What Should I Do About My Friend?

[themixer]

I have basically one or at most two friends. I lost most of the small amount I had before when I had embarrassing health problems three years ago which also made me unemployed and practically drop out of society.

One guy who I saw every few weeks turned out to be a lifesaver at first and would see me often and even visited me in hospital when no one else did bar my mum. I started to meet him more often and I suppose he became my best friend. However he has many faults and even before this all happened I had been on holiday with him and he had ended up hitting me just when I eventually responded to his petty jibes.

To summarise he has many faults and it's pissing me off. I will list the pros and cons and you can tell me what you think?

Pros
Helped me with social support when virtually no one else did
Is good to talk to about sport and stuff and for a sense of social contact
Isn't judgemental about my health problems
Offers companionship and the chance to do things with
Have known for a decade

Cons
Can be bullying and has a ridiculous temper, frequently starts raising his voice when we are out over trivial stuff and will have a go at bar staff, shop staff etc for perceived bad attitude when non existed.
Is extremely jealous of me socialising with any one else
Is lazy and hasn't worked for 2 1/2 years despite job offers, lives with his dad and has no expenses and prefers spending half the week in the pub
Is a bit boring
Can frequently be racist
Has no self awareness or ever accepts he is wrong about anything


What should I do? I meet the guy every week and while I sometimes enjoy it if I said meet less frequently he would go mad. We have arguments every month and he is quick to pick fights over the most trivial crap or perceived slights.

The problem is my only other 'friend' who I previously regarded as my best friend barely ever contacts me after a two year absence when I was ill, and now I meet him every two months or less, more often than not after I have had to instigate it.

I am going to volunteer this year and see if the new socialising might help. Any thoughts?

[jd_1984]

Speak to friend (1) about the issues in the cons list as he appears to have good friendship qualities and if your concerns are aired, could strengthen your friendship in the long run. Friends need to feel comfortable being honest with one another. Friend (2) hasnt been around much but may still have friendship to offer, again speak to this friend and air your opinion.
Yes, volunteer work may open up a new social circle for you. I have found that friends can come and go for whatever reason, the 2 or 3 guys I regard as my best friends, I didnt even know them 6 or 7 years ago and I never speak to school friends or childhood friends as we all moved on in different directions.

[Old_Geezer]

Everyone has both good and bad aspects to their character (saints a possible exception) but you need to feel comfortable about an individual who is to be your friend. Especially if they are possibly more (as the jealousy thing suggests). However it sounds to me as if the fights are more than you should be putting up with, regardless of whatever he has done for you in the past. Talk it over by all means but my personal opinion is that the issues seem rather deep rooted, so best of luck finding a compromise you both could accept.

I suspect your best course of action will prove to be to widen your circle of friends and let your friendship with the guy you mention gradually reduce/become more distant. It's nice to keep contact with old friends but the "other friend" you mention doesn't sound a solution to your present relationship to me. See what the New Year and New Socialising brings.

[Dee Sa]

if you start dreading going out with someone in case "they start" then its time to tell them why you are reluctant to go and as for hitting you friends just dont do that, I think its time to move on and make new friends and being a volunteer should help you to do this.Have you got a low esteem because of your previous illness ? is there not someone you could talk this over with ? you have taken the first step by recognising the problem and asking A/Bers advice I hope things go well for you.

[joko]

i agree... speak to him. tell him the problem. but dont be blaming and accusatory etc as that will just get him defensive

he may have a temper - which is wrong, but asa you say he has been there for you ... which is good.

i think whatver happens try to lessen your time with him ... but dont cut him off completely.

could you perhaps get your other friend to come too? maybe the 3 of you will make it easier for you to speak to him - but make sure your other friend does not get involved and speak - he should stay quiet and just 'be there', as it will seem like ganging up on him

[joko]

sorry didnt notice the hitting bit - do not let him do that - tell him straight if he does it again, you will never see him again... and mean it