Death of ex.

[parkie]

My brother is really gutted.
His ex-wife died of cancer yesterday and he wants to go to the funeral to support his three sons.
Although he doesn't think her new husband would object, her 97 year old father is adamant he doesn't want him there.
The divorce was acrimonious to say the least.
A difficult situation.

[Psybbo]

Tell him to go

[woofgang]

so sorry to hear that. A difficult situation as you say. Could he talk to her husband about it? maybe there is some way he could spend some time with his sons on the day and before the funeral?

[maggiebee]

Hard one to call parkdale. When my ex husband died I really had no intentions of attending the funeral. However, my son and daughter asked me to be there so in the end I went. Turned out OK meeting all my ex in-laws who made me feel very welcome. Think it's perfectly understandable that your brother wants to support his sons and he should, in spite of what his ex father-in-law thinks.

[gness]

Difficult isn't it Parkdale? I am going to the funeral of my ex mother in law next week. All will be fine except maybe for my ex husband's wife who finds it hard to communicate with me. Times we should rise above it don't you think especially for your brother's sons?

[lcg]

i think he should go for his sons - the father needs to butt out and swallow it for a day. he has every right to go....churches are public places.

[ummmm]

If the divorce was acrimonious I think her 97 year old fathers feelings should be taken into consideration.

[sherrardk]

He should go and I applaud him for it. He is going for his sons which is to be commended. Ok, the ex- father in law is old and obviously grieving his daughter but your friend has a role to play too.

[Mammar]

Has he asked his sons what they would like him to do? (presuming they are old enough to decide on such a delicate situation)

[parkie]

The thing is, the father has been living with his daughter and new son-in-law for a few years and of course they are still living in the same house now she has gone, so obviously the SIL wants to keep FIL sweet. He's between a rock and a hard place if he says 'yes' to my brother and upsets the FIL even more.
My older brother and I, along with our wives, went to our nephew's wedding a couple of months ago and got on really well with granddad so are suggesting we attend the funeral in our younger brother's place to give the support needed to our nephews. Our younger brother seems to think this is a good idea and a possible solution, even if not an ideal one for him.

[ummmm]

I think that's the best compromise. No one expects to out live their children, you want to avoid upsetting him more.

[woofgang]

parkdale that sounds like a good and kind solution. It must be hard on the old man to have lost a daughter, i think its always sadder when a parent outlives their child.

[parkie]

The sons have been asked and want their dad to go, but they love their granddad as well as their dad and doesn't want to upset the old fella even more.
I'm sure it will all resolve itself in the end.

[parkie]

doesn't? don't.

[parkie]

Thank you for all your comments.
I'll let you all know what happens.

[Dee Sa]

I went to my exs funeral, so did my husband we all got on though, I even wrote the eulogy for my son to read, no awkward moments as we had visited every time he was in hospital.

[boxtops]

Could he go, but stay in the background (and not necessarily go to the wake)? He was part of the family, he loved her, they had children together - he has some "right" to be there, IMO.

Gness, I anticipate the same problem for me in future - I'd like to go to my ex-FIL's funeral when the time comes, but ex and I have been apart for 25 years. I don't want to cause waves but I am still friendly with the rest of the family.

[starone]

The trouble here is the ex fil has only heard, or even wanted to hear his daughter's side of the acrimonious divorce. It was probably six of one and half a dozen of the other - it usually is - but he does not want to know your brother's side and he will never forgive him. He cannot go to the wake - that is a private thing and he has not been invited but there is no reason why he cannot go to the service. However, it might be expedient for him to stay in the background and of course he will not be able to sit in the front of the gathering, which is reserved for the family of the deceased. As he has been divorced he is no longer considered to be family.