my pregnant friend

[biscuitboy]

a friend of mine who is 3 months pregnant is obviously still smoking in secret, how can i get her to stop? If i confront her, she'll deny it and cause a massive row

[gary baldy]

Whats more important - upsetting this girl and having a massive row or the health and well being of an unborn child.
You should tell her in no uncertain terms what a selfish fool she is being and should also question whether you want to be friends with someone who does this to an innocent child.

[jbaxter]

http://www.givingupsmoking.co.uk/Smoking__Pregnancy/Smoking_and_pregnancy_QA/ could help you tackle this girl - the site acknowledges that it is difficult to give up. There is probably a leaflet at your local health clinic and you could get a copy and be reading it when you next meet her and tell her why!

[nfn]

from person expericence, tell her to stop NOW!

[BT76]

If your friend was going to stop smoking she would have done it the minute she found out she was pregnant. You should make your views on the matter known but i wouldnt hold out much hope of her packing in any time soon, saddly. If the fact that you are harming you own unborn flesh and blood isnt enough to make you pack in then nothing is...but you should still mention it.

[kick3m0n]

So what if it causes a massive row? She is actively damaging her baby!!!!! Stupid, irresponsible bitch. Gather together as much literature as possible (from health centre internet etc) that highlights the massive risks to her unborn baby from her hideously selfish actions. Bombard her with it on a daily basis and tell her just how appallling you think it is that any mother could actively damage their own childs health in this way. It might have some affect but to be honest, if she's so stupid and self centred that she's still smoking at 3 months, she's not going to stop, is she? Let's just hoep her baby doesn't have a very low birth weight, is born prematurely, develops lung problems, has poor brain development etc etc etc.

[ursula62]

Look at it from both sides:

If you have a massive row with her, then she will get distressed and consequently so will the baby. Do you consider that fair? If she continues smoking she will probably harm the child. Either way the unborn child suffers as it is totally dependent on the mother for its environment and wellbeing.

The law on this is daft. Lots of parents smoke - nobody takes away their right to have kids. But the law protects adopted and fostered children by not placing them in homes of smokers.

If it is your child, then you have a right to be concerned. If it isn't your child then best mind your own business.

[OBonio]

Ursula has a very good point. It's her child. If she wants to run the risk of harming her baby, then that is her decision. The fact she is smoking in secret obviously shows she has a guilty conscience about it.

In my opinion, the only person who has the right to intervene here is the father.

[gary baldy]

Obonio - you cant talk about rights when the rights of this unborn child are being violated.
Smoking whilst pregnant is tantamount to child abuse in my opinion. It may be her decision to harm her child but that doesnt make it right does it? - It is up to us as a society to intervene and try and help this child and sadly a guilty conscience will not help the health and wellbeing of this child.

[smudge]

I'm not a smoker, so never smoked when pregnant with our daughters. I think it's quite a selfish thing to do, however, my ex-boss's wife (very upper class), chain smoked through all of her three pregnancies. Their children are now all in their early 30's & amazingly have never suffered from ill health!

Personally, I would go along the same lines as Ursula.

[ursula62]

Hi Smudge, haven't seen you for a while - hope you're feeling better. Happy new year!

[OBonio]

By your reasoning, I suspect getting into a car would be violating an unborn child's rights aswell. As would going to work. Or being over 35.

[smudge]

Hi Ursula - thank you for your kind words. I haven't been around much lately, as sadly, my sister died on Christmas morning & I've been in a bit of a pickle ever since. I'm trying to keep myself busy now though.

Happy New Year to you & your's. -x-

[gary baldy]

Oh Obonio - now you're just being silly. As far as i know neither driving, working or being 35 (my wife is 35 and pregnant btw) constitutes a selfish act that has an irrefutable negative impact on the health of the child - unlike smoking.
Despite what people say smoking is a choice and this may sound old fashioned and patronising but a pregnant women has the responsibility to protect her unborn child - or it becomes willful neglect - so she should then , by rights, choose to give up.
How do you feel about herion addicts continuing drug use despite knowing they are pregnant?

[OBonio]

My point was there is risk in hopping in a car, there is a higher risk of Down's having a baby after 35 and work related stress is certainly NOT good for a baby.

There is risk everywhere and it is up to the parents how much risk they wish to expose their child to. It is not up to society at all.

[noxlumos]

Hi, the fact that your friend feels the need to smoke in secret and not openly demonstrates the level of stress she obviously feels under. I think tackling her about your concerns in anything but the most general way will probably load her with yet more stress and exaccerabate the situation. Sure it's not ideal to smoke whilst pregnant (my first wife did, had 5 healthy kids no miscarriages, my second wife doesn't had 2 healthy kids, 2 miscarriages and is pregnant at the moment), but it's really not your place to interfere unless you really feel that you can be supportive enough to help her quite, rather than just critisise and add to her burden.

I also think it's really off for us to critisise a girl whose situation we don't know. Smoking may well be keeping her sane under terribly difficult circumstances. Not everyone lives in a fairytale world of plenty of money, planned pregnancies and endless morning sickness free shopping trips. She might be having a hard time, so a little live and let live may not go amiss.

[morg_monster]

There are proven risks to the unborn baby if the mother smokes during pregnancy. However, stress and withdrawal symptoms should she stop could also harm the baby. And passive smoking can harm the baby almost as much as the mother smoking.

Smoking may damage the baby but many are born perfectly healthy. Encourage your friend to stop as strongly as possible, but the whole point of smoking is that it is addictive. As someone above said, if she hasn't given up already - she must know the health risks to her baby - honestly, what else can you do? How can you MAKE her give up?

If she won't give up, then help her be as healthy as possible. Encourage her to eat a good balanced diet with plenty of vitaminC foods (antioxidants to counteract some of the smoking). I assume that if she is smoking in secret then she isn't smoking THAT much, or at home. Try and keep this going - if she is spending most of her time in a smokefree environment then that will negate some of the effects. Go for walks with her so she gets plenty of fresh air. Go out with her to places which are smokefree.

I would disagree that telling this girl how stupid she is is more important than your friendship. That will stress your friend out, which isn't good for the baby and rowing isn't necessarily going to stop her smoking, it'll probably make her reach for her ciggies. Do your best but don't ruin your relationship with her unless you really feel that you can't be friends with her anymore.

(Also it might be worth telling her that stopping at ANY time during pregnancy will help the baby, it isn't true that all the damage is done in the first trimester).

[saffyj]

im sure you have the best intentions, but shes not exactly smoking crack.this hysteria over smoking really gets to me.yes it would be better if everyone gave up smoking when pregnant, but i dont know one person who smoked who did their children any harm.my friend's doctor advocated that if it was too stressful to give up, this might cause more harm.sorry, but in this case, i think you cant impose your values (and well-meaning they are) on your friend.you could suggest she give up and offer to support her but ultimately its her choice