Ex husband taking advantage

[Dreaming]

Hi all, dont know if I should of posted this one here, or in parenting, but here goes. I have been separated (still waiting for divorce to finalise!) have kept amicable with ex husband as we have 4 children. But all this time I feel he takes advantage. Gives me my maintenance on a 2 weekly basis instead of monthly as I have asked. When he comes to pick the kids up every other week, if I am upstairs, he just lets himself in, uses my loo. If there is food about he will pick at it. And on Christmas day he asks if he can pop over to see the kids and their presents (he has no idea what they have as I buy them all) If I say no about Christmas, he makes me feel guilty by saying stuff like he will have to go to McDonalds for his dinner. Am I being totally unreasonable, and a whinger. I know you all will be totally honest. So prepared for the worst!...........Sorry to waffle on .........

[Vics]

Hey Dreaming. Immediately I read this I thought Yes a whinger Yes unreasonable and Yes - prepare for the worst!! On the one hand you should be glad he pays an interest in the kids at Christmas and I assume that it is still technically his house also - so that is why he is letting himself in. Going to the loo - well let's let him do that! Payment - be very grateful that you are paid.

HOWEVER I can see why the letting himself in annoys you. You perhaps haven't made the ground rules firm enough. Ie just ask him to ring on the door when he calls round (after all you may have a male friend with you). This is a big pride pill to swallow for a man however as it makes them feel they have lost "their" house as well as their family. Good Luck. Vics X

[Dreaming]

HI Vics, sorry didnt make myself clear. Not this is not his house. Its mine. He has his own. He lives about 10 mins drive from me and see his children, 4 nights a month. Yes he does pay maintenance, and yes I am lucky. Christmas is always down to me to pay and the hard bit "find" the presents for the kids. His wanting to turn up on Christmas day is to be honest, so he can have a meal here.......Thanks for your honest opinion. I really am not a whinger. :)

[jno]

Sounds like he's trying to assert some sort of authority he no longer has - perhaps to impress the kids? He's being petty rather than obnoxious, and that's a good thing; but you do have a right to your own life now, and a right to lay down some limits as to what he can do. Why not change the locks and tell him that this year it's his turn to cook Christmas dinner for you? He might do it, or he might not try it on again. Either way you'll have asserted your authority, but not so aggressively you risk alienating him from the children.

[jno]

sorry, just seen you got similar advice on your followup question

[woofgang]

Difficult one. Its petty stuff but I can understand your annoyance...also need to think about what he will say and how it will appear to the kids if you retaliate.

Of course there are all kinds of reasons why you might need to change the front door lock...and forget to give him a spare and yes, its your house, he shouldn't just walk in.

The McDonalds thing is just silly...or does his house not have a kitchen? would suggest a "ha ha funny Daddy" response to this and a counter suggestion that he should have the kids at his on boxing day to enjoy lunch together (bet the kids would LOVE McDonalds if its open) and have their gifts from him (yes I know what you said, this is about putting the subtle boot in, probably best not to say this in front of them.)

Once Christmas is over maybe an honest private conversation on neutral ground detailing what is annoying you and saying that it is time for you both to start to move on ready for the divorce finalisation. Don't want to give details but it isn't the first or second time that I have heard of this type of "cake and eat it" behaviour from the male half of a split up couple.

It also strkes me that there may be some escalation going on here...first little liberties, then bigger ones, kind of establishing control?

Also depends a bit on the age of the kids and what they can understand, what they think of their Dad.

[lady_p_gold]

Well I am assuming he used to live there ... whatever, in his mind it is still the family and whereas I am sure he would not just walk in on anther family and use their loo and pick at food etc. it is not dawning on him that he is now a 'visitor'. So I think that you just need to sit down and try very hard to keep your amicable relationship and say that you feel it is now your own space and you would appreciate him knocking at the door when he arrives. As for the loo and the food I think it might be better for the children if they see him as their dad who is still one of the family and I think you are maybe being a bit strict there. If my ex husband (of twenty years) came round I would not expect him to have to ask to use the loo although he might just ask, however I would not be offended if he didn't. And it isn't much fun taking your kids to McDonalds there is a 'McDonalds' dad' syndrome which a lot of people find hurtful. To summarise, knowing what some fathers do (i.e. my friend whose husband has screamed at their children that their mother is a tart and has ruined the family, and divided the family irreperably and hidden all the money in accounts and given her practically nothing) I think you should build on what you have for the children's sake and keep the friendship between you at all costs. Then ..as I did last week .. you can all go to your children's graduation together as a unit and have a lovely day as we did. Its the easier option! PS There are hundreds of dads in the world who play no part in buying presents !!

[kick3m0n]

change the locks, DON'T give him a key and make him buy his kids some bl00dy Christmas presents. Stop being a doormat and set some firm rules and stick to them. As you point out in your question title, he IS taking advantage, but only because you let him.

[funnywebsite]

So you are now getting assertive and decided to sort out your other ex. Good thing.

1/ You need to ask him for his key back. He does not live there anymore so shouldn't be able to just walk in.

2/ Using the loo, not too much you can say on this one, annoying but visitors need to go sometimes so maybe let this one go.

3/ Picking at food is very cheeky and you need to mention the fact "excuse me I had that in mind for dinner for later or that is my food I just bought for me and the kids"

4/ Why does he not bring any presents for the kids? Strange one here! He should have his own presents.

5/ Xmas dinner. If you don't want him there then you are going to have to be blunt. Not easy for you because you have been letting him get away with it for a while. I cannot advise on this, only you can decide if enough is enough for you. You could come up with an excuse i.e white lie that you are going to someone else's house but with 4 kids one is going to accidentally squeal you up so that is out of the window. Maybe you could say you are run down and need a quiet Xmas on your own with just you and the kids so please not this year. That might work. He won't know that there won't be a next year, you are just talking about this year.

I would say let him come round on Xmas day to bring HIS presents. Maybe he can take them out to the park for a couple of hours and then drop them off and go.

[Vics]

Hi Dreaming. I did write an answeer straight back last night - but it appears to have got lost. I was thinking that you just need to make some clearer ground rules between the 2 of you. Being your house puts a very different perspective on it and I would be ****** off he an ex just entered. It is fairer on the children if he knocks and fairer on you if you meet someone else (new man won't be too pleased with the ex just entering in the middle of a smooch!!). I would speak to him and set a new rule as opposed to changing the locks without him knowing(as that is being petty).

As far as presents and Christmas go - perhaps just grit your teeth and bite your tongue for this Xmas (as only 3 weeks away) but make a mental note to definitely change the Christmas situation for next year.

....and no I don't think you are whinging - It is the men that drive us to it (Hi all you lovely AB men out there!!). Good Luck Dreaming - Be confident. Vics X

[Scarlett]

Hi!

Sorry, but I don't think he is being unreasonable. You are aiming to have a good friends relationship- for the sake of the kids. They would not want their Dad to have to act like a visitor in the house they used to share with him. They would find him picking at food rather comforting- also if you yelled at him for doing so!

At least he is giving you maintenance! Can't you hide it for 2 weeks, or ask him to pay it into an account for you every 2 weeks if he insists?

He should absolutely be allowed to come over on Christmas Day. The kids would want that too. If he does not buy any presents- ask him to! tell them what they want and get him to go shopping for them. if it's any consolation, my Dad doesn't even sign xmas or birthday cards!! My Mum does. AND she buys all the pressies and wraps them up. I think that is a "Dad" thing.

I can understand though, that is not fair that he lets himself in. He needs to respect your single-ness, and ring the bell. Tell him it is not appropriate- that you might have a "guest" for all he knows!! He should respect your privacy now that you are no longer together.

Sounds like he is just having trouble adjusting. As soon as one of you meets someone else, this will change the dynamic anyway. Let him get used to the break up and try and be tolerant. He is only a man after all!! (Sorry chaps!)

[Dreaming]

Thank you all for your advice and opinions. I really havent made myself clear at all in the question. And its fustrating to me, as I have done EVERYTHING possible to keep things amicable between us. Just came back from my daughter doing her electric guitar debut at the school concert. He doesnt want to come to any of those sort of things. As for the house. This house was not the matrimonial home, its always been mine and the childrens house. He does not have a key. He has his own house. As for cooking Christmas dinner or having his kids boxing day. He never cooks at Christmas, and every Boxing day, he goes to his mothers and takes the children with him. I am sorry my posting has come across as me being petty and unreasonable. It is totally not like that. And as for maintenance. I dont see why I should be grateful. They are his kids. And he doesnt pay much. Has not increased it for 7 years. Anyway, thanks for your replies.

[Dreaming]

Just want to say, Scarlett, thanks for replying. Just to give you some idea of my ex husbands selfishness. He see his children every other weekend (he can see them any time he wants) he lives in the same town. But on Friday when he picks them up, even though he has had the last 10 nights to himself, he goes to the pub, comes here smelling of beer. I have already fed the children before he comes and he does not get here much before 7 when he finishes work at 5 (self employed) Just wanted to clarify things a bit. Sort of wish I had not posted this question now. But hey ho. Too late! x

[jno]

don't be sorry Dreaming. Some of the responses sort of suggest you should cut him a lot of slack to make it look good for the kids. But you've been separated for years; better the kids should understand that it's not the same as being married, where parents own a house equally and come and go as they please. I don't think it's worth going to war over, but I do think you should change the locks, go ahead with the divorce, and tell him to enjoy his Big Mac on the 25th. Good luck!

[Paul22118]

Dear Dreaming,

Just logged on to scan the bits and found your question to be really interesting. I have worked with a lot of guys who have found themselves in your husbands position and they all deal with it differently. Everybody's circumstance of break up are different and of course our own attitudes are different.

May I say don NOT regret posting this question the page is full of solid advice which you must read and re-read. For the future draft out any complex question giving the big picture.

In my opinion to sum up. Change the door lock and make it no one elses. Tell him you want money when you want it as they are his children. I agree you should be grateful that he is giving money BUT he should. Christmas is something he gave up when he gave you up. The kids dont live with him they live with YOU.

Firm up and sensibly and gently lay your rules down. If he does not like it tough. No ex with no hassle is better than an ex who is still there.

Keep us (your friends) informed. Good luck.