Excelsior : The QuizMaster's CV

sunny-dave | 16:17 Mon 27th Aug 2012 | ChatterBank

39 Answers

Born : Cholmondley Featherstonehaugh Excelsior Smith - Frinton 1967

Father : K'mtok, the Klingon Ambassador to Earth - teleported from 2379 to 1966 to observe the first broadcast of the Star Trek documentary series

Mother : Doreen Smith - librarian and part-time astrologer

< an error in the intergalactic co-ordinates used for his teleport meant that K'mtok actually arrived at the first (and only) disco organised by Frinton WI - his chat up line of 'Hey Kid, I'm from Another Planet' was something of a success with the local girls ... with predictable results nine months later... >

The baby's first two Christian names came from his Mother's obsession with the books of PG Wodehouse, but she was advised by her astrological charts that a third Christian name should be a 'found name' from the first printed thing she read after his birth.

In retrospect it was lucky that she saw the label on the 'Excelsior' hot-air hand drier marginally before the sign saying 'Now Wash Your Hands' ...

Excelsior detested his first two names - especially when the local youth shortened them to Chumps and (worse still) Fanny. He removed the offending names by Deed Poll (along with his humdrum surname) and insists now on just being "Excelsior" - with no abbreviations encouraged or tolerated except from very close friends who may call him "Excels".

Education : Frinton Boys Primary

St Borg's Grammar, Clacton - O levels in Maths, Further Maths, More Maths, Art, Domestic Science and Norwegian. A levels in Maths and Klingon.

University of West Mersea : BSc Applied Klingon

University of Khitomer : MSc "James T Kirk- hero or villain ?"

Answerbank in the Wold Academy : PhD "The Trouble with Tribbles - a metaphysical allegory for our time"

Married #1 : 1987 Nyota Uhura

Divorced #1 : 1988 - the young Excelsior seems to have been the victim of a scam - his wife seems not to have been an interplanetary traveller and was eventually exposed as Chardonnay Faketan from Romford.

Married #2 : 1999 Ailsa Craig - described by Excelsior as 'My Rock'

Career Highlights :

Ambassador from the Klingon City of n'tesco to Frinton (1993-2009)

Resident QuizMaster Answerbank in the Wold (2009 - 2012)

< the circumstances of the dismissal of this familiar (possibly over familiar) figure are shrouded in mystery. The provisional wing of Al Markrae have been implicated, but maintain that they were all in Skye at the time. The shadowy figure of 'bikerboy' (who still holds a grudge about being docked a mark for the incorrect capitalisation of Qo'noS) is also thought to be involved in the coup which saw Excelsior replaced by a triumvirate of B00, ummm and mccfluff - now trading as BumFluff Quizzes >

Avatars R Us - owner and Chief Executive of this popular internet startup business - mission statement - "An Avatar a Day Keeps the Talbots Away" (2012 -)