I really need some advice please help!

[whatwhat]

Hi all..
About 2 years ago, my son (then aged 5) had 2 friends over to play. They were all in his bedroom when I heard over the baby monitor (i had a baby as well and it must of been left on from his nap, I wasnt just spying on them!) I heard one of the boys saying 'suck it' so I ran upstairs to see the my boy and his other friend looking a bit worried and this other boy smirking. I told them that i wanted to play with them now, and this boy told me to go away and shut the door!!!! Absolutely horrified that a boy whom I barely knew had spoken to me like this and had said what I had overheard, I ordered them all down stairs and waited for his mum to come. Needless to say they dont play anymore. While waiting I asked casually whether this was a game he played at home or with anyone else he knew to which he replied no
When he had gone I asked my son what had happened upstairs and what he was asking them to suck. He replied it was a game and he wanted them to suck fingers.
Now yesterday we bumped into this boy, who seemed very polite.
This morning my son came in wanting to tell me something about that day. He said this boy was asking them to suck something they shoudnt (my son actually said it though) He had had his out and wanted the other two boys to do the same. He said neither of them did.
What do I do :(

[woofgang]

I would treat it very low key with your son. At age five who knows where the other boy picked the idea up from. Agree that it would be a good idea not to encourage any friendship though.

[Mamyalynne]

This is indeed an awkward situation, especially as we are now 2 years down the line. The most worrying aspect to me is how the young boy knew of the act itself - all small children know the pleasure of touch from birth, I speak as a Grandmother and the pleasure on little faces when you have to move their parts to clean at nappy times is obvious. But this is another level and your actions will depend largely on how well you know the parents and whether you think the boy may be at risk.

I don't envy your position and hope you make the right choice and it is good to know that your son was able to confide in you, a good relationship there.

[1carrieanne]

What a dilemma! It's obviously playing on your child's mind now, even though it was 2 years ago. You need professional help on this one, to ensure your child gets through it without it having a long term effect on him. Seeing this boy again has brought the memory back. Talk to your child, reassure him that he did nothing wrong, and encourage him to talk to you if he wants to. In the meantime, talk to your GP and ask them what they would do.

[whatwhat]

I have met the parents at school, they both seem ..'ok' He and his older sister both seem 'normal'.. (hence at the time I didn't pursue it further) Its playing on my mind now though after our conversation this morning... and has obviously stuck in my sons mind.. to come out with it 2 years on. Mamyalynne, I know what you mean about children enjoying contact, but it wasnt said in a curious way, it was kind of ordered.. I think I made excuses in my own mind at the time which allowed me to push my thoughts aside (like the family seeming normal) but.. people aren't going to wear a banner saying im a peado! Im a bit lost!

[rozia]

Have you tried talking to the parents? or a school teacher.....i would do that, due to the fact, that the other boy may have been abused etc, im not assuming he is, but there a many reasons why he would say that, but to be sure and safe, i would mention this to authority i.e school.

[boxtops]

I sympathise with your dilemma, but I wouldn't label this little boy a paedo, he was probably copying something else he may have seen (and who knows where, real life, magazine, porn film)? Children do mimic and experiment. I am in no way trying to excuse this or to say your lad shouldn't worry about it, but this may have been along the lines of "you show me yours and I'll show you mine". Your lad has obviously been worried that he has fibbed, but he's now sorted that out - the other boy may have forgotten all about - telling you to go away may just have reflected the way they speak at his home.
If I were you I would try to make very little of it, and to only mention it again if your son wants to talk about it. He didn't take part, after all, you interceded in time - it was a silly unpleasant incident with a young boy knowing far more about sex than he should have at that age. I agree with woofgang - let it go, and discourage the friendship.

[Ann]

This is worrying - I know of a family whose very young child said something on similar lines in another parents hearing. This "so called caring" parent immediately contacted Social Services, who informed the Police and the father was arrested, without it being proved he had done anything wrong. He insists he is innocent (as does the mother) and is now fighting to clear his name as he has been prevented from having contact with his family. A very sad situation all round.

[VHG]

>>>Have you tried talking to the parents?

Not a good idea, that would probably go down very badly with the other childs parents and could even turn nasty.

They wont take kindly to any sort of accusation against their child.

[China Doll]

Do they go to the same school? If so then I think I might have a discreet word with the head teacher regarding the incident and leave it to them. It could well be that the young lad in question has perhaps seen something on the telly or been told/heard talk from an older sibling, even just walked in on his parents at an inopportune moment and is acting out from that experience; there is not always a sinister explanation.

I agree with talking to the parents about an incident that happened two years ago might not be helpful (depends on the parents). I think my own concern would be if there is a possibly sinister reason for it whether I did enough to help, and hence a suggestion to tell a teacher if they are at the same school.

If they are not at the same school then i guess you will just have to leave it now, like I said, sexually inappropriate behaviour in young children does not always mean the worst case scenario.

[whatwhat]

Thank you all for your answers.. boxtops.. I wasnt trying to label the boy a peado..it was a bad reference to the parents.. they are at the same school, so I could mention it to the teachers, but like Ann86 said, I dont want accusations to go flying when it could easily be something innocent. I am playing it down with my son, but we did chat about things that are ok to do/ touch and things that aren't at his age. Luckily they do not want to pursue a friendship so thats not a prob. Im still not sure what im going to do about it, but I have really appreciated all your comments, it has helped to sort things out in my mind.

[China Doll]

I think you've done the right thing in terms of playing it down with your son and taking the opportunity to talk about good and bad touching. I think if it were me I would still have a chat with the head teacher and just let them know the incident occured, when it occured and that you are just passing on for information and you are obviously not concerned with taking the matter any further. All you've done there is given them further information in case there are concerns about the child that you do not know about; but if that was the case then all you're doing is adding some weight but in their line of work they will know what other things/signs to look out for and if there are other causes for concern they will take action on those concerns and not an incident that happened two years ago. It'll probably mainly just ease your mind too to tell someone about it who can keep an eye out so to speak :c)

[boxtops]

ann - I'd be very concerned too if this was an older boy, and certainly if it was an adult I'd have done something about it - but this is a 5-year-old, mimicking being wise beyond his years....

[FranticTraveller]

I work with children who have been victims of trafficking. My thought is generally that all children experiment through the exploring minds of self-discovery and puberty. However, small children can be easily coerced by older children, and easily deceived. This may very well be where the child discovered this behaviour. I can't with any comfort think it was discovered from the parents based upon what you say. The most important aspect is to not over-react with your son. To show an out-of-norm reaction creates doubt and/or even curiosity in your child. Be matter-of-fact, acknowledge what he has said, but state with conviction, just as if you were chastising a child for stealing, that this behaviour is not appropriate and should not be spoken about to other children. Then be the good parent that you clearly are - be aware.

When I first read this the film with P.S. Hoffman and Meryl Streep came to mind as it was on telly last night - Doubt. If you have not seen it I encourage you to do so. It is complex and I've seen many people convinced in their opinions, one way or the other. It's a parable on the fragility of human nature and one of the best I've seen in many years.

I applaud you for asking others for their thoughts. Ultimately, your family values and practices are yours.

I wish you every success.

FT

[whatwhat]

I think that the school has to follow up all leads though.. so im not sure going to them is the best idea if im not sure. I think ill keep my ear to the ground and if I hear any thing else that sounds dubious Ill take it up with the school. Thank you again for all your time and help

[Eve]

Difficult one. I think I'd have to have a chat with someone at the school as there may have been other concerns about the child himself or it could be things have happened with other children and the effect on them.

I had some inappropriate sexual behaviour towards me on a number of occasions when I was young and it might have helped me if there was someone to look out for me more, especially at a young age where you are not sure what things really mean and a definite sense of what is right or wrong and it can be very difficult to say anything to anyone.

[whatwhat]

Thanks FT.. that was reassuring.. I think I have dealt with it in this manner, as I haven't wanted to scare him into talking to me, or think that he has done anything wrong, but to state the fact that somethings are not acceptable. He was very understanding in what I said, and I hope he never needs to put it into practice! Iv not heard of the film Doubt.. but will have a look out for it! Thank you. Also I applaud you in your job.. that must be heartbreaking!

[hc4361]

I'm sure I'm not the only one that played 'doctors and nurses' and 'mummies and daddies' when I was 5. Me and my friend, a girl, certainly looked at each others bits - I remember being very curious. I can't remember any incident that made me curious or know it was naughty, but we both knew it was.

By the time I was 7 I'd lost all interest in girls until I was 13 or so, and am certainly not perverted. I'm relieved to say my sexual persuasion has always been towards females of my own age.

I'm not sure what I think about the sucking, though. I presume your son knows parts of his body are private. If your son mentions it again praise him for not taking part and just say the friend was being naughty and silly.

I should put this other boy out of your mind.

By the way, there is nothing wrong on listening in to 5 year olds playing together and I would make it a house rule that bedroom doors stay open when friends come to play.