ChatterBank1 min ago
Here Is The Ab News For 2013
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January: The Times celebrates the new year by publishing the biggest, and hardest, cryptic crossword in its history. It appears on the newspaper's website at the stroke of midnight on New Year's Eve. At one minute past midnight Lie-in King emails the solution to The Times.
February: The Editor announces a new badge for anyone who has posted at least ten times complaining about badges. It is immediately awarded to all regular contributors.
March: As the end of the tax year approaches, HMRC finally finds a way of sending a massive tax bill to a major American coffee company. Unfortunately an administrative error means that the recipient is not Starbucks, but Starbuckone. ABers star a whip round.
April: Civil war breaks out between Norfolk and Suffolk. Shaneystar2 is put in charge of the 3rd Armoured Norfolk Turkey Brigade, while Buenchico hurls swedes from behind the barricades.
May: Following an update, AB repeatedly crashes in Internet Explorer, Firefox, Chrome and Safari. AB's techies repeatedly blame the people who've programmed Internet Explorer, Firefox, Chrome and Safari, before finally admitting that they'd spilt coffee into AB's server.
June: Sherrardk publishes a book reviewing every single family attraction within a 150 mile radius of Hereford (all of which she has visited). The entry for Wookey Hole alone takes up a whole page,but this is reduced to a few lines after all the expletives are deleted.
July: The annual nude cycle ride takes place in Brighton. A naked female is seen, sitting astride a bicycle saddle, clutching a Bacardi & Coke and singing loudly. This would not be unusual except for the fact that it's not on the official route but in the cycle display area of the local branch of Halfords. Joggerjayne doesn't post for a while.
August: AB is closed down for much of the month, while MI5 investigate reports of strange messages, in an undecipherable code, being posted on the site. After several weeks of investigation they realise that it was only MarkRae posting in Gaelic again.
September: Jemisa wins Britain's Got Talent with her comedy routines. The show is immediately axed.
October: The owner of Barmaid's local off-licence asks if she'll represent him on a 'pro bono' basis. She agrees to take the case on a 'pro vino' basis.
November: A worldwide baking crisis looms after a fault develops with a critically important computer at the Bank of England. Nobody can fix it until AB's crack team arrives. Methyl immediately has a valid solution but he needs to know the make and model of every part of the computer, the exact version number of the software and the maiden name of the mother of the guy who programmed it. While he's collecting this information, ChuckFickens fixes the problem by turning the computer off, waiting 30 seconds and turning it on again.
December: A faulty fuel gauge means that an American 747 airliner runs out of fuel over the Midlands. The pilot, Clanad, calmly lands on the M6, refuels at Keele services and continues with the flight. Ryanair announces the immediate commencement of flights from Keele services, which they are to rename 'London North Airport'.
February: The Editor announces a new badge for anyone who has posted at least ten times complaining about badges. It is immediately awarded to all regular contributors.
March: As the end of the tax year approaches, HMRC finally finds a way of sending a massive tax bill to a major American coffee company. Unfortunately an administrative error means that the recipient is not Starbucks, but Starbuckone. ABers star a whip round.
April: Civil war breaks out between Norfolk and Suffolk. Shaneystar2 is put in charge of the 3rd Armoured Norfolk Turkey Brigade, while Buenchico hurls swedes from behind the barricades.
May: Following an update, AB repeatedly crashes in Internet Explorer, Firefox, Chrome and Safari. AB's techies repeatedly blame the people who've programmed Internet Explorer, Firefox, Chrome and Safari, before finally admitting that they'd spilt coffee into AB's server.
June: Sherrardk publishes a book reviewing every single family attraction within a 150 mile radius of Hereford (all of which she has visited). The entry for Wookey Hole alone takes up a whole page,but this is reduced to a few lines after all the expletives are deleted.
July: The annual nude cycle ride takes place in Brighton. A naked female is seen, sitting astride a bicycle saddle, clutching a Bacardi & Coke and singing loudly. This would not be unusual except for the fact that it's not on the official route but in the cycle display area of the local branch of Halfords. Joggerjayne doesn't post for a while.
August: AB is closed down for much of the month, while MI5 investigate reports of strange messages, in an undecipherable code, being posted on the site. After several weeks of investigation they realise that it was only MarkRae posting in Gaelic again.
September: Jemisa wins Britain's Got Talent with her comedy routines. The show is immediately axed.
October: The owner of Barmaid's local off-licence asks if she'll represent him on a 'pro bono' basis. She agrees to take the case on a 'pro vino' basis.
November: A worldwide baking crisis looms after a fault develops with a critically important computer at the Bank of England. Nobody can fix it until AB's crack team arrives. Methyl immediately has a valid solution but he needs to know the make and model of every part of the computer, the exact version number of the software and the maiden name of the mother of the guy who programmed it. While he's collecting this information, ChuckFickens fixes the problem by turning the computer off, waiting 30 seconds and turning it on again.
December: A faulty fuel gauge means that an American 747 airliner runs out of fuel over the Midlands. The pilot, Clanad, calmly lands on the M6, refuels at Keele services and continues with the flight. Ryanair announces the immediate commencement of flights from Keele services, which they are to rename 'London North Airport'.
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