Is Keir Starmer Really Going To Arrest...
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The Masters 2013
3 Answers
So who?
Bear this in mind, my fellow and fellowess golfers, ye flayers of the little white spheroid:
"There is something magical about the Masters - the colours, the characters, the history. It's on TV at the perfect time in the UK and you always feel like spring has sprung when you see those unnaturally lush fairways and super-slick greens.
It can very easily become an obsession and you know you're in trouble when any of the following starts happening:
1. You make a practice swing in any available reflective surface.
2. You chip in the back garden and shout 'be the right club' or 'in the hole' even though you don't have a hole.
3. You genuinely believe you could easily two putt from the high side of the 16th green to a Sunday pin position.
4. You know KJ Choi's average driving distance.
5. As the lift door opens a colleague finds you holding your finishing position admiring an imaginary four-iron into the heart of the 11th green.
6. You practise a putt to win the Masters every morning and invariably hole it - the crowd always goes wild.
7. When you get dressed you imagine slipping on the Green Jacket even though you never have, or will, own a green jacket.
8. You carry around a club for the entire time the telly is on.
9. You throw around the phrase 'the Butler Cabin' as if you stayed there.
10. You take an unhealthy interest in azaleas. (no excuses for being a sheep)
11. You never tire of seeing Sandy Lyle's bunker-shot on 18 and admire him for not being bothered by his vast sweat-patches.
12. You start calling members of your family 'patrons' (would ummmm do this or even Squad?).
13. You wonder what your living room carpet measures on the stimpmeter.
14. You practise your victory celebration and occasionally fist-pump on one knee on your own in a room and well up at the emotion of it all.
15. You chip from the top of the stairs and genuinely think using the wall and cupboard to make the kitchen is more difficult than a shot from behind the 15th green.
16. 'You rehearse celebrating victory or shedding Darren Clarke-esque tears of joy'
17. You start to feel that ironed chino shorts, long white socks & ice-white trainers (as worn by 97% of the crowd) is acceptable attire.
18. You wish you were 12 again and lived in South Korea. North Korea is not a viable option.
19. Anyone who calls between the hours of two pm and midnight is instantly considered 'an idiot'. Even your mum.
20. You record Match Of The Day because you're convinced Gary Lineker is watching the golf during the show anyway. He's a -anker anyway.
21. You consider Duffy, Chip, Fuzzy, Hunter and Bubba acceptable names for your kids. Hazel the name for your daughter(s) even if you have three.
22. You think Ken Brown smelling leaves and rolling a beach volleyball down a slope is great TV. It is.
23. You permanently feel sorry for Greg Norman. Even more sorrow for Chrissie.
23. You wonder what food you'd choose for the champions dinner while tucking into your 17th bag of crisps - or chips Stateside.
24. You think it's normal to call all male children 'Jnr' or feel inserting a 'The Third' after your son's name would be a reasonable idea.
25. You carry a tee in your pocket for the duration of the tournament. Just in case.
Whether you admit to one, some or all of the above then I'm afraid you've been caught by the bug. But fear not brave golfing comrade, you are one of many and, after all, there is nothing quite like The Masters."
Bear this in mind, my fellow and fellowess golfers, ye flayers of the little white spheroid:
"There is something magical about the Masters - the colours, the characters, the history. It's on TV at the perfect time in the UK and you always feel like spring has sprung when you see those unnaturally lush fairways and super-slick greens.
It can very easily become an obsession and you know you're in trouble when any of the following starts happening:
1. You make a practice swing in any available reflective surface.
2. You chip in the back garden and shout 'be the right club' or 'in the hole' even though you don't have a hole.
3. You genuinely believe you could easily two putt from the high side of the 16th green to a Sunday pin position.
4. You know KJ Choi's average driving distance.
5. As the lift door opens a colleague finds you holding your finishing position admiring an imaginary four-iron into the heart of the 11th green.
6. You practise a putt to win the Masters every morning and invariably hole it - the crowd always goes wild.
7. When you get dressed you imagine slipping on the Green Jacket even though you never have, or will, own a green jacket.
8. You carry around a club for the entire time the telly is on.
9. You throw around the phrase 'the Butler Cabin' as if you stayed there.
10. You take an unhealthy interest in azaleas. (no excuses for being a sheep)
11. You never tire of seeing Sandy Lyle's bunker-shot on 18 and admire him for not being bothered by his vast sweat-patches.
12. You start calling members of your family 'patrons' (would ummmm do this or even Squad?).
13. You wonder what your living room carpet measures on the stimpmeter.
14. You practise your victory celebration and occasionally fist-pump on one knee on your own in a room and well up at the emotion of it all.
15. You chip from the top of the stairs and genuinely think using the wall and cupboard to make the kitchen is more difficult than a shot from behind the 15th green.
16. 'You rehearse celebrating victory or shedding Darren Clarke-esque tears of joy'
17. You start to feel that ironed chino shorts, long white socks & ice-white trainers (as worn by 97% of the crowd) is acceptable attire.
18. You wish you were 12 again and lived in South Korea. North Korea is not a viable option.
19. Anyone who calls between the hours of two pm and midnight is instantly considered 'an idiot'. Even your mum.
20. You record Match Of The Day because you're convinced Gary Lineker is watching the golf during the show anyway. He's a -anker anyway.
21. You consider Duffy, Chip, Fuzzy, Hunter and Bubba acceptable names for your kids. Hazel the name for your daughter(s) even if you have three.
22. You think Ken Brown smelling leaves and rolling a beach volleyball down a slope is great TV. It is.
23. You permanently feel sorry for Greg Norman. Even more sorrow for Chrissie.
23. You wonder what food you'd choose for the champions dinner while tucking into your 17th bag of crisps - or chips Stateside.
24. You think it's normal to call all male children 'Jnr' or feel inserting a 'The Third' after your son's name would be a reasonable idea.
25. You carry a tee in your pocket for the duration of the tournament. Just in case.
Whether you admit to one, some or all of the above then I'm afraid you've been caught by the bug. But fear not brave golfing comrade, you are one of many and, after all, there is nothing quite like The Masters."
Answers
1 to 3 of 3
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Great post DTC
My response
1. Agree
2. Even if you don't have a hole or even a club
3. Easy peasy, you've clearly never played Uxbridge muni
4. Isn't that a Chinese vegetable
5. Having a colleague finding you holding your finishing position in a lift will get you fired in my company
6. True, so true
7. I have a green jacket. Sad and lacking style
8. Each to their own
9. I have a Butler sink, does that count?
10. Better an unhealthy interest in azaleas, than an unhealthy interest in sheep
11. True
12. A step (or putt) too far
13. Living room 10.5, spare room study 6.5 (doesn't get enough wear)
14. Not unreasonable at all.. Ssve it for Sunday when Rose wins
15. I live in a flat
16. That is too sad
17. Surely not. You are British for God's sake.
18. I wish I was 16 again and back in Carnaby Street in the mid 60's
19. Why are you picking on my Mum? Why would she phone you anyway?
20. You might need professional help here
21. Back to 17
22. Nothing better
23. No I don't, he's Australian
24. I refer you to an answer I gave at 17
25. Is that a tee in you pocket or are you slightly excited at seeing me?
My response
1. Agree
2. Even if you don't have a hole or even a club
3. Easy peasy, you've clearly never played Uxbridge muni
4. Isn't that a Chinese vegetable
5. Having a colleague finding you holding your finishing position in a lift will get you fired in my company
6. True, so true
7. I have a green jacket. Sad and lacking style
8. Each to their own
9. I have a Butler sink, does that count?
10. Better an unhealthy interest in azaleas, than an unhealthy interest in sheep
11. True
12. A step (or putt) too far
13. Living room 10.5, spare room study 6.5 (doesn't get enough wear)
14. Not unreasonable at all.. Ssve it for Sunday when Rose wins
15. I live in a flat
16. That is too sad
17. Surely not. You are British for God's sake.
18. I wish I was 16 again and back in Carnaby Street in the mid 60's
19. Why are you picking on my Mum? Why would she phone you anyway?
20. You might need professional help here
21. Back to 17
22. Nothing better
23. No I don't, he's Australian
24. I refer you to an answer I gave at 17
25. Is that a tee in you pocket or are you slightly excited at seeing me?
1 to 3 of 3
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