I'm writing a story called the legend, and I was wondering, Is this a good start?

[funnyjake2011]

Once upon a time, there was a boy named Jake, Jake always loved to go outside, but, this morning, as he woke up, he didn’t see any light, looking at his clock, it looked like it was 9 in the morning, Jake could not believe what he saw, and he went to the door. As he began to open it, there was a voice that was coming from behind, “Jake…” it began to appear as a ghostly girl, scratching his head, Jake walked toward it, as it moved back, she disappeared through the window, saying, “down here Jake…” As Jake looked through the window, he could see the ghost, he looked around, it seemed that time itself stopped moving, as he went outside, he could see the starting rainfall, but no rain was coming down, he could see the droplets suspended, the wind looked like it had been blowing through the trees because the branches were bent, “Jake..” The ghost girl called, “Take sword in hand… I will tell you later…” As the sword appeared on the frozen grassy floor, Jake grabbed it, she evaporated into water and time began to turn again. Staring all around, trying to find the girl, the girl whispers, “Behind you” As he looks behind himself, he could see her and a monster, “Jake, quickly, Swing” Jake nodded and as the monster came closer, in the distance, he could see the ghost girl close her eyes, a few seconds later, Jake’s sword lit up, as he took swings, the monster covered himself up and screamed in pain. It fell to the ground, curled up, and dispersed into the air.

[zachwtay]

I like it.

[Wharton]

Once upon a time there was a boy named funnyjake2011 who stayed up too late at night.

[alperchino]

Seems kinda cool man but don't give too much away in the first bit of the story,like lead the reader on, hammer the description of what he sees and what his life is like, only an opinion be good to read full story,good look fella

[Arksided]

great opening... hmm 'Once upon a time'...
I do like the inventiveness of the story and good luck with it and keep going.

The End.

[Wharton]

Why did he scratch his head?

[bravejordy]

Good start, funnyjake, it does need a little work but you can worry about that once you've finished the whole story. Even the best selling authors have to do re-writes. Good luck. :)

[flump1]

Good start, keep it up .!

[pink-kittens]

too much information given in the first paragraph
Wait a minute, do you know what they are?

[douglas9401]

I was always told that if you can't say anything nice, say nothing.

[B00]

Personally for me there's far too many commas and not enough description. I'd want the monster described in full.

[doctordb]

slow down, there's five pages worth of story here. seperate this passage into three stages.

1. introduce jake more gradually, first show us his surroundings, the atmosphere, set the mood and draw us into the story. first impressions count so get this right and the reader will follow.

2. by page three jake and his location should be established, now surprise the reader by introducing the ghost (again slowly). how does she appear? what does she look like? is jake scared or calm? what effect does the apparation have on the natural enviroment.

3. this all leads us to the climax near page five. here you can write at a fast pace but still give us more description, it's a monster after all! excite us. what does it look and smell like? it's sound? what size? use all the senses. let the reader hear jake's heartbeat. again, is he scared?

a couple of technical points:

it is best not to use your own name. create a character unlike yourself and let it take you where it wants to go.

slow down and break up your paragraph's into shorter segments. it's easier on the eye for the reader.

try not to repeat words too often. in this short passage 'jake' appears twelve times. find other, more descriptive ways of saying the same thing.

last and most importantly; believe in yourself and don't give in.

[DTCwordfan]

Just keep writing and writing....I write, both for technical work and some fiction, the technical work being based around turning science and engineering into marketing communication materials.

I would start your text above with something like.

Number 36, Jordan Avenue was one of those typically suburban houses that dot the landscape of West Ealing, built in the 1930s, neat and tidy, a green door, a small but landscaped garden, one of those houses in a street where nothing ever happenend other than the background buzz of the daily hum-drum of life.

Certainly it was not a street where one expected a spectral phenomenon to happen.

Inside Number 36, Jake, a twelve year old boy, was snuggled in bed, thinking about the day ahead, how he would love to go and play outside...................

Hope this helps.

[DTCwordfan]

Doctor B is right.....draw your characters out and think about the reactions emotions that Jake is experiencing and describe those - they add a personal dimension to the character. These reflections don't have to be verbose, even just a single line, it is the insight that is important.

[mrsweasley]

Its a good start, but cut the 'once upon a time' very dated if you are serious. I've tried to write a novel,on and off for years, but short stories are much easier, especially if you follow advice from doctorb