Here's the smoke protocol for the Sistine Chapel:
White smoke = We have a new Pope. Let the kissing of his rear and knuckles begin.
Black smoke = We are still without one. Please stop ringing the doorbell.
Red smoke = One or more Cardinals fell into the chimney. Send for bandages and morphine.
Pink smoke = Surf N' Turf all gone. We told you 118 platters weren't enough!
Purple smoke = We're out of Chianti = break open the Chilean Merlot.
Blue smoke = Ebola spreading out of control. Note to world: Horse meat not so good after all.
Yellow smoke = The Lasagne has been burnt.
Orange smoke = To the Protestants of the world: You got served! Catholics are in the house again!
Green smoke = We, the Opus Dei, have seized control of the Papacy. To start, bring forth to us the pretty girls. Then the not so pretty ones. Then the boys. But only the pretty ones.