Put downs

[parkie]

I went to Kent yesterday for my nephew's wedding.
Had a brilliant time but the groom's speech, which was one of the best I've ever heard, kept being interrupted by someone who'd had too much to drink and it was spoiling it for the rest of us.
In the end, my nephew, who is a teacher, looked hard at the heckler and said, "You are just one more comment away from being put on the naughty step".
This was followed by cheers and applause from everyone else and shut the heckler up.

Anyone else know of any good 'put downs'?

[nailit]

Is it true that you were so ugly as a baby that your incubator had tinted windows? Is that your nose or are you eating a banana? If I had a face like yours I would sue my parents.

[mike11111]

Queen Mary, (to a young Princess Elizabeth, out on a trip with the even younger Princess Margaret who asked, "Granny, why have all these people come to see us?)

"They have not come to see you, they have come to see me!"

[NoMercy]

Do you have a diarrhoea of words and a constipation of ideas?

[Duncer]

Off the top of my head,

Your teeth are nice, can you get them in white?

You've got nice eyes, especially the middle one.

You want twenty pence to phone a friend, here's forty, phone them all.

Anyone with taxis ordered, you can now cancel them. This idiot is taking his teeth out and putting seats in, then he'll take us all home.

Did your mother have any children that weren't damaged?

If brains were dynamite you wouldn't have enough to fart.

Why have people think you're stupid when you can open your mouth and prove it?

[parkie]

Thanks excelsior-1.
I appreciate it.

[Kerosene]

Another Billy Connolly one: "Haw, pal, does your mammy know yer oot?"

Or: "If you had a brain you'd be dangerous."

Or: "You're about as useful as a fart in a trance"

[Kerosene]

Or, a famous Glasgow one when a young man spies a damsel standing by herself beside the dance floor:

Him : "Haw, hen, urr ye dancin' " ?

Her : "Naw, it's just the way ah'm staunin' " !