Sleeping with the ex

[bowannabow]

I did it last week and feel terrible as a result. I've been seeing someone recently very casually and so has the ex, he has been with someone else for 3 months. He says he's 'confused'. This is all I've ever heard from him during the 6 months we've been apart!

I told him I still love him but want nothing more to do with him until he's got his house in order. Its very hard not contacting him though and I feel I'm waiting for him to decalre his undying love, but deep down I wonder if he just wanted a night of passion. Anger, hurt, fear, wanting to move on but finding it hard as I still have to see him sometimes due to enforced circumstances. Does the hurt ever end and how can I move on finally instead of always having him in the background?

[GraceAnais]

you poor thing. although you know that sleeping with the ex is always a bad idea...!!! we've all been there, and usually it only causes problems. you say you still have to see the ex...why, have you got children together?

firstly you need to stop seeing this other guy...you're obviously not that intertested in him and, even though you say it's casual, don't let anyone else get hurt in the process.

your ex is out of order because he has been with someone else for 3 months, if he can cheat on her with you whose to say he didn't do the same when you were together.

I know that it's really hard when you break up with someone but it was just not meant to be...fate has something better in store for you, so ride the storm...there really is light at the end of the tunnel.

and remember that love and sex are two very different things; especially in the eyes of men and women. hope this helps.

[bowannabow]

Thanks Grace. sound advice

The issue is we work in the same office, so pretty much unavoidable...

so you think I should really forget about him and not make any contact? i figure if he was that bothered he could try and speak to me about things. Best foot forward...

Thanks

[GraceAnais]

personally i would forget about him. he's gone behind the back of the girl he's seeing ...it just proves he can't be trusted. i bet he hasn't told her about your rendezvous?!

Is there anyway you could think about moving jobs/departments etc? i know that i would hate to have to work with my ex. if it is possible to think about changing jobs maybe look for something better paid, think of it as a fresh start as opposed to just escaping the ex.

he is holding all the cards right now and effectively using you. 'confused' is the crappest excuse in the box. i used it myself when i finished with my ex (not that i'm proud of it) it's a way of saying i don't want to be with you, but i still like a shag. Sorry if you think i'm being harsh...but it normally is true.

You're worth a lot more than this guy; do yourself a favour and move on from him. a year down the line you might look back and realise how breaking up with him was the best thing you could ever do. i've been single for over a year but i love the fact that no-one can hurt me or mess my life up. i'd rather be on my own that with someone who uses me or makes me feel like crap.

the opening line of you question reads, 'i feel terrible' if that's how he makes you feel...get rid of him!!!

[JoCannon]

Fantastic advice GraceAnais!!

I feel into the sleeping with the ex trap a few months ago, and it destroyed me, especially as I was convinced I was over him. All the old feelings came flooding back, BUT I confused the familiarity of it all for wanting him back and attention. Since then we have been out for numerous drinks/meals, always ending up back in bed. It is a horrible situation to be in. Your emotions go crazy. The whole "I am confused thing" is a load of rubbish, however much you try to justify it, they are using you, which thankfully I figured out a few weeks ago, since then I have regained a bit of self respect and have tried to keep away from him, it is hard, but I will get there.

Twinkle, I wish you all the strength in the world, remember 1000's of us have all fallen in the same trap, I am slowly clambering out.

Out of curiosity, you said you would not get back with him "until he gets his house in order" will that really change things? Why did he not get it in ordr when you were together?

[bowannabow]

Yes you're right! This has really helped, i know it makes sense and it's really good to see it written down by someone external looking in on the situation.

I'm not going to leave work, I was moritfied when we split up 6 months ago but managed to get through it and threw myself into my job. Its only since he started hassling me again recently (and then i fell for it and slept with him!) that I've felt uncomfortable again at work. I guess if i did it once I can do it again and get over him.

thanks

x

[bowannabow]

JoCannon

Thanks for your sound counsel too. I suppose I meant 'get his house in order' in terms of actually beng single and available for a start! Plus he has always been a bit of a drinker, confused, unhappy with his work, life, etc. etc. I could go on. I am starting to wonder what i saw in him, having read what I've just said.

I will, like you, be strong and get on with my life. I know he's pretty messed up and probably used me as both an emotional/sexual springboard that night, as he knows I still care about him and I'm familiar to his ways and emotions. I can do better!

Thanks again.

[JoCannon]

Glad I could help a little.

You sound like you have your head screwed on!

Good luck Twinkle, there will be days when you want him back so much, but take off thoes rose tinted glasses and remember all the bad times, why you split up in the first place and be happy in the knowledge you are worth SO much more!!