need your mind to prefer 'moving on' to clinging to 'might have beens if things were different'. Doesn't happen overnight.

If you find yourself thinking of him it may help to acknowledge your thoughts and then intentionally find something else to interest you. Try to convince your subconscious that is not an interesting subject to bring to mind. Don't dwell in the satisfaction of feeling sad over your misfortune, give it short shrift.

[peason77]

Thankyou so very much for taking the time to respond to my question so thoroughly people. I've had years of counselling for low self esteem but it seems like this site is working far better than years of therapy. I will keep reading your responses to make me stronger. :)

[pips1]

I have read all the comments too peason and they are very helpful. It took years for me to get over my ex and I now realise I dwelt on things far too long. Nice long comment from andy-hughes (not surprised, I've always liked reading his posts) but also nice to get a male perspective - good luck and be strong!

[TTG]

Dumped over and over again by the same man? Does not sound like much of a man to me. Hope you find a real man.

[murraymints]

It will feel awful to you at the moment .but stay strong and realise that you really do deserve better...and it WILL come..don't settle for anything less than you deserve in life and this chappie does NOT sound like a good sort..don't let him pick you up when he wants and to be discarded when he wants...now is the time in life for what you want....to be cherished and loved not to be be toyed with and used... please stay strong...I have been in that particular place myself..it is all too easy to slip into a situation because it is easy..but not good...break the cycle and keep moving onwards and upwards....

[peason77]

thanks guys :) i guess it really is about believing the sentence 'i deserve better' and not, 'you're not going to find anyone else'. In some ways i want to hear from him to test my strength. I REALLY would like the opportunity to say get lost. When he left i was emotional, but nice, so i'm sure he'll be thinking he's safe to walk back into my life when he wants because i was so upset when he left. What he doesn't know is that time has made me reassess the situation and i realise i don't need him, but i would like to be given the opportunity to put the final nail in the coffin, just so's he knows the ball is well and truly out of his court. Only time will tell whether or not i get that opportunity. I'd like to be strong for ONCE in my life. I'm so tired of being walked all over by this man.

[beso]

Don't worry about finding someone else. That is not what you should be comparing.

You are better off without this loser. Remember this if he tries to get back into you life and be sure to tell him so.

[Prudie]

I have also had one relationship like yours and the more I got treated badly the more desperate and obsessed I became about keeping him. No amount of sound advice about deserving better or what a total sh*t he was from friends and family had any effect on me. When he finally left for good I felt my life was over. I went to pieces and spent hours, weeks, months crying and wondering if he cared what I was going through (which of course he didn't). Only time has helped and I look back in secret shame for letting someone treat me so badly. I'm now in a long-term and happy relationship and have been for 11+years but I still dream about this guy weekly and still can't face googling him! There is no easy solution but time really is a healer and you will get through it. Your strength needs to be to not let him back in if tries. We've all been there in some degree or other.X

[peason77]

thanks Prudie, sorry to hear you went through such a bad time. I hope you're in a happy place now. I'm not wanting another relationship at present. I believe events test us. My test is to resist him if he comes near me again (i don't know if that will ever happen) I've failed the test on so many occasions, but this time i would like to pass with a distinction. I really feel i need to prove it to myself. However, i have to accept its a test that may never come. He plays mind games and is a control freak, i think thats pretty immature behaviour for a 42yr old man, but he won't win this game, not now, i'm too tired of it all, i will be strong.

[anneasquith]

keep him out of your life forever.

[boxtops]

Good for you, peason - keep saying that to yourself. You can come on here anytime to talk to us. Stick with it - your child deserves a happy mum, and it sounds like you're getting there - well done!

[sallyann16]

I'm going through the same. We kept splitting up time and again over the past year and it got to a point where we couldn't keep 'trying again', because it was clear that nothing had changed within the relationship. So this time it has to be final. But now, on day 3, it hurts far more than making the actual decision. The longer time goes by, the more you realise that nobody has been in touch and the feelings of abandonment intensify.

My repetitive thought is that I must mean nothing to him now, that the past 3 years meant nothing. I want to text him and remind him of everything I've done for him, but of course I won't do that. It's horrible feeling that the past few years have been for nothing, but take comfort that we ALL feel exactly the same. My man WON'T be feeling the same as me - it's women who mainly suffer the most with non-stop thinking.

Just try and imagine you both suddenly get in touch again and decide to try again - be honest now, would you really want that, repeating what has gone on before again and again?