Gorgeous man...with child

[Vics]

Well I guess I am the only one who can answer this question but I would value advice from males and females here.

In a nutshell I am 37. met a man 1.5 years ago, divorced with a daughter of 4. Initially everything was great - but the last 6 months things have just waned dramatically - mainly due to me. I just can't see the day when my gut instinct will allow him and his daughter (she stays over with him once a week) to move into mine. ( he is renting at mo). I admit - I am probably selfish, want all the attention myself etc!! - I can't bear the doting relationship he has with his daughter - ie, never telling her off. I thought my feelings would get better - but as time goes on they get worse and I find myself thinking if only he didn't have a daughter.(which is terrible ) Note It's not the daughter per se - just the concept of someone elses child. Also , due to his child he stays in a lot and I find that it is me arranging all of the social dos and maintaining friends etc.

I then think am I being a bitch!! Am I?? I never thought I would be in this situation let alone sharing it with you guys!! But you have great pearls of wisdom to offer....... Perhaps the main thing is I would like to move out of this area - whereas he can't/won't for the next 14 years because of his child - which is fair enough. We have spoken - but just go round in circles. Oh Lordy loo - what shall I do?? I tried saying it was over last week - but he just wouldn't take it, got very down and blamed our lack of passion on my dog as opposed to his child!! When I re read this it does sound as though I am Cruella De Ville - but any straight talking answers will be very appreciated - . Vics (in a bit of a turmoil) x

[Coobeastie]

Hey Vics don't feel down on yourself.

You both obviously feel very passionate about the way you both live and thats nothing to be ashamed off.

But to be blunt from what you have described I'd say that you'd be better of in the long run parting company whilst things are good you'll only regret it in the long run.

[parkers]

Hi Vics, I always said that I would never get into a relationship with a man 'with child' but I did, he was 35 and had 2 children. I would say that I was quite a children person, but I actually started hating these children, everything they said or did, the way they ate, the way they talked, it turned me into a person I didn't like. Their Dad spoiled them rotten - not wanting to tell them off, or make them eat their dinner, or sit up at the table properly... It was terrible, I would dread every moment of being in their company, and to be honest I am sure that they knew this, and played up on it even more, little sly looks etc.. I didn't want to leave him and it dragged out for a long time.. I basically just thought one morning that enough was enough, this wasn't the life that I want and so ended the relationship, it wasn't nice but, after a while I felt as though a huge weight had been lifted. I realised that he was virtually obsessed with his children and that I was never going to come anywhere near!

I then swore that I would never ever get involved with a man with children again. Until just over a year ago I met a fantasitc man who has a 7 year old child and I am so happy, I even helped fight for custody of her, which we now have.. I have never ever had any of the feelings in this relationship that I had with the previous. I genuinely look forward to seeing her and spending my time with her.

I think what it boils down to is that this Man and his child just aren't right for you, if they were then you wouldn't be feeling like this... I wasted over 2 years trying to accept his children and trying to be the woman I thought he wanted, sad I know, but I am able to look back and realise, I never thought that I would be the happiest that I have ever been with a man who has a child... Have a think about what you really want, how would you feel if in say 6 months you feel the same as you do now - will you be happy?

[Scarlett]

It sounds to me like this is just not the right relationship for you. There are too many complications. And you deserve to get all the attention from your man- at least until your own kids come along, if they do. My friend married a man who already had one small daughter. Now, 10 years later, they are splitting up. She never was able to get on with the daughter, and always resented her. She felt her husband was "spoiled goods". Looking back, she should have addressed these feelings at the start. The little girl is now a 15 year old with many issues, and appallingly bad behaviour. My friend was ALWAYS horrible to this child even though she could never see it herself.

I feel you should call it a day, and try and find someone who can give you the attention you deserve!

[funnywebsite]

Sounds like you need a clean break. If you don't like his kid now I doubt it will get any better.

Don't let him move in as you will be stuck with both of them and feel it is not your house any more. He will take over and it won't be your place.

Make the break now before it is too late and this is the story of your life.

I don't like the idea that he was blaming your dog on the lack of passion though. It spells even more trouble if he starts picking on the dog.

Don't feel bad, there are plenty of fish in the sea to find in the near future. You are not being cruel, you are speaking from your heart and you need saving.

[boobesque]

unfortunately i dont think this is the right relationship for you, i have a child myself and the rule has alway been that we come as a package, you cant have one without the other, and if this bloke is as decent as he sounds, then his daughter will undoubtedly come first. You need to think whats best for all in this situation and it seems that you want and need a man that has no ties and can lavish his attention on you, you will find someone!

[Drusilla]

I also believe this is the wrong relationship for you and boobesque's answer is similar to my way of thinking. I believe you are right to address your behaviour on this issue and recognise its potential to cause problems in the future.
It is perfectly natural to want to be the centre of attention in a relationship and most of us happily accept a degree of displacement when we have children with our partner, but to have that displacement thrust upon us by someone else's children brings out the more primitive aspects in our nature and punctures our civilised veneer.
It could be worse! Many animals, including lions kill the offspring of other 'partners' and you're nowhere near that, I hope!!!! :-)

[sandyg2244]

i have been in same situation except i had a child too.it can cause petty jealousies and bitterness.

I guess, and its only my opinion, you have to ask yourself whether you love this man enough to make the sacrifices involved.The fact is his daughter is and should be his first priority.if you love him enough, you could withstand the feelings you have.you're not cruella de ville, beleive it or not, these feelings are quite natuarl for a lot of people unless they are complete saints.but at some point you have to decide whether its worth it.if not walk away, because your discontentment will eventually drive a wedge between you anyway.hope you make the right choice.

[Dassie]

Maybe time to call it a day. Think further along the line......when this child needs this, that and the other as all daughters do later life, maybe money for a car etc, then are you going to be happy basically handing over your earnings to provide for this child ? It will only feel better when the daughter is standing on her own two feet and that's a long way away. Good luck

[Vics]

Hi All. Just to say a big thank you for responding. I won't individually rate your answers - I'll just give you all 5 stars and a big hug!! I would love to invite you all round for a cup of tea and a natter.- then progressing to alcohol perhaps!!

I think , for me , it was really nice to hear objective points of view and that my feelings are perfectly natural and the consensus is is that I am NOT Cruella de Ville (phew).

The phrases that particularly struck me and helped :-Coobeastie - your first line really boosted me. Parkers - It turned me into a person I didn't like - yep. Scarlet - you deserve to get all the attention from your man. Funny - make the break now - before this is the story of your life. Boobesque - His daughter will undoubtedly come first - yep - I agree and I think that is why I have to back out . Drusilla - Brings out the more primitive aspects in us - Yep - I never thought I would be jealous of a 4 year old!!! Sandy - These feelings are quite natural unless you are a complete saint. Dassie - That's a long way away!!

Parkers - a question - What do you think it was in the second relationship with a child that was better? Do you think by then you knew what to look out for - Ie not too much doting/spoiling etc.

Thanks again everyone. Vics X

[parkers]

Hi, good question. My partner now spoils his child equally if not more than the previous, she is also allowed to get away with a whole lot more. I just feel completely different towards her Dad, I have realised just how bad the relationship was that I was in and I was blaming it all on the children, or on his relationship with his children. The child will always be there and I think that even if you can start to try and like the child you will never forget how you have felt in the past. And as she gets older it will get worse. My previous partner tried to keep me and his children separate, to a certain extent whereas the guy who I am with now sees as a complete family unit, she respects me as a parent and I take the role of parent. Whereas previously I couldn't even bare to look at them...

I can only see this getting worse, it really will.. I used to feel a burning hatred inside me and it really is awful.. you are just delaying the inevitable... be strong and think about what YOU really want, and if you can't accept them both then you can't have either.. Be strong