News31 mins ago
A Daughter's Wedding ...
37 Answers
Our daughter [44] rang last week to say her partner had asked her to marry him, then suggested that as they were planning a o/s trip later this year, that they get married while away,
They have been together for nearly two years and have bought a house together, and she's very happy with him, but I was appalled by this arrangement as I think most parents would like to be present at their daughter's wedding .... it's her first marriage, his second, but she hadn't seemed to consider that other people might be upset by these plans.
She rang again this evening with details about her engagement ring and said she'd let her friends know and when I gently tried to bring up the subject of where they would marry, she seemed surprised that I hadn't just accepted his decisions and said 'I was taking the shine off their plans'
Am I over-reacting to this ? I've never felt so gutted in my life and I fear this may affect our relationship especially with her partner as I feel he's exploiting the fact that she wouldn't want a massive fuss and expense which I can understand
I've suggested that she could speak to him about this further, and also that a small ceremony with just parents present here before they go o/s ... any suggestions, please
They have been together for nearly two years and have bought a house together, and she's very happy with him, but I was appalled by this arrangement as I think most parents would like to be present at their daughter's wedding .... it's her first marriage, his second, but she hadn't seemed to consider that other people might be upset by these plans.
She rang again this evening with details about her engagement ring and said she'd let her friends know and when I gently tried to bring up the subject of where they would marry, she seemed surprised that I hadn't just accepted his decisions and said 'I was taking the shine off their plans'
Am I over-reacting to this ? I've never felt so gutted in my life and I fear this may affect our relationship especially with her partner as I feel he's exploiting the fact that she wouldn't want a massive fuss and expense which I can understand
I've suggested that she could speak to him about this further, and also that a small ceremony with just parents present here before they go o/s ... any suggestions, please
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We went to Gretna green on valentines day, didn't tell a soul, we'd had 3 children by then, and neither of us wanted a fuss. So we got my mum to look after the little ones. Didn't say why, just we were wanting a few days away. The parents were not impressed. But at the end of the day it was what we wanted, least they told you of their plans, you could offer to throw a party when they get back. You need to accept this is what they want and it's not just her wedding but his as well. Do not let this cause a rift between you, offer to help with the plans and at least that way you'll be involved.
Hope it all works out.
Hope it all works out.
My first husband and I got married up north with a couple of friends there and then had a party at home. We had been planning a big wedding but it was causing all sorts of fallouts in the family and it just wasn't worth it - we couldn't possibly keep everyone else happy cos they all wanted different things. All parents knew what we were doing and were just happy for us. My sister went off and got married without telling a soul. Again my mum and dad were pleased for her. They may have been disappointed but they never let on - they realised it wasn't about them and it wasn't worth falling out over. You should be happy for your daughter and accept her decision - it's your job as a parent to support her and keep your personal disappoinment to yourself.
If you had a son who wanted to marry a foreign girl, you would accept that she wanted to be married where she grew up, and you would find the cost of the fare, and you'd travel to the wedding. My son married abroad, lots of people travelled to attend the wedding ( in Europe but very much off the beaten track) and everyone had a lovely time.
Otherwise, insist that they get married on Skype.
Otherwise, insist that they get married on Skype.
whilst i understand your disappointment, i have to agree with others that you no rights to expect it to be done in a way to suit you.
it has taken many years for people to get used to the idea that there is no 'right' way to get married, that the old fashioned way is just a tradition and that its ok to do it your own way.
i expect she told you you were ruining the buzz just because you were moaning at her, but you cannot change this and its not your place to 'accept' it.
i would just try to convince her to have a do when they get back.
it has taken many years for people to get used to the idea that there is no 'right' way to get married, that the old fashioned way is just a tradition and that its ok to do it your own way.
i expect she told you you were ruining the buzz just because you were moaning at her, but you cannot change this and its not your place to 'accept' it.
i would just try to convince her to have a do when they get back.
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My eldest daughter decided to get married in mexico and half expected all the family -including elderly grandparents- to fly out -she was very miffed when we said no we couldn't due to work commitments -especially as his family were all there. We had a family 'do' when they came to visit us and had a cake and everything -it all turned out well in the end -why not have a get together when they get back. FWIW OH and I got married with just the two witnesses and their partners as guests and we've been together 23 years -its just one day -let it go.
My friends daughter got married in Las Vegas (their choice!) and although my friend went, her husband didn't want to so obviously he couldn't give her away. When they came back, they booked a lovely venue here for a party so we could all go, and she wore her wedding dress so we could all see it.
Seekeerz I would be devastated if I had been unable to go to any of my daughters weddings but unfortunately if this is what they want I hope you will come to accept that. I do feel for you though x
Seekeerz I would be devastated if I had been unable to go to any of my daughters weddings but unfortunately if this is what they want I hope you will come to accept that. I do feel for you though x
thanks for all the replies, they've made some interesting reading and perhaps I should clarify a couple of things as I really wasn't thinking straight when I wrote.
The 'threat' was a joke - the money isn't an issue and our daughter knows that but when I made the suggestion, she laughed, nothing else, so no invite !!
They're planning to marry in California - what's the attraction ? and I would imagine you need witnesses - do you just grab someone off the street ?
There's a heap of 'history' but thats the case with most families and as our other daughter's very unlikely to ever marry, given her life choices which we also support, the likelihood of us ever attending a family wedding are a snowball in you know where
One thing I will say ... I have NOT moaned at my daughter, she's an adult and I respect her decisions however upsetting that may be to me but it's interesting to know some of the attitudes that now exist
I can only keep my fingers crossed that perhaps a change of plans/heart/whatever may come about
The 'threat' was a joke - the money isn't an issue and our daughter knows that but when I made the suggestion, she laughed, nothing else, so no invite !!
They're planning to marry in California - what's the attraction ? and I would imagine you need witnesses - do you just grab someone off the street ?
There's a heap of 'history' but thats the case with most families and as our other daughter's very unlikely to ever marry, given her life choices which we also support, the likelihood of us ever attending a family wedding are a snowball in you know where
One thing I will say ... I have NOT moaned at my daughter, she's an adult and I respect her decisions however upsetting that may be to me but it's interesting to know some of the attitudes that now exist
I can only keep my fingers crossed that perhaps a change of plans/heart/whatever may come about
you say you didnt moan at her - and in your mind maybe you didnt - but for her to say you were putting a downer on her buzz, implies she didnt see it like that ... she must have felt you were moaning ...
and if thats the case you must be careful not to make it so the thought of you and what you want puts a downer on the whole thing - because rather than making her change her mind, she may just resent you for it.
and if thats the case you must be careful not to make it so the thought of you and what you want puts a downer on the whole thing - because rather than making her change her mind, she may just resent you for it.
Seekeerz, I get the impression you are finding some of the comments here uncomfortable reading.
It is your daughters day and her say. I can think of many beautiful places down the PCH that would make a fabulous backdrop for a wedding.
You seem to have pinned your hopes on this daughter as your last chance to be mother of the bride. I'm sorry, but that may not happen, you will however always be your daughters mother.
It is your daughters day and her say. I can think of many beautiful places down the PCH that would make a fabulous backdrop for a wedding.
You seem to have pinned your hopes on this daughter as your last chance to be mother of the bride. I'm sorry, but that may not happen, you will however always be your daughters mother.
Ah seekeerz, I feel for you, any parent would want to be at their daughters big day, of course you are gutted, I'd be gutted too. She may come round to your idea, if not, you'll just have to keep schtum really, else you may harm your relationship.
A few years ago my friend was determined to get married in secret with just me and my husband as witnesses, we were very uncomfortable with it as we know both families well, I convinced her to change her mind a couple of weeks before the big day, she's glad she did as her dad got seriously ill a couple of years after with a terminal illness.
A few years ago my friend was determined to get married in secret with just me and my husband as witnesses, we were very uncomfortable with it as we know both families well, I convinced her to change her mind a couple of weeks before the big day, she's glad she did as her dad got seriously ill a couple of years after with a terminal illness.
(Along similar lines of already answered). Yes it's her (and the happy groom to be)wedding, etc...But. Sit down and have a really strong "only one mother"/daughter chat (yes, you are that desperate, go for it). Ask her why she doesn't think you deserve to share in "the happy, wonderful, best day of her life" plans, and as it's breaking your heart now, ask her to help the two of you arrange a weddingette /blessing/celebration, nearer home for you and others to be included in. (That way she'll also receive presents too!). Don't break the bond and don't break your heart (can I hear violins?)
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