Worried, but can only sit back and watch!

[droopydrawers]

I have a 25 year old grandson with whom I have always been very close.

He was in a 4 year relationship with someone who went off with someone else leaving him devastated. He loved her and lost so much weight for a few months but gradually got on with his life.

18 months ago he met someone else and they now rent a house together and until yesterday I was so happy for them and the wedding they have planned for next year.

To keep the story short, his job takes all over the east of the country. Its hard physical work and sometimes necessitates staying away from home 4 nights a week. If at all possible he drives up to 90 miles each way to be home with her. This means a possible a 5am start and often not getting home til gone 7-8 ish.
I now discover they have been having serious arguments because the girl [same age] rants at him for not being home when he may have anticipated if the current job hasn't gone to plan or taken longer that expected. Sometimes her rant starts with phone calls in the morning and he says he them worries all day about getting home to her.

One of these rows happened on Friday when he got home so he turned round and went off out..maybe not the right thing to do but he says he had had enough for one day and needed to clear his head.
He went to a friends and stayed overnight. During this time his battery run out on his phone.

She rang me asking if he was here which he wasn't. We ended up passing a few txt with me trying to keep her calm while I tried to contact him by phone. Around 9 he answered me and said he was ok and at a mates,and his battery was about to run out but please don't worry about me we will talk it through tomorrow. I told his fiancee this and if she wanted to she could contact me anytime even during the night if it would help her.
At 6am I get a txt from her asking if I would go to their house when she finished work to act as a mediator, as she didn't want to argue....

I did as asked....we walked in and he was doing the ironing. She went for him ranting and raving when she clearly said she wanted to talk. After an hour she was wondering if she even wanted to be with him or married.
He offered to change his work and re-train to do something different.

She lost her father 2 years ago and continually says she is still grieving and having a wedding without him there is going to be the hardest thing ever. I can sympathise with her but life has to go on. I lost my own father at the same age tho many years ago so know its hard to lose a parent at any age especially for young people.

I wish I didn't know any of this but I do and had 2 sleepless nights now worrying.

I don't expect anyone to suggest a solution but needed to write it down.

[Anngel]

This is a horrible situation to be in. It surprises me that , if the girlfriend is a mediator, she is not better able to speak calmly about her issues. It is hard to do but it may be best just to leave them to it, with the proviso that if the grandson needs to talk you are there for him. It is not up to you to support the girlfriend. She does sound like grief counselling might be an idea but this is hard to suggest. Do you know her family? Maybe you could let them know that you are worried but not give specific details...

[Anngel]

Just saw, she was asking you to be mediator. Sorry wrong end of the stick!

[droopydrawers]

Thank you anngel. Apparently she has had counselling and considers she has done well from it. I beg to differ and wouldn't dare suggest otherwise.

DD

[maggiebee]

Sounds like she's being a tad unreasonable, but it's very difficult to judge if you're not in that situation. She sounds a bit insecure and probably needs some reassurance, but they really need to sit down and work it out. You don't want your grandson to become a doormat where she calls the shots all the time so compromise may be called for. Sorry I'm not much help but sometimes it's good just to get it off your chest.

[droopydrawers]

Thank you maggibee.

You're right, I was just getting it off my chest. Hopefully it will work out. I'd hate for him to be badly hurt again and until yesterday I thought she was such a lovely girl.

I am disliking myself now for the feelings she has instilled in me. DD

[joeluke]

She sounds very immature and unreasonable, grandson needs to put his foot down and not let her rant all the time

[droopydrawers]

Thank you joeluke I think you may well be right. The more I have thought about her today I am starting to get angry and thinking of all the things I ought to have said at the time.

I need to calm down now.lol

DD

[B00]

To be blunt ,they both sound selfish.

Why are they involving you in their petty squabbles? Tell them both to get a grip and sort it out themselves, without involving you at all.

[Smowball]

Thats very hard driving up to 90 miles each way just to get home to be with her - he must be exhausted!

[mallyh]

my son was in a relationship where the girl wanted to know where and who he was with all the time he turned into a very unhappy person ,thankgoodness after 4 years they split up ,after a while he met another girl shes lovely and to date hes back to ahappy contented person .i hope things work out for your grandson its horrible having to stand back and watch things like this.