Any Step - Parents Out There??

[jd_1984]

Do you think being a step-parent is harder than being a parent?
I feel that I am only just getting to grips with family life, I moved in with my partner and her toddler son 6 months ago. I thought that I was ready as we had been together 14 months and I was introduced to the child after 2 months and we hit it off. But everything changes when you live together and it made me think... should we have done this so early on?

I was always mis-reading his behaviour and I was frustrated not to have the close bond that he and his mum have. The child was the single thing that we would fall out about as we were not understanding each others feelings towards the child and the new situation. Now we are in a fairly settled routine but I cant help but think it would be easier if the child was mine. We also have added stress from the "part time" father who comes in and out of his life when he can be bothered and contributes nothing financially.

I feel that I invest a lot of time into the child but he adores his dad and is too young to realise who is actually there for him so I find it un rewarding at times. He will grow up I know, the way a 4 year old measures love is different to knowing who is actually providing for him. I would never see him go without but I do feel the step - parent role is a tough one. I love his mum to bits and it works most days, it is worth the sacrifices I have made to stabalise this new little family, but tough some days

[Lisa_Louise]

Snafu03 You are right about resentment. I took on my husbands son 13 years ago, when he was 5. My husband had been through a bitter divorce and was very protective of his son. Although I do understand that his son was his everything but then where was I going to fit in?! His son used to create for his dad's attention so we had to drop whatever we were doing so he could go see about his son. His son was put first through EVERYTHING whilst my thoughts and feelings were always put aside. I have been silently resenting that boy ever since. He is now 18 and I cannot stand the way he is. The way he thinks all the women think he's the best thing, like the fact that he always has to be right, playing away behind his gf's back, sending sexual pictures to other girls, his wanting to go out and drink and party all the time, even down to coming round here just to eat our food when we are struggling to keep our heads above water (he lives with his mum and step-dad and are rather well off thanks to my husband who is now broke - long story!)

So yes, being a step-parent and not having any say in anything and not being an equal parent is very hard and I wouldn't recommend it to anyone unless it will be absolutely 100% fair, honest and equal.

[jd_1984]

Its hard for me to resent a 4 year old who despite his age has adapted well to many changes. Lisa it sounds like your step son is a real handfull, I hope my partners little one will grow up and be mature enough to accept he has a mum, a dad but that they will have new partners who dont want to replace a role but will invent a new role almost for themselves.
I have secretly wondered how things would be if she wasnt a single mum, if it was just us. But thinking that way can only breed resentment, the situation is what it is. I wasnt naive when we got together, I realised that despite my love for her and my acceptance of her son (which has turned into a bond, perhaps not love yet) I would be second best in all areas. But our relationship is fantastic, as I said we only disagree about the boy because she has parental love and I get frustrated that a. I dont always understand what the boy needs b. I mis-interpret his behaviour c. He is starting to play us off against each other. She will agree with me infront of him to show a united front but then when he goes to bed will tell me I was wrong in how i delt with the particular situation. Dont get me wrong it isnt all the time, a lot of the time we get the balance spot on.
Last night though, he acted up when I was getting him in his pyjamas and told me he hates me (i dont take it to heart its because he didnt want to go to bed). His mum came home and he ran up to her saying he hated me and he only loves his mum. He gave his mum a big hug (facing me) and gave me a smile as if to say "Ha I won, she loves me". Now some may say he is 4 he wouldnt have been that crafty - but beleive me they can be so clever when it suits them. Now I have the maturity to not rise to it, infact a giggled to myself. I would often play my parents off (im told) kids will do this. There are many times he says he loves me and any time we spend together is usually full of laughter and fun, no resentment either way. But on the odd occassion I do wonder how we would be if it was just me and my partner.... thats normal though??

[mazie]

It's not just the two of you though jd...And from all you have said, I think you are dealing with it brilliantly. If I had a fiver every time my Daughter told me she hated me, I'd be rich. I wish you all a very Merry Christmas and keep up the good work xx

[jd_1984]

Thanks Mazie. Its nice to know others have experience of this, one of the uses of this site is that you realise you are not alone, for that im grateful! Merry xmas to you also

[TWR]

You can do no more than "Do your best" J.D. been there 25 years & seen the vidio.

[Traci66]

I am both a mother and a step mother. My step children were 13 and 6 when I came into their life. Their own mother was quick to hand over custody of her children when she realised that me and her ex were for keeps. The daughter who was the elder of the children quickly accepted me and I love her as if she was my own, the son however was a completely different case, and still is 20 years later. He has never accepted me into his fathers life (my oh and his ex split four years before I met him, so it's nothing to do with that). I tried for so long and so hard with him, I do love him, but maybe not in the same way as I love his sister, in fact I have a better relationship with my step daughter than I do with one of my own daughters. It has been very hard over the years, but I wouldn't change a thing.

[evedawn]

Lisa-Louise and tracie I can identify with bits of what each of you said! I lived husband so and our marriage is good but .., looking back if I know now what I didn't know all those years ago about step kids is have run for the hills.

[evedawn]

^^typo^^ should say *love* my husband not lived

[Smowball]

Yes, it is very difficult indeed.