Au Pair Girl and Dress Code (White Blouse & Black Skirt)

[Jipper]

This may be a longer question.

Our family has hosted a young, live-in au pair girl, since August 2011 (when she was 16 years old, which is OK where I live). She leaves later this month (June 2012), and we're going to host a second girl who will arrive in August this year. She's been allowed to wear what she wants for ordinary days (except revealing), but for special events (like parties in our home, birthdays, Christmas), work-related meetings with her in our home and even weekends, we've required her to dress nice wearing clothes like a white blouse and a black skirt (we've been paying for the clothes, so that's no problem), looking representative for the family. She has agreed with this as it was already written down in the house rules from the beginning.

I know some people don't like this, but my problem has been, that she after accepting my rules has refused to do it. I decided to keep hosting the girl, as she actually did good job (and our daughter likedher). Of course, she always wore those clothes when I told her, but sometimes we had to argue a lot before. The first time seemed hopeless, even if she did as we say, it wasn't easy at all. From late September things seemd to become better, and she seemed to finally accept it even if she didn't like it (she even said that to me). Late November-mid January (Christmas season) was a new series of outbreaks, then she calmed down again. After that, she has sometimes had some new outbreaks (and I really hate bad behaviour). I've tried to talk to her several times, and she just said she hates it and it's un-fomfort. I just told her it may be the same with those girls who work in restaurants, for example.

If the new girl will act the same, how can I handle this better?

[pastafreak]

You are essentially asking a young girl who is there as a member of your family to dress in a uniform-thereby setting her apart from you and your family. Would you expect the same from any other young girl-related or not-in your home? Why can't you just suggest that she dress nicely on these special occasions,without setting such rigid specifics? It would make life much easier,and she would also fit in better both with you,and your guests. She is supposed to be treated as a social equal-not some sort of underling.

[pastafreak]

" Hosting an au pair should be a rewarding experience for your family. An au pair comes to the UK as part of a cultural exchange, to live here and experience our culture within the safe confines of your family. They will help you with childcare and house-hold chores in return for board and lodging at your house. It is a great system which has been running for many decades and if you remember to treat them as a member of your family and not as a domestic employee, you will reap the benefits. "

The above quote is from here - http://www.sosaupairs.com/find-an-au-pair

[NOX]

Yep smack on pasta- we've had Au Pairs and would NEVER dream of treating them like that- it's really disgraceful.

[Celticv11]

I always let the butler deal with below stairs staff

[boxtops]

I think I need to ask you - do you make your own children follow the same rules, i.e. dress stiffly and formally when you have guests? If you don't, then you are discriminating. Of course she agreed when she was 16, what would you expect, she was being polite to her new hosts. You make her dress like your secretary - no wonder she rebels. I'd expect house rules to include times for coming in at night, not letting friends stay over (has she got any?), no drink in the bedroom - and so on. Not dressing your au pair in livery.

[FredPuli43]

Of course, having your wife dress up as a French maid is another matter, but I don't think she'd approve if the au pair provided you with quite the personal service that followed. And there's no point in making provision of that service a 'house rule'.

[joko]

what she agreed to is irrelevant - as you are talking about the new one who is due to come soon - it is unlikely that she will agree to wearing a uniform around her own home

i expect the first one agreed because - as a teen - she probably thought you just meant you wanted her to dress nicely on special occasions - as anyone would expect guests too... i expect she didnt realise what you actually had in mind ... hence her now refusing

[Emily Ball]

Jipper, the second paragraph describing your dilemma reads disturbingly like new-dog-training problems. I realise that this may in part be due to the fact that English is not your mother tongue. I also realise that it's sometimes difficult for employers such as yourself to understand where au pair help ends and cheap domestic labour begins. By definition, and to repeat what most of the others have said, an au pair lives, albeit temporarily, on a par, or equal footing, with the family.
To avoid future conflict with recalcitrant au pairs, I suggest you acquaint yourself with your responsibilities as 'host' and be prepared to modify your expectations . The alternative is to do the job yourself.